I know what you are (what you are, Baby.)

I? Am in a fantastic mood. Occasionally, I have a day where I'm able to forget that I'm unemployed and 10 seconds away from welfare, and I'm able to enjoy the finer things in life. I'll make a legit entry, and then I have another one of those iPod list survey things, this one telling the story of my life. I know you're excited. But Nick liked the last one, so I'm going to do another one. Also, I like them, so that's good enough reason.

Most of you know the saga of the crazy woman downstairs. How she's fucking insane and. . .well, crazy. And hateful. So yesterday, I was washing dishes, and my phone rings. It's my landlady, and I'm thinking, crap. Because getting a call from your landlady is never a good thing. Except this time, it was.

"Hi, Sarah," she says, "I have good news for you."
"Oh?" says I.
"Yes. Your downstairs neighbor is moving out."

You guys? I almost danced a dance of joy right there in the middle of my kitchen.

So the conversation goes on, and she says, "Yeah, I ran into David (my across the hall neighbor) at Big Lots the other day, and when he told me about the police thing, I said, 'My goodness, I'm going to have to ask her to leave."

". . .police thing?" I asked. "What police thing?"

"Oh my God," she said. "You didn't know?"

I didn't.

Apparently, Sunday, when I went to Rhonda's house to work on the Taste of Chocolate cookbook, Crazy Lady had called the police to complain about all the noise her upstairs neighbor was making. For one thing, according to the town's Noise Ordinance, I am allowed to be obnoxious and loud until 9 p.m. She called them sometime between 6 and 7. Now, I'm not loud and obnoxious anyway. But the fact of the matter is. . .I wasn't even here. So when the police came up and knocked on my door, Across-the-Hall-David comes out to find out what's going on, and that's how my landlady found out about it.

She called the police on her neighbor that wasn't even home. How. . .how completely GLORIOUS is that? It's beautiful. Poetry, even.

So yes. She will be gone by the first of April. And what a happy, joyous occasion that will be. Fabulous in every way possible. You guys don't even know. I will no longer have to live in fear of walking through my kitchen.

Oh, and it turns out that when Crazy Lady called the landlady to let her know she was going to be moving, she complained about all the noise I make because, and I quote, "She's always walking around up there."

. . . . . .

Because I'm walking around. In my home.

But no matter. In approximately 32 days, I will be Crazy Lady free. And it will be a joyous occasion and there will be celebrating throughout the land.

I don't really have a lot else to say. Oh, except that today marks one year of momentous occasion. And that's awesome.

On to the survey!

The soundtrack of my life:

Opening Credits:
"Hey" - The Movielife

Waking Up:
"Ever Fallen In Love?" - The Buzzcocks

First Day at School:
"I Want It That Way" - Backstreet Boys

Falling in Love:
"Stay Pretty" - Farewell (hahaha. For some reason, that's awesome.)

Losing Virginity:
"It Hasn't Happened Yet" - William Shatner (Oh. My. God. You guys? Best thing EVER!)

Fight Song:
"You Can Be As Loud As the Hell You Want (When You're Makin' Love)" - Avenue Q soundtrack (Admittedly, this would have been better for the one before, but I guess this is the makeup sex.)

Breaking Up:
"Good Intentions" - Toad the Wet Sprocket

Prom:
"Everything's Just Wonderful" - Lily Allen (Prom actually sucked, both times. Well, the dance part. Before and after was fun.)

Life:
"Haunted" - Kelly Clarkson

Mental Breakdown:
"Don't Go Breaking My Heart" - Elton John and Kiki Dee

Driving:
"Standing Still" - Jewel (Well, that just doesn't make sense at all.)

Flashback:
"Better Off" - Ashlee Simpson

Getting Back Together:
"I Won't Stand In Line" - Reba McEntire

Wedding:
"When I Think About Cheatin'" - Gretchen Wilson (Aww, unfortunate.)

Birth of Child:
"You Are So Last Summer" - Taking Back Sunday

Final Battle:
"Bitch" - Meredith Brooks

Death Scene:
"Zoot Suit Riot" - Cherry Poppin' Daddies (Apparently, it's death by swing dancing.)

Funeral Song:
"Come Back to Me" - Plain White Ts

End Credits:
"Never Had a Dream Come True" - S Club 7

My resistance ain't that strong. My mind keeps recreating a life with you alone. And I'm tired of pretending I don't love you anymore.

So, during the first couple weeks of my unemployment, I was literally so depressed I didn't want to listen to music. I don't know why, but I just didn't. And if you know me (or even if you just notice that every one of my entries is song lyrics), you know that's really out of character.

