No one knows except the both of us. We'd best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse.

I am cranky today.

I say that as a kind of warning. I woke up in a pissy mood, so if you don't want to read something written by someone in a pissy mood, I'd recommend you stop reading.

The mood I woke up in was just foul. I'm glad that I'm physically unable to sleep past 8 without waking up, because my phone had turned itself off in the middle of the night, and, therefore, my alarm was off as well. I would have been screwed if it had been Monday, the day of the 8:30 meeting, but since it's Friday, it turned out OK.

Then I grabbed my last breakfast muffin off the top of my fridge, all excited because I'd deliberately saved the chocolate chip muffin for last. It was supposed to be a good combination, you know? Friday and a chocolate chip muffin. However, it turned out to be a blueberry muffin, and that made me mad.

I have nothing against blueberry muffins, mind you. I love blueberry muffins. But when you're in the mood for chocolate chip, blueberry just doesn't cut it.

Also, my mailbox is overrun with a huge ant colony and their gross-looking eggs. I need to Raid the thing.

I went for a shortened version of my "run" yesterday. It was shortened partially because I wasn't really in the mood for it and partially because I had something on my mind, and it's hard to concentrate on breathing so you don't die when you're thinking so hard about something.

Being vague isn't something of which I'm a huge fan, but in this case, I can't really explain the details. Partially because I don't want to and partially because I haven't gotten them figured out for myself.

The situation I find myself in is comparable to playing a board game with a 5-year-old. There is a specific set of rules by which you're supposed to play games. They're usually written down in booklet form within the box in which the game is sold. Whenever you play a game with a 5-year-old, there's a good chance that some of the rules will have to be altered, either to make it easier or to make it so the game doesn't last for three hours. OK, that's cool. You decide on how the rules will go (for example, if you get stuck on that square on the board, you only have to wait for the dice to go to everyone else playing one time, rather than the three times instructed by the official rules. Or if you're about to run out of money, you can take out a loan with someone else who's playing so you're not actually out of the game if you're out of funds. Things like that.)

I'm a fan of rules, so when they're changed like that, I'm not always entirely pleased, but I understand that sometimes in life, things have to deviate away from the norm in order to, one, keep people happy and two, make sure things are as fair as they can be. Life isn't black and white, despite what my high school Ex will tell you.

The problems, for me, begin when people start changing the rules midway through the game. It's like landing on a space that will cost you $500, and you'd originally agreed that you could take out a loan from someone else who's playing, but then, all of a sudden, you can still take out the loan, but along with it, you're being charged 6% interest for every turn during which you haven't paid back the entire sum.

Well, wait a minute. That's not what you said originally. But, you know, OK, I'll do it. Because I don't want to be out of the game. Because it's a fun game.

So I'm still playing the game, in debt $500 x .06 per turn, and I land on a space that sends me to jail if, upon rolling the dice 3 times, I don't rack up a collective 15 points. Since the game is being played with a 5-year-old, that number is moved from 3 to 5. I have 5 chances to roll 15 points. "But no, Liz," someone says. "The rules now dictate that if you don't get a 15 after the first three throws, you can have the extra two, but it'll cost you $10 per throw, on top of the $500 x .o6 per turn."

That's not what you initially said. When we started playing this game, you said you wanted me to play, we'd have to change the rules a little, but as long as everyone was on the same playing field, so to speak, everything would be cool.

So the question I'm sure you're asking at this point would have to be, "Elizabeth, why are you still playing the damn game?"

And to that, I'd have to say, because, for some reason, it seems worth it. To see that 5-year-old laugh when they hit the jackpot and clap their hands when they feel like they're going to win. It's those moments that keep you from overturning the board and scattering the pieces all over the living room and having everyone shake their heads and say, "What a poor sport!" when you walk out of the room.

I don't expect to win the game. When you start playing a game with a 5-year-old, you can't expect to win. But what I really want is to know that I played the game knowing all the rules.

So enough of being vague and pissed off. I should really put this entry in my Livejournal of Angst, but, for some reason, I feel it should go here.

What is my life going to be? Four years of college (and plenty of knowledge) have earned me this useless degree.

I'd like to know something.

How is it that I have gone almost 24 years without having ever experienced the joy of owning one of those things that straps your iPod to your arm when you go running? Honestly, it's changed my life. And I'm only exaggerating slightly.

I almost didn't go on my "run" this evening because I couldn't find my iPod headphones. That might sound like a really lame excuse to not exercise, but really? I'd get too bored to continue if I were trying to "run" sans music.

