So here's the first ANTM recap. Episode one. It was two hours long and it almost killed the battery on my laptop.
Let's begin.
Tyra tells us that it's been a "decade" of ANMT, since this is cycle 11, even though the show has only been on since 2003. Last time I checked, a decade was 10 years, not five. In all actuality, ANTM has only been on for a dec.
In "celebration" of the fact that the "show" has been on for a "decade," they're back in L.A. I'd heard that the reason they'd moved the show to New York was because Tyra had a new man. Did that not work out? Did he realize that Tyra's not an actual person but, instead, a fierce cyborg?
Speaking of cyborgs! Apparently, the theme of this season is Cheesetastic "Futuristic" Bad Special Effects. Keep your eye out for these throughout the next two hours, because they run rampant. Fiercely. But more about that later.
We see all 33 semi-finalists on a bus. Hannah, 18, (shown at right) is from Alaska. Hannah says she's "excited" because "Alaska doesn't have freeways. Or people." Hannah is boring.
Sheena, 21, (below) has, according to one of the other 32, an advantage because "she's the only Oriental girl here." Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it un-PC to say Oriental these days? Isn't it "Asian." Well, Oriental, Asian, Potato, Po-
tah-to, Sheena is awesome. She'll be Girl Crush #1.
So now we're at this warehouse building and the first of several bad, cheap-looking "special" effects happens. This green lightening bolt runs down said building.
Actually, you know, during this show, there were several times this commercial for cell phones came on and the color options for these phones were black, white, and fierce green. I'm going to assume that the official color of that lightning bolt is fierce green.
And it's THE JAYS! OMG! And they're wearing bad silver and white wigs. Black Jay looks like a Muppet. I'll warn you now that I refuse to call J. Alexander Miss J, since he's not actually a woman, so I'm going to differentiate by calling them OJ (Orange Jay aka Jay Manuel) and BJ (for Black Jay). Maybe it's racist, I'm not sure, but really, it's easier. Although, you know, the initials BJ would probably be appropriate for either one of them, if you know what I'm sayin'.
Onward.
Apparently, the 33 are about to go into the Top Model Institute of Technology. I'm blinded by the Jays' shiny silver jackets and the prevalence of their Man Boobs, or, moobs, if you will.
Veronique, 19, from California says something about it's every girl's dream to be there, but I'm more distracted by her awful, awful teeth.
We get a bunch of crap about how the TMIoT is there to "build better models." Judging from the ANTM wi
nners of the last few cycle, they have quite the job on their hands. OJ scans his hand to get access and it all reminds me of those movies from, you know, the 80's and prior that shows all this high-tech gadgetry but really, you can tell that the buttons were painted with nail polish and you an see the string attached to the parts that "move on their own."
Brittney B., 18, (left) from Chicago is "going to win this." She seems awfully confident. In fact, her confidence is so annoying and so overwhelming, it's almost a relief that. . .oh, wait, I won't give it away yet. Let's just say, schadenfreude was an overwhelming feeling for me come the end of these 2 hours.
Elina, 18, (right) from Seattle is my Girl Crush #2. She's hot, but in an odd sort of way. Also, she's vegan. And I'm going to guess, a lesbian. I'm not being stereotypical - she just has that way about her.
Kacey, 19, from California tells us that she "knows how to have class and be sophisticated." She's not ghetto, which is proven because her name is not LaSheaquitah LaSamitah. Oh my God, you guys, my first child is so going to be named LaSheaquitah LaSamitah. Also, Kacey is annoying.
Veronique is a Mormon. Veronique is boring.
The 33 then have their walks and "pertinent date" "analyzed" "scientifically." Really? All I'm noticing here is that in this scene, OJ looks like a woman.
Isis of the Big Ass Earrings, 22, (left) from Maryland is "interested in anything fashion-related." Maybe someone should tell Isis that those earrings would not be considered fashionable anywhere except maybe. . .no. Never mind. They wouldn't be
considered fashionable anywhere.