Today, I cleaned my kitchen, did dishes, organized my food cabinet, cooked dinner, ate dinner, and washed more dishes while listening to my Ipod with my awesome headphones. And that made me want to do one of those survey things that tells the story of your life by your Ipod put on random. So I did that. Here is my life in iPod shuffle.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Let's Take a Ride" -Justin Timberlake (This cracked me up, because I, of course, read it as really dirty. But I guess it could just mean that I wanted to take a road trip.)

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Broken" -Seether (That. . .might be the saddest thing ever.)

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Rock and Roll Party Queen" - 'Grease' soundtrack. (Right on.)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Jessie's Girl" - Rick Springfield. (I'm not sure if this means that I'm in love with someone who's with someone else or if I'm supposed to BE Jessie's girl, in which case, someone is in love with ME and they think they can't have me. Or something.)

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Limp" - Fiona Apple (Oh, God. I'm going to be a cripple. . .)

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Wanted Dead or Alive" - Bon Jovi

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"To Be Myself Completely" - Belle & Sebastian (I guess this is a good thing.)

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
"We're Going to Be Friends" - The White Stripes

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"My Immortal" - Evanescence (I'm not sure what this means, but it sounds deep.)

10. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FIRST LOVE?
"Somebody Told Me" - The Killers (So he's a. . .transsexual person? A cross-dresser? Yikes.)

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Losing at Life" - Classic Case (Oh my God, that's not true! He WINS at life!)

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Scream If You Wanna Go Faster" - Geri Halliwell (I'm. . .not touching this one.)

16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Polite" - Mute Math

17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Shiver" - Maroon 5

18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Hate (I Really Don't Like You)" - Plain White Ts (Unfortunate, really.)

19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Dreaming of You" - The Coral (It's true.)

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Beautiful" - Christina Aguilera (It's no secret. Everyone knows.)

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Boys" - Ashlee Simpson (Generally, yes.)

22. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Don't You Forget About Me" - Simple Minds

23. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Miserable at Best" - Mayday Parade (That's the most depressing thing I have ever heard.)

24. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Hopelessly Devoted To You" - 'Grease' soundtrack (Sweet.

25. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Chills" - Ben Lee (I would. . .spend less time cold?)

26. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"Giving Up On Love" - The Ataris

Well, that was fun. I'm exhausted for some reason, and I actually have to get up at a certain time tomorrow, so I'll be off.

When they can't find you, I'm sure I'll be the one they blame, but they can't prove anything, Miss California.

So, my sister is basically the coolest person I know. We didn't get along when I was in high school (because, let's face it, I was pretty hateful toward her) but after I left for college and she became a teenager and all that, I realized that if I were still in high school, she'd be the kind of person I'd want to hang out with.

This snippet of conversation is why:

Sarah: Yeah. What I would like to happen is for me to get the SMT job, and so if I run into Vi at the grocery store, I can be like, "Oh, me? Yeah, I'm the editor of two publications. Peace out." "Thank you for firing me and stressing out your entire newsroom so I could go on to much bigger and better things. "

Katie: haha you should rethink the exit. maybe throw some sort of liquid in her face and then be like (our last name) out!

S: YES! I like that. (our last name) out.

K: and do that hand move where you make a sideways peace sign and move it downward violently

S: Awesome. Or, I could just punch her in her face.

K: haha, that could work

S: I like that option.

K: maybe you could do some sort of combination of all of the above? haha

S: "Peace out. (our last name) out!" (liquid throw) (punch).

K: hahaha awesome

S: I now have a game plan.

K: an A+ game plan at that

So yeah. Katie is pretty much more awesome than anyone else I know.

I was oddly productive today, for a Sunday. I spent the morning writing freelance articles about cell phones and the afternoon editing cookbook entries. I don't know if I mentioned that I'm on the committee for this event that takes place around here called the Taste of Chocolate. We're putting together a cookbook and we went through this company that lets you enter them online. As I'm sure you can imagine, people who don't (or didn't) do words for a living might not live up to the standards for publication, so there was some work to be done. But all 150 recipes are finished.

I then went through my recipe file, looking for something relatively inexpensive to make for dinner (since, you know, no income) and I decided on "Zesty Beef-Stuffed Peppers" and "Ranch Smashed Potatoes." Went to the cheapo grocery store to get most of the stuff and then Wal-Mart for the rest. Literally as I'm walking out the door to get my food, my phone rings, and it's one of the people from the TOC committee, saying something about meeting at 7 to finish the cookbook. I was like, ". . ." because I don't remember ever agreeing to this, but considering my general state of mind for the last three weeks or so, it's entirely possible I agreed to it and just forgot. So I went over to her house at 7 and actually had a fun time working on the cookbook. We got everything together and managed to throw both of our names in as chair (her) and co-chair (me). So my name will be printed at least 6 times (including recipes submitted) in at least 400 books. For posterity, or something.

I did, incidentally, get the food for my awesome meal, but I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow to actually make it, since I didn't have the time this evening.