I'm a fan of the route I took this time. I decided to go a different way and check out some of the little side streets around where I live. I ran across (no pun intended. . .) the CUTEST little house. I aspire to live in that house, if I can ever find it again. I then found myself on the street that was the site of some kind of big altercation resulting in stabbings and shootings the other night, and I didn't realize exactly how close it was to my house. I heard the sirens and everything the other night, but I didn't realize it was right there.

I also have some people I know moving onto that street or somewhere thereabouts, and I'm not. . .altogether thrilled about that. So I hightailed it down that street and went home. I found that when I got home, I wanted to keep going, so I went back up and down the street. I decided that I could justify walking rather than running if I went up steep hills while I was going. I don't get out of breath, but my stomach starts to hurt, and I know you have to push yourself a little beyond what you're comfortable with if you want to improve or be able to have more endurance or whatever, but I'd rather not pass out in the middle of Main Street.

I made an observation today: it was a general observation and really only vaguely had anything to do with anything. It was brought on by a combination of things, one being a discussion about "illicit affairs" and the results thereof and the other being one of the women in the office calling the woman her husband cheated on her with and then subsequently married a whore, and pointing her out in pictures to me. Plus, I just finished reading The Other Boleyn Girl (a fabulous book I'd highly recommend to anyone who had the time to read a book just over 600 pages) which is all about sham marriages and infidelity and all that, told from the point of view of the Other Woman.

I guess this isn't so much an observation as a question. Why is it that women (and maybe men do it too, I don't know) blame the Other Woman almost solely in situations of infidelity? I mean, a wife can walk around saying, "Oh, I can never trust you again, I can't believe you'd do that, etc," but in my observations, it's always the Other Woman's fault. Why is that? I'm pretty sure it takes two to tango (so to speak) and, unless the Other Woman is married herself, shouldn't most of the blame be placed, at least in the eyes of the other spouse, on their lawfully wedded?

Obviously, I've never been married (as multiple people have been pointing out to me in the last month or so) but I just don't understand the rationale. For all the spouse knows, the Other Woman was seduced by the husband. Or maybe it was a mutual thing.

I mean, it's entirely possible the Other Woman was just a big old slut puppy homewrecker trying to break up a happy home, but surely, that can't be the case all the time.

Anyway, that's my question. I don't expect it to be answered (I have a feeling no one really knows the answer) but I just wondered.

In other news, going back to the Capital seriously made me question whether I wanted to live here for much longer. I thought about looking for a job back home, packing up and moving before the end of the year.

But I don't know that I could actually do that. I'm tied up in this place in a most peculiarly emotional sort of way, and I think if I left, I'd want to come back. I think it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't sort of situation. I miss the big city. I really, really do. But everything's nice around here (save the occasional stabbing/shooting). The weather's nice, it's quaint, it's got great views.

I don't know. I'm afraid that I might settle here, and then I might become one of those people that are so set in their ways, they drive the local newspapers crazy when they write in complaints and comments.

I feel like this whole post has been kind of off-topic and here and there. . .but that's kind of how I'm feeling right now.

I'm also feeling incredibly hot. I feel like my body temperature is about 10 degrees higher than any normal person's should be. I'm always hot.

One night and one more time; Thanks for the memories (even though they weren't so great)

Confession: I am a wee bit obsessed with those "surveys" you fill out online. You know the ones; a lot of questions about what makes you tick that you answer because you may or may not be some kind of exhibitionist. I love them. So after I make a real effort to say something intelligent, I'll put one here. Awesome.

I did end up going running last night at the dark track. It was kind of awesome. I really wish I had a longer amount of time I could run without feeling like I'm going to die, but I'll work up to it one of these days. I just like knowing I'm getting actual exercise while having the opportunity to listen to whatever music I want however loudly I want without worrying about bothering someone. Running, I guess, could be a group activity, but I see it as kind of a solitary thing, you know? I don't have to talk to anyone and I can just do my own thing. I'm looking forward to when I can get up to "going for a run" rather than "hobbling on a run."

Secondly, I found this thing in a Cosmopolitan magazine that really disturbed me. I don't read Cosmopolitan as a general rule, but my best friend Nate was up here earlier this week and we like to buy them and read them while laughing at how asinine some of the stuff is.

But really? I think I've found one that takes the cake.

Apparently, there's this. . .what's the nice term for them? Marital aid? There's this little, egg-shaped marital aid that women can place in their. . .area in which a marital aid would be used. And it just kind of stays there. But the kicker is, the thing vibrates whenever a cell phone within 10 feet of the user rings.

Really? Really?

That disturbed me so much. And that's not even really the best (worst?) part.