Clark, 19, (right) from South Carolina is my Girl Crush #3. Except she seems like a total bitch. She feels that when she walks, she intimidates people.
Joslyn, 23, (below) is from Louisiana and has tried out for ANTM 30 times. No, that's not a typo. Not 3 times. 30 times. One would think you'd get a hint after the first. . .10 or so times? I would say that Joslyn is the Susan Lucci of ANTM, but at least La Lucci was nominated
for something. Joslyn never even made it to the (hypothetical) awards ceremony. I'm hoping that Joslyn isn't this season's answer to Cycle 9 winner Jaslene, because then I will be sorely disappointed because I hated Jaslene and Joslyn irritates me.
BJ says something about how they're there to build better models and the 33 are supposed to step into the Glaminator 11.0. My first thought is, wow, if version 11.0 looks this ghetto, I'd hate to see the first 10 or so Glaminators. My second thought is how much I love Sheena, because she says, "I was like, they got technology like that?" And my third thought is, wow, I must really be more of a racist than I thought I was, because I immediately noticed that BJ is wearing white shoes and OJ is wearing black shoes, and I thought it was kind of funny.
Oh no! The Glaminator 11.0 is shaking uncontrollably and it has fierce green bolts shooting out of it. The 33 look surprised. I say anyone who didn't know Tyra was going to pop out of this thing right about now deserves to be on this show.
The 33, of course, freak out. One says, "She [Tyra] is really hot. And tall." She's also wearing silver lipstick and her boobs are pushed up to her chin. She's scary, man. Really scary.
Tyra says that the next Top Model needs to be "technologically bankable." Get it? Bankable, Tyra BANKS? Just me? Ok.
Tyra asks the 33, "Can you make money?" My guess is no, not if they're on this show for any extended period of time.
After more crap no one cares about, Tyra says, "Beam us up. . .fiercely." And she and the Jays are "beamed up" while the 33 stand there looking like something actually just happened other than a director saying, "Ok, cut. Now, Tyra, Jays, run away so there's nothing there anymore and you 33 stand there and look surprised. Try to channel the first time you realized that no one in the history of Top Model has ever made a legitimate career as a Top Model. Channel that time that you realized that guy you gave it up to wasn't REALLY going to stay with you forever. Tony, get me a sandwich. Aaaaaand, ACTION!"
Commercial!
Has anyone else noticed that everything Tyler Perry does, he has to put his name in front of? Tyler Perry's House of Payne, Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys, Tyler Perry's Enormous Ego.
And we're back! TyraBot, Alpha Jay and Beta Jay (still known as BJ and OJ) are beamed into the room and ready to meet the 33. OJ is wearing new pants.
First up is Brittany B. who is "hella confident." OJ wants to know who her favorite designer is and BB can't name any. She says that's why she's there, to learn. TyraBot shuts her down pretty quickly. Peace out, BB. It was nice knowing you. She walks in a bikini clutching her lucky underwear. Oh dear God, I hope they're clean. Something is said about her energy. I'm not paying attention, because I'm praying those are clean underpants she's carrying.
Lauren Brie, 20, (right) is up next. She thinks she's "exotic looking." Um, she's blonde with blue eyes. She's boring, but I'm certain she'll at least make it to the next round.
Analeigh, 19, (below) used to be a competitive figure skater. She's cute in a bohemian sort of way and she's wearing a gigantic peace sign around her ne
ck. She actually kind of reminds me of my little sister, who, incidentally, is the coolest chick I know. And, holy shit, you guys! Analeigh was sold to a Saudi prince as a wife, all the while thinking she was being signed to an agency. That's pretty heavy. TyraBot is glad Analeigh is safe.
Here's Clark, the Hot Bitch. She says she's "bonding" with the girls, but she doesn't want people to mistake that as her making friends. Clark (with no "e") tells TyraBot and the Jays that she's the prettiest girl in the competition. She says she has no bodily insecurities. Who here thinks that midway through the season, we have a big Tyra Banks as Oprah moment where we discover she was anorexic for years? OJ is bored by Clark.
