I don't love you, I'm just passing the time. You could love me if I knew how to lie. But who could love me? I am out of my mind.

So it’s October. In 29 days, I will be one year away from being old enough to rent a car without extra fees. Thus begins the birthday countdown. I don’t actually ever make a big thing of my birthday, but for some reason, I'm feeling like an attention whore these days, so I'm making people, at least those who come to this site, aware.

I really hate when people blog about things and are vague and when they don’t say exactly what it is they’re talking about, but in this case, since I’m not entirely certain who all reads this even on a semi-regular basis, I have to be careful, because I’m not in the business of ruining surprises, and if I were to talk about the situation directly, not only would I be a bitch surprise-ruiner, but I’d also have to delve more into my personal life than I care to in a public setting. Some people know, some people don’t, and I don’t need the ones who don’t to become the ones who do. Dig?

It’s amazing to me how five foot, one-ish inch of haircut I don’t understand can, without even speaking to me, remind me exactly of where my place is in the grand scheme of things. How, one day, you can feel like you’re cycling again, right back to the place you know you shouldn’t be in, but rather enjoy being in, and the next day, you understand that, you’re not welcome there.

How can I explain this better?

Ok, here we go. Say there’s a puppy. A puppy that you don’t own, but that you see every now and again and for which you throw a stick or a ball occasionally. You like the puppy, because the puppy’s fun, and the puppy gets you. But you’re well aware that the puppy isn’t yours and that at no point in your life will you ever own the puppy. You don’t actually WANT to own the puppy, because taking care of a puppy is something for which you don’t have the time or patience. You enjoy the time you have with the puppy, but you know that at the end of the day, the puppy’s going to go home with the owner who feeds it and takes care of it. And although you like to play with the puppy, you understand that it’s not. yours.

So the owner of the puppy is not a fan of yours. The owner feels that you’re trying to take the puppy away from its rightful home. You’re not, but if you tried to tell the owner that, the owner wouldn’t believe you, because of the period of time you've spent playing with the puppy. The owner probably is aware of how much you like the puppy. Your guess is that the puppy likes you just as much as you like it, but it wouldn’t tell its owner that, because, for one, puppies don’t talk, and for another, the owner would probably make it sleep out in the yard on cold nights or something. You don’t actually know what kind of relationship the puppy has with its owner, because while it seems to be a not-so-happy kind of relationship, the owner has said things that lead you to believe that maybe things aren't as they seem.

Anyway, now the owner has decided to buy the puppy a brand new, huge doghouse and is taking great pains to make sure that all of the puppy's little friends are aware that the owner is giving the puppy this house. And because of that, you feel a little discombobulated, and it's giving you a weird pain in your stomach that says, "Hey. Stay away from that puppy at all costs. You're going to get your ass kicked otherwise."

So starting today, you just need to tell yourself that no matter what, you need to stay far, far away from that puppy. You need to tell yourself that that puppies has rabies, and if you even get within a foot of it, it could bite you. And then you will die.

All I can really say is that I'm supremely glad that I'm going to be out of town this weekend. Because then, I don't have to make excuses.

Moving on.

Ok, there was a break of about half an hour, I'm back, and you know what? All of the bullshit in my life right now, involving dogs and their owners and past mistakes that you're never allowed to live down? It. Doesn't. Matter. There are bigger things in the world, and if a dog's owner wants to snipe at me, they can. I'll just know that I have a greater purpose in my life than to put up with whatever people who can't let the past be the past can dish out.

I should explain.

I've mentioned, more than once, the girl I interviewed for the Make-A-Wish article. Here's the YouTube video she's in, which I keep meaning to post:



So, the guy that was with her, another Make-A-Wish volunteer, came by to thank me again for the article I wrote. He's told Dennis that he was happy about the article and he told me over the phone the other day how much he liked it, but he stopped by again to tell me again how grateful he was and how much he liked it, and the Make-A-Wish people liked it, and the girl I interviewed liked it (he called her little Rikki, which made me laugh, actually.) He was so incredibly grateful that I really almost cried. Recently, there has been an influx of instances that have almost made me cry, and they haven't all been sad things. I've never been a happy crier, but for some reason, I've been more emotional than usual recently, and several things that are happy have made me tear up, if not just outright cry. While he was here, the guy told me that he's been passing out papers to all these people, to people within Make-A-Wish, to family, friends, and everything.

And I almost cried when he was telling me this. I'm such a putz.

So the point of all this is this: this is going to sound really weird, but I feel like there's a REASON I was the one Vi made do this story. I don't know why, but I have this really strong feeling that there's a reason, and I'd like to know what that reason is.

I've applied for a job at a non-profit in Asheville, and they're supposed to be getting with the "qualified" people by the end of this week, beginning of next. I need this to go through for me. I can't take much more of this. I just can't. I had this whole plan to be out by November, but that's not going to work out for me. I need something. Anything.

I've also been going to church. And it hasn't been struck by lightning. I'll talk more about that later, I guess.

Oh, and Girl Scouts started again, and I'm excited about all the stuff we're going to be doing this season. Good times.