The best part is that, me being me, I decided to go to the Web site the magazine provided to check this thing out for myself. (Don't worry; it's nothing immediately obscene.) Holy hell, you guys. It goes so much further than just the phone-activated kick in the pants (so to speak.) They also have ones activated by calls made to and from your particular phone or, and this blew my mind, ones you can attach to your iPod. Yes. That innocuous little provider of music? Is now a sex toy.

I'm appalled. I'm never going to look at my iPod the same way again. Or anyone answering a cell phone. Technology is a scary, scary place sometimes. And that place? Vibrates.

On to the survey!

((Survey))

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with J?
Yes. At least 2 people.

Has anyone ever told you that they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
Yes. Lies, incidentally.

Are you moody?
Incredibly.

What's bothering you right now?
The fact that I have to go into work in a little while to finish this effing grad tab.

Do you believe that you can change for someone?
Why would you want to be with someone who wanted you to change? I mean, sure, you could probably do it, like if your person wanted you to stop smoking or something. But the question still stands, why would you want to be with someone who requested you change? Are they changing for you? Also, if we're just talking about changing clothes, then sure. I would change.

Do you drink coffee?
Absolutely.

Do you get along with girls?
Less than I did 3 months ago, more than I did 10 years ago.

Do you crack your knuckles?
Occasionally.

Do you like surprises?
Not generally. I mean, if I were to walk up to my desk one day and there was a big bouquet of flowers then I'd be like, "Whooooo!!!!" That's an acceptable surprise. But I don't like the unknown, so when the unknown springs itself on me, I'm not a fan. I also don't like people jumping out at me. Blame that on childhood trauma.

Plans for this weekend?
Working. Cleaning. All those lame grown-up things you don't take into consideration when you're dying to graduate high school and college.

Have you ever been to California?
No. I'd like to, though. My brother lived there, and my S-dad visited him a few times, and I was really jealous.

Who was the last person you laid in a bed with?
Nate.

Have you cried this week at all?
No? No. . .I don't think so. I may have been on the verge at one point, but I don't think I ever did.

Where were you at 8:00 this morning?
Sleeping in bed.

What were you doing 3 hours ago?
I think I was still asleep.

What is your brother's name?
John.

What color is your hairbrush?
Two of them are purple and one is green.

Are you ticklish?
A little.

Are you typically a jealous person?
Yes. It has, in the past, proven to be a problem.

What’s the next concert you're going to?
No clue. I may go see Roger's wife perform tonight, but that's not really a concert, per se.

Are you afraid of falling in love?
Afraid of it? No? I don't really know how to answer this question.

What’s your current mood?
It's fairly good.

Do you like anyone?
I hate this question. Are you asking me if I have fond feelings toward people or if I'm interested in anyone? Because the answers, respectively, would be not usually, and yes.

What color is your room?
Generic Tan.

What was the last thing you ate?
Leftover fries.

Who was the last person you hung out with?
Well, I was at work ALL DAY yesterday, so if you want to be technical about it, the last people I "hung out" with were co-workers.

Do you think you're approachable?
You know, I think I am, but I also think other people don't think so. I think that once people do approach me, they realize I'm approachable, but I've been told that I give off a "don't mess with me" vibe, so people might not realize that I'm not actually that bad.

Regret doing anything in the past week?
No. . .it was actually a decent week. There are things I regret NOT doing, but it's been a good week.

Do you have a dirty mind?
I do. I'm not proud of it, but despite the Christian school upbringing, I have a surprisingly dirty mind. I just don't usually share what I'm thinking with people because, for one, it might freak them out, because I don't strike a lot of people as a dirty-minded person and, for another, due to the aforementioned upbringing, I have a really hard time talking about "dirty" things. It's like a mental block. It's not that I can't find the words; I just can't make myself say them. But I do say "That's what she said" a lot.

Have you been pressured to do anything recently?
Not in a bad way. I was working and Allison "pressured" me to go out for a couple of drinks instead. (It was after-hours. Don't worry.)

Do you think it's OK to live with your parents as an adult?
Sure. You probably shouldn't do it for your entire life, though. I had an aunt that lived with my grandparents until she died a couple years ago, and I just never understood it. I mean, I can't judge, because it's not my life, but, much as I love my parents, I don't think I'd want to live with them into my 50's. I'm also pretty sure they wouldn't want me to be around all the time into my 50's.

Do you like your name?
No. Both my first and middle names are tragically boring, and few people can correctly pronounce and/or spell my last name on the first try. I've had some really interesting variations, though.