Kacey I Hate is back. Her family calls her White Girl. Apparently, she used to have a lot of white friends, but she's not friends with them anymore? Why? Because they didn't understand why she couldn't go swimming. Why couldn't she go swimming? Because, for one, she can't swim, but also because of her hair. TyraBot thinks that's dumb. As do I.
Marjorie (right) is from France. TyraBot speaks something that vaguely sounds like French but I have all ideas is actually just her stomach growling. She's nervous by nature. Everyone loves her. Oh my God, along with her bathing suit, she's wearing those weird boots that are high heels. I hate those. Also, Marjorie is already grating on my nerves, and I think she's really weird-looking. Which probably means she'll win.
Joslyn, who is 23, feels that the other girls are immature, and she feels this way because she's older. It makes me so sad that an age that I'll be leaving behind in a month and a half is "old."
Veronique talks about being Mormon and how her parents put her on lockdown when she was 16 because she was having sex.
Next up is Isis of the Large Earrings, who has drawn a picture for TyraBot. As you do. She was a background model in a shoot from cycle 10. She was also born male. There's some discussion about whether she's pre- or post-op (she's pre-op, but would have the surgery immediately if she could.) Tyra steps up onto a soapbox. I guess Isis is this cycle's cause. I can't decide how I feel about Isis. She does, in fact, look masculine, but then again, so does Jaslene, and she won. I don't see Isis winning, though, because although Seventeen Magazine would have a field day with that story, I can't see Cover Girl hiring anything other than a squeaky clean Girl Next Door for a spokesperson.
The girls are shown sitting around, discussing boobs. Specifically, Isis' boobs, or lack thereof. Isis tells them she's not technically entirely a she, and everyone is a little weirded out. . .except for Awesome Sheena. She says the best person with the best spirit will win. Clark says she's going to "stomp that man right out of the competition." Clark is kind of a bitch. I would guess that we'll have an Isis v. Clark girl fight before the 6th episode.
Commercial!
Part 2 to follow.
Let's begin.
Tyra tells us that it's been a "decade" of ANMT, since this is cycle 11, even though the show has only been on since 2003. Last time I checked, a decade was 10 years, not five. In all actuality, ANTM has only been on for a dec.
In "celebration" of the fact that the "show" has been on for a "decade," they're back in L.A. I'd heard that the reason they'd moved the show to New York was because Tyra had a new man. Did that not work out? Did he realize that Tyra's not an actual person but, instead, a fierce cyborg?
Speaking of cyborgs! Apparently, the theme of this season is Cheesetastic "Futuristic" Bad Special Effects. Keep your eye out for these throughout the next two hours, because they run rampant. Fiercely. But more about that later.
We see all 33 semi-finalists on a bus. Hannah, 18, (shown at right) is from Alaska. Hannah says she's "excited" because "Alaska doesn't have freeways. Or people." Hannah is boring.
Sheena, 21, (below) has, according to one of the other 32, an advantage because "she's the only Oriental girl here." Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it un-PC to say Oriental these days? Isn't it "Asian." Well, Oriental, Asian, Potato, Po-
tah-to, Sheena is awesome. She'll be Girl Crush #1.So now we're at this warehouse building and the first of several bad, cheap-looking "special" effects happens. This green lightening bolt runs down said building.
Actually, you know, during this show, there were several times this commercial for cell phones came on and the color options for these phones were black, white, and fierce green. I'm going to assume that the official color of that lightning bolt is fierce green.
And it's THE JAYS! OMG! And they're wearing bad silver and white wigs. Black Jay looks like a Muppet. I'll warn you now that I refuse to call J. Alexander Miss J, since he's not actually a woman, so I'm going to differentiate by calling them OJ (Orange Jay aka Jay Manuel) and BJ (for Black Jay). Maybe it's racist, I'm not sure, but really, it's easier. Although, you know, the initials BJ would probably be appropriate for either one of them, if you know what I'm sayin'.