What else?

I have a meeting tomorrow morning with some people. I'm being intentionally vague, because I just don't really want to get into it right now, for whatever reason. It's a good meeting, but I just want to keep the good to myself for now.

I guess that's it.

I always feel like, somebody's watching me.

I should make a real entry, and I will, one of these days, but instead of talking about how much not having a job sucks and how much more Valentine's Day sucks, I'm going to fill out a survey thing I found on facebook.

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!!

1. Did you date someone from your school?
Senior year? Yes. Richard.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
Ha! No. I would not marry anyone I went to high school with.

3. Did you car pool to school?
My mom drove me to school, and on the days I didn't have marching band, Jason would drive me home or to work.

4. What kind of car did you have?
I did not have a car. I drove my mother's car when I was allowed.

5. What kind of car do you have now?
What does this have to do with senior year? I have a '97 Honda CRV that I'm suspicious is on its last leg.

6. It's Friday night...where were you?
In the fall, marching band practice/football games. The rest of the time, I went out with Richard a lot. . .when I wasn't grounded.

7. What clubs were you in?
Marching band, regular band (even though it was a class, it was more like a cult), and French club. I was Vice President senior year which meant. . .well, nothing, really. But it was something I could put on my college applications.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
I worked at one of the public libraries.

9. What kind of job do you do now?
None. I have none job. Again, what does this have to do with senior year?

11. Were you considered a flirt?
That's a source of contention. I was friends with guys, mainly, and people would tell me I flirted with them, but it's just the way I was/am. So I don't really know.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
I've already mentioned that. . .7,000 times. Marching band Wind Ensemble. Not to be confused with concert band.

13. Were you a nerd?
Basically.

14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
No. I was called to the principle's office after this girl threatened to kill me, but other than that, no.

15. Can you sing the fight song?
I don't remember the fight song. We played it every time the football team made a touchdown, but I seem to remember faking my way through most of that, and I never knew the words.

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)?
Mr. Holleman. I freaking loved Mr. Holleman. I still remember things he told us in that class to this day.

17. Where did you sit during lunch?
In the band room, unless I went off-campus.

18. What was your school's full name?
Millbrook High School.

19. When did you graduate?
2003

20. What was your school mascot?
We were the wildcats. *reowr*

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
Compared to where I am right now in my life? Hell yes. I had no idea.

22. Did you have fun at Prom?
It wasn't bad. Senior year, I don't think I danced at all, because it was all hip-hop, rap music you can't really dance to anyway. Afterward, we went bowling, which was awesome.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with?
Occasionally.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
Probably not. They had a 5-year last year and I didn't go, because as I put it to anyone who asked, I haven't been out of high school long enough to forget why I couldn't stand most of the people who would, inevitably, be at that reunion. They made a facebook group for it, and everyone who confirmed were the people who were popular, and who are probably still trying to hold on to their high school glory days. So no, I probably won't go to the 10-year.

25. Do you still talk to people from school?
A couple. No more than 5.

I think I'm going to go back to Raleigh now.

For those of you not aware, I'll bring you up to speed.

They fired me yesterday. So the people saying, "Well, at least YOU still have your job," are wrong.

So I'm currently in Raleigh, taking a couple of days, and I find it really interesting how people, my friends and otherwise, have treated me over the last 24 hours. I sent an e-mail to my freelancers, letting them know, and they have all e-mailed me and said how horrible it was, and asked if there was anything they could do for me. Same goes for a couple of friends I have in the community.

As far as my friends, my "friends" at work wouldn't make eye contact with me, except for one, who I've always liked. She also sent me a facebook message. Nick called me back after my initial call to him and I ended up stopping by his house on the way home. Some didn't let the news permeate their day to day existence much, and some have been surprisingly silent on the subject. I think it's those that bother me the most.

Anyway, I'll be here for a couple days, and then we'll figure it out from there.

I always do, don't I?

I killed the lights (pure satisfaction) I killed the lights (lights, camera, action)

I'm updating so people don't think I've jumped out a window.

I think I'm going to take a blogging break because I am so entirely messed up right now, mentally, emotionally, every kind of -ally, and I don't feel like writing and having to pretend I don't feel like I do.

I need to find a new job and get away from this place.  If anyone knows of anything, I'd be more than happy to look into it.  I can't, in good conscience, work for people like this.

They have, unnecessarily and stupidly, laid off my best friend in the office.  I now officially have no one I can talk to, no one I can trust, and no one to look forward to seeing on a daily basis.  I get the impression NJ thinks he's going to step up and fill that space, but I've got some news:  That space can not be filled.  Period.

I can't stop thinking about what this is going to mean for his family.  For his work in general.  The upper management where I work are incompetent, and I don't care that I'm saying it.  Fire me.  Go ahead.  I have a feeling you already know how I feel about you, so it's not like it's a secret.