Do you hate anyone?
I have some people that I have a great, great deal of disdain for, but I'm not sure I would go so far as to invoke the "hate" word.

Did you go to college?
Your mom goes to college. (Stupid movie references aside, yes. I did.)

What's your worst habit?
I have a whole plethora of bad habits.

Are you listening to any music? What song?

Yes. "Over You" by Chris Daughtry.

Do you still talk to the person you last dated?
I do.

Do you love someone?
There's another one of those questions. I love choice family members, how about that?

What would you do if you found out your ex is engaged today?
Two of my exes are married and the other one, I don't really have an opinion as to what he does in terms of marriage. He just got out of a three-year relationship, though, so I don't think he's going to make that jump any time soon.

What is your favorite color?
I can't pick just one. They are purple-red-pink-black. Like Valentine's Day.

Do you like competition?
I don't like it necessarily, but I'm an extraordinarily competitive person.

Would you ever stay with someone, just because you didn't want to break their heart?
I'd like to say no, but I've not been in that situation, so I don't know. I did end a dating-thing with a guy once (we weren't in a relationship, but we went out fairly regularly) that I knew was really into me. So I guess I wouldn't stay with someone to break their heart. No, I don't know. Next question.

Have you ever taken anyone/anything for granted?
Every day, probably.

Do you hate being alone?
I'm not fond of it, but I'm used to it. I adapted.

Has anyone ever broken your heart?
Yes.

Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Someone from work, telling me that my boss really liked something I did.

Last time you went swimming in a pool?
Probably last summer.

How do you feel about your hair?
I have an extreme, antagonistic, love-hate relationship with my hair. I love how it looks when it's cooperating, but in order for it to cooperate, I have to put forth effort, and I'm extremely lazy. Dilemma.

Last time you were hugged?
Yesterday.

AIM or MSN?
AIM.

Do you miss anyone right now?
When I throw things at them. I have bad aim.

Why don't you pretend we were just a dream? It's cool baby; it doesn't matter anyway.

Day 2 on my quest toward daily blogdom.

Last night, I was up until approximately 3. Until. . .quarter of two? I was online, talking to my old friend Mark. He and I went to elementary school together and were quite the item. He was my kindergarten to 4th grade boyfriend. We "broke up" because I switched schools.

So we talked for hours and hours, and it was pretty awesome. You have to understand that I haven't talked to this guy in approximately 12 years, and we picked up the conversation like we'd been BFF for years. His girlfriend, incidentally, goes to the same school from which I graduated, so I have to wonder if, at some point in time, he and I were on the school's campus at the same time and didn't even know it. That'd be pretty crazy.

But it was a good conversation, and I look forward to continuing to talk to him. We have tons of stuff in common (including our bachelor's major of choice, among other nerdy things) and he seems to have the same kind of odd sense of humor I have. I laughed out loud a couple times, which is something that doesn't happen often in online conversations. (Incidentally, it's why I refuse to use "lol." Because more often than not, it's just a big, fat lie.)

So today. Oh, today.

I've been working on this thing referred to as a grad tab, which is short for graduation tabloid, which is short for giant pain in my ass. Basically, it's this special publication geared toward the graduating seniors in all of the high schools (and private schools) in Whitaker. Each student filled out this form telling what their favorite high school memory was in 25 words or less, and then the schools sent me lists of names of graduating seniors and photos of the seniors and stuff like that. Cute, right?

False.

I was under the impression that this thing was due Monday afternoon. I walk into work today and CaseyDownstairs tells me that, oh yeah, it prints on Monday - it's supposed to be finished today.

So I go upstairs in a panic and ask CousinCasey about it. She says, "Oh, yeah. I thought it was a little weird that you were saying it was due Monday. It's usually due on a Friday."

That? Might have been nice to know two weeks ago. So basically, I've finished between 3 and 5 pages of this 28-page tabloid that's supposed to be finished by the end of the day.

As it turns out, it's printing Sunday night, so I have tomorrow to work on it, too. That did not, however, prevent me from sitting on my ball all day (I sit on one of those exercise balls at my desk instead of in a desk chair. Unless it starts hurting my back. Then it's back to the chair.) and churning out most of the pages. Between the hours of 9:45 and 3:30, I stood up from my desk exactly 3 times. I hadn't eaten breakfast this morning, and I didn't eat lunch until 3:30 when Derek brought me back some Chinese food that I ate in approximately .7 seconds.

I'll have to some into work again tomorrow at some point, but I got most of it done, and that's what matters.