Onward.
Apparently, the 33 are about to go into the Top Model Institute of Technology. I'm blinded by the Jays' shiny silver jackets and the prevalence of their Man Boobs, or, moobs, if you will.
Veronique, 19, from California says something about it's every girl's dream to be there, but I'm more distracted by her awful, awful teeth.
We get a bunch of crap about how the TMIoT is there to "build better models." Judging from the ANTM wi
nners of the last few cycle, they have quite the job on their hands. OJ scans his hand to get access and it all reminds me of those movies from, you know, the 80's and prior that shows all this high-tech gadgetry but really, you can tell that the buttons were painted with nail polish and you an see the string attached to the parts that "move on their own."Brittney B., 18, (left) from Chicago is "going to win this." She seems awfully confident. In fact, her confidence is so annoying and so overwhelming, it's almost a relief that. . .oh, wait, I won't give it away yet. Let's just say, schadenfreude was an overwhelming feeling for me come the end of these 2 hours.
Elina, 18, (right) from Seattle is my Girl Crush #2. She's hot, but in an odd sort of way. Also, she's vegan. And I'm going to guess, a lesbian. I'm not being stereotypical - she just has that way about her.
Kacey, 19, from California tells us that she "knows how to have class and be sophisticated." She's not ghetto, which is proven because her name is not LaSheaquitah LaSamitah. Oh my God, you guys, my first child is so going to be named LaSheaquitah LaSamitah. Also, Kacey is annoying.
Veronique is a Mormon. Veronique is boring.
The 33 then have their walks and "pertinent date" "analyzed" "scientifically." Really? All I'm noticing here is that in this scene, OJ looks like a woman.
Isis of the Big Ass Earrings, 22, (left) from Maryland is "interested in anything fashion-related." Maybe someone should tell Isis that those earrings would not be considered fashionable anywhere except maybe. . .no. Never mind. They wouldn't be
considered fashionable anywhere.Clark, 19, (right) from South Carolina is my Girl Crush #3. Except she seems like a total bitch. She feels that when she walks, she intimidates people.
Joslyn, 23, (below) is from Louisiana and has tried out for ANTM 30 times. No, that's not a typo. Not 3 times. 30 times. One would think you'd get a hint after the first. . .10 or so times? I would say that Joslyn is the Susan Lucci of ANTM, but at least La Lucci was nominated
for something. Joslyn never even made it to the (hypothetical) awards ceremony. I'm hoping that Joslyn isn't this season's answer to Cycle 9 winner Jaslene, because then I will be sorely disappointed because I hated Jaslene and Joslyn irritates me.BJ says something about how they're there to build better models and the 33 are supposed to step into the Glaminator 11.0. My first thought is, wow, if version 11.0 looks this ghetto, I'd hate to see the first 10 or so Glaminators. My second thought is how much I love Sheena, because she says, "I was like, they got technology like that?" And my third thought is, wow, I must really be more of a racist than I thought I was, because I immediately noticed that BJ is wearing white shoes and OJ is wearing black shoes, and I thought it was kind of funny.
Oh no! The Glaminator 11.0 is shaking uncontrollably and it has fierce green bolts shooting out of it. The 33 look surprised. I say anyone who didn't know Tyra was going to pop out of this thing right about now deserves to be on this show.
The 33, of course, freak out. One says, "She [Tyra] is really hot. And tall." She's also wearing silver lipstick and her boobs are pushed up to her chin. She's scary, man. Really scary.
Tyra says that the next Top Model needs to be "technologically bankable." Get it? Bankable, Tyra BANKS? Just me? Ok.
Tyra asks the 33, "Can you make money?" My guess is no, not if they're on this show for any extended period of time.
After more crap no one cares about, Tyra says, "Beam us up. . .fiercely." And she and the Jays are "beamed up" while the 33 stand there looking like something actually just happened other than a director saying, "Ok, cut. Now, Tyra, Jays, run away so there's nothing there anymore and you 33 stand there and look surprised. Try to channel the first time you realized that no one in the history of Top Model has ever made a legitimate career as a Top Model. Channel that time that you realized that guy you gave it up to wasn't REALLY going to stay with you forever. Tony, get me a sandwich. Aaaaaand, ACTION!"