I did everything humanly possible and in my power to help the job-losing not to take place, and it didn't work.  I feel like I failed so completely and utterly, even though he told me it's better that he doesn't have to work here anymore, because something better is on the horizon.  Or something.  I can't help but think that something better on the horizon doesn't help buy food.  Or pay rent.  Or pay the heat bill.  I can't help, and it makes me so devastatingly sad.  I have cried more in the last 5 days that I have in a lot of my life.  This in concordance with PMSing has effectively depleted my tear ducts.  And yet, somehow, they're still functioning.  Right now.

"But you tried," people say.  "You did everything you could have done.  It wasn't your fault.  It's the economy/bad management practices/the end of the road/etc.  At least you didn't lose YOUR job."

That doesn't make me feel any better.  Especially the last one.  Why the hell would it make me feel better that I have a job when one of my top 3 favorite people in the entire world no longer has one?  WHY should that make me FEEL BETTER?  I don't understand that mentality.  I don't.  And I wish people would stop saying that to me.  STOP SAYING THAT.

I'm going to share something here that is probably entirely too much information and something that a lot of people don't know about me, but that I'm writing about because it's my fucking blog and if makes you uncomfortable, you can stop reading.  It will also maybe help explain where my head is right now.

There was a period of time, during high school and college, where I was a. . .let me look up the term on Wikipedia so I can give it a generic name.  A self-injurer.  That's it.  I won't share my particular form of "self-injuring" here (I had two, actually, and one I still struggle with, but it's more of a compulsive thing than the other one, so I don't really consider it "injuring."  I'm being intentionally vague.)

Anyway, the last time I had a problem with it (an episode, if you will), was my junior year of college.  It became noticeable to this girl I had a date with (a date I, incidentally, ended up never going on.  Long story I'll share if you want, but I don't feel the need to write about it here).  She called me on it, and I thought I hid it better than I apparently did, and that's why I stopped.  Because I didn't want to have to answer questions. 

So last night, I hit a really low point.  I mean low.  I was talking to Nick, and I have a feeling I may have given him reason to believe I'd need someone to come up and stay with me so I didn't. . .do whatever it was I sounded like I was going to do.  I was in the depths, emotionally, mentally, even physically.  I felt ill.  And I wanted to revert back to my old habit.

I'm going to explain here, as clinically as I can, as to not sound like I've lost it.  Because I haven't.  Not yet, at least.  I'm just explaining.  I'm fine right now, as far as all this stuff goes.

For people who are on the outside of "self-injury," it's easy to say, "Man, that's crazy.  You must be crazy.  Why would you do such a thing?"  Because they don't get it.  Through all the different ways people cause harm to themselves, whether it be drinking too much, drug use, eating disorders, cutting, burning, compulsive skin picking, hair pulling, whatever, there is a very easy explanation for it.  I mean, obviously, you get your people who do it for attention.  But for everyone else, it's because, at least in my experience, physical experiences are tangible.

People can't control their heart hurting because of a breakup.  But they can control picking off a scabbed over injury.  People can't control how their head feels when they're depressed.  But they can control whether or not the keep down food they've eaten or the amount they eat. Sometimes, the depression in your head is so much, you feel like there's nowhere else for the intensity of the feelings to go.  But if you were to intentionally cut your skin, it's another outlet and the pain can be diverted somewhere else, from emotional to physical.

Obviously, I don't have experience with all of these.  But I'm guessing that they're all very similar, interconnected, and they all have the same basic end result.

What I'm incredibly proud of at this point is that I didn't give in.  I thought, "Sarah, no.  That?  Will get you nowhere.  It will do absolutely no good.  You're still going to feel just as crappy in the head.  Don't go down that road again."

And I didn't.  I thought a good diversion would be alcohol.  But I didn't go down that road, either.  All in all, I'm thinking maybe I'm stronger than I thought I was.  But that doesn't change the fact that I'm in a place right now when I even considered it.

I don't know why, exactly, I'm in the place I'm in right now.  I know bits and pieces of it, but there's more to it.  But what I do know is that while I'm going through this, wherever it takes me, I've got at least one person who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt will be there for me if I need it.  Everyone's got their stuff, and I know that he's got stuff in his own life that's hard on him, maybe even stuff that feels impossible, but every time I've had moments in my life like this, whenever I've begun to seriously question my own sanity, it seems like my friends always. . .well, in my experience, they either avoid me or later, they bring it up again and use it against me.  And I know he won't do that.

I love you.  I love you so much, you don't even know.  Maybe because I don't tell you.  Maybe I should.

Please don't comment on this entry.  This one doesn't need them.

Maybe I'll be back soon.  Maybe I won't.  We'll see.

But I do love you.