I was going to make myself "run" again this evening, but since it's dark outside and I have yet to leave the office, I think maybe it's a no-go for tonight. Unless I sketchily go out to the Rec park and run around a dark track. We'll see, I guess.

She's always living like she's running out of time. (Too much just ain't enough to keep her satisfied.)

So here is it. The odyssey that is me.

I've kept a livejournal for the last 5 or 6 years, but it's not the kind of thing I'd want to invite everyone and their mother to read. I started it my senior year of high school so there's a fair amount of angst involved. And angst? Is not a good color on me.

I've decided to try to keep a regular "blog" (Random fact about me #1: I hate the word "blog.") that doesn't involve me being all emo and angsty. I'm putting the minutia of my life out there for whomever to read because, as a writer, it's good to keep in practice, I think. I like the idea of my own little corner of the Internet where I can say. . .whatever I feel like. People can read it, people can ignore it, but the fact is, it's my life, and I'm sharing it. I'm long-winded sometimes, but some people are actually interested in what I say. (And that's a fact. I've been told that my journal entries are interesting to read. Actual people have said that.)

I should start with me. Liz isn't technically my name. It could have been, and, if you wanted to be technical, could be, but it isn't. However, since I work in the media, I figure that a lot of things I talk about should probably not be named specifically. You know, the paper I work for, the names of people around here, etc. If you really, really wanted to know, you could probably find out the little details fairly easily, but why don't you just take my word for it? I'm a journalist - you should be able to believe what we say, right? If you know me, you'll know what I'm talking about anyway. If you don't, you probably don't need to.

I'm the editor of the Life section of a little newspaper I'll call The Peak ('cause I live in the mountains. Cute, right?) I'm in charge of every little thing that goes on around here that would be considered human interest. I do weddings, engagements, anniversaries, births, school news, news about people who have quit smoking cold turkey after 42 years, news about ballet recitals. . .basically anything that wouldn't be considered hard news. I also do obituaries. The Peak covers the entirety of Haddis County, which is made up of 5 towns. I live in the biggest of these towns, Whitaker. I moved here from the Capital a little over 7 months ago, and it's been an interesting adjustment.

Now that I've got the introductions and niceties out of the way, I'll get on with it.

My day was long. A long and arduous day was had, but I'm not really interested in rehashing it.

I went for a run a couple of hours ago because I felt like a slug. Plus, it is hotter in my apartment (no air conditioning) than it was outside, so I figured if I was going to get all gross and sweaty, I may as well have something to show for it. I plugged up my iPod (beginning with loud, angry break-up music, as I went through something of a break-up recently) and took off. I'm fairly certain I look like a complete moron when I run, because I mouth along with whatever song I'm listening to and, if the mood strikes me, bust out with air drumming. I also tend to close my eyes when I do this, so I imagine people passing me on the street watch, waiting for me to run into something.

One of the biggest things that's different between the Capital and Whitaker is that I'm not as afraid here. I'm kind of a paranoid person by nature, but in Whitaker, I thought nothing of starting out for my run at dusk and getting back just as night fell.

I should mention that when I say "I went for a run" what I mean is "I went for a brisk walk punctuated with bursts of running until it feels like my lungs are going to explode." I'm not out of shape, per se, but running for long distances isn't something I'm able to do at this point. I'm working up to that.

Anyway, I ran to a little community in Whitaker that, I believe, used to be its own separate entity but was annexed or something, and while I was going, I was kind of struck by how pretty the area I live in is. I'm not going to lie - I'm still a little star-struck by the fact that I live in such a pretty part of the state. It's a little obnoxious now, because all the old Floridians are coming up to live in their summer homes for the next 5 months or so, but then I think, you know, a lot of people pay a lot of money to vacation in the place I call home. And that's kind of cool.

Somewhere between beating out the drum part to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' "American Girl" on my air drum kit and jazz handsing it through The Weather Girls' "It's Raining Men," I decided to start "blogging" for the world to see. And aren't you lucky?

It has something to do with the fact that I'm a writer and, as such, I like to be read. I'm working on a novel right now (very slow goings, especially since I keep losing the jump drive I've got the file on) but the only person who reads that is me. And there are a very limited number of people who read the livejournal. This way, I can write and feel like someone's reading me, even if it's only one or two people. Because really? I have no way of knowing. And what you don't know can't hurt you, right? Right.

I'll end with a concession I made recently. I don't drink beer. I don't like the smell and I don't like the taste. However, my friend Derek had a Bud Light Lime the other day and gave me a swig of it. It wasn't bad, and I find myself buying it now. I mention this because, as it turns out, a cold beer is pretty good after a run. I'd recommend it. Both the beer and the run.