Commercial!
Has anyone else noticed that everything Tyler Perry does, he has to put his name in front of? Tyler Perry's House of Payne, Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys, Tyler Perry's Enormous Ego.
And we're back! TyraBot, Alpha Jay and Beta Jay (still known as BJ and OJ) are beamed into the room and ready to meet the 33. OJ is wearing new pants.
First up is Brittany B. who is "hella confident." OJ wants to know who her favorite designer is and BB can't name any. She says that's why she's there, to learn. TyraBot shuts her down pretty quickly. Peace out, BB. It was nice knowing you. She walks in a bikini clutching her lucky underwear. Oh dear God, I hope they're clean. Something is said about her energy. I'm not paying attention, because I'm praying those are clean underpants she's carrying.
Lauren Brie, 20, (right) is up next. She thinks she's "exotic looking." Um, she's blonde with blue eyes. She's boring, but I'm certain she'll at least make it to the next round.
Analeigh, 19, (below) used to be a competitive figure skater. She's cute in a bohemian sort of way and she's wearing a gigantic peace sign around her ne
ck. She actually kind of reminds me of my little sister, who, incidentally, is the coolest chick I know. And, holy shit, you guys! Analeigh was sold to a Saudi prince as a wife, all the while thinking she was being signed to an agency. That's pretty heavy. TyraBot is glad Analeigh is safe.Here's Clark, the Hot Bitch. She says she's "bonding" with the girls, but she doesn't want people to mistake that as her making friends. Clark (with no "e") tells TyraBot and the Jays that she's the prettiest girl in the competition. She says she has no bodily insecurities. Who here thinks that midway through the season, we have a big Tyra Banks as Oprah moment where we discover she was anorexic for years? OJ is bored by Clark.
Kacey I Hate is back. Her family calls her White Girl. Apparently, she used to have a lot of white friends, but she's not friends with them anymore? Why? Because they didn't understand why she couldn't go swimming. Why couldn't she go swimming? Because, for one, she can't swim, but also because of her hair. TyraBot thinks that's dumb. As do I.
Marjorie (right) is from France. TyraBot speaks something that vaguely sounds like French but I have all ideas is actually just her stomach growling. She's nervous by nature. Everyone loves her. Oh my God, along with her bathing suit, she's wearing those weird boots that are high heels. I hate those. Also, Marjorie is already grating on my nerves, and I think she's really weird-looking. Which probably means she'll win.
Joslyn, who is 23, feels that the other girls are immature, and she feels this way because she's older. It makes me so sad that an age that I'll be leaving behind in a month and a half is "old."
Veronique talks about being Mormon and how her parents put her on lockdown when she was 16 because she was having sex.
Next up is Isis of the Large Earrings, who has drawn a picture for TyraBot. As you do. She was a background model in a shoot from cycle 10. She was also born male. There's some discussion about whether she's pre- or post-op (she's pre-op, but would have the surgery immediately if she could.) Tyra steps up onto a soapbox. I guess Isis is this cycle's cause. I can't decide how I feel about Isis. She does, in fact, look masculine, but then again, so does Jaslene, and she won. I don't see Isis winning, though, because although Seventeen Magazine would have a field day with that story, I can't see Cover Girl hiring anything other than a squeaky clean Girl Next Door for a spokesperson.
The girls are shown sitting around, discussing boobs. Specifically, Isis' boobs, or lack thereof. Isis tells them she's not technically entirely a she, and everyone is a little weirded out. . .except for Awesome Sheena. She says the best person with the best spirit will win. Clark says she's going to "stomp that man right out of the competition." Clark is kind of a bitch. I would guess that we'll have an Isis v. Clark girl fight before the 6th episode.
Commercial!
Part 2 to follow.
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