If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman? If I'm alive and well, will you be there a-holding my hand?

So long since my last post (like a week). So much to tell (like a lot). I'm probably going to forget something or leave something out, but I'll do my very best.

First of all, I started my new job yesterday. I, admittedly, got off to a rocky start, but it had nothing to do with the job I'm going to be doing, but the job that I was doing before. I don't feel like going into the inane details, but suffice it to say that we need better management.

I LOVE having an office. I've only been in there for a day, but it's. . .kind of amazing. I like having a place to pace around (as I do when I'm thinking), I like having a whiteboard where I can make notes, I love my big desk and I love having a door I can close. I haven't closed it yet, but I could if I wanted to. I also took the microwave from my old desk, since it had been Allison that brought that in and Allison is no longer there. Come Sunday, I'll have a fridge in there as well (random fact about me. Whenever I write out "fridge," it's because I truly have no idea how to spell the entire, spelled-out word, and I don't want to look dumb or take the effort to figure it out) because the one I had in college is at my grandparents' house, and I will, in fact, be in Greensboro Sunday for my mom's side of the family's Thanksgiving soiree. (I can spell things like soiree properly, but I can't spell the entirety of fridge.)

I have written my first Last Word. The Last Word is a column at the end of the publication that is normally humor-based or whatever. Carrie wrote her last Last Word last week with her Thanksgiving issue of the mag (in keeping with my "anonymity," I'm just going to refer to it as the mag. I'm aware it's not a real magazine, but I think I'm allowed.) which, in my opinion, was one of her best issues to date. It's right up there with Folkmoot and last year's gift guide.

Anyway, I'm going to put the Last Word here, to give you a preview, since it won't actually come out until Tuesday. Karen's already seen it, but the rest of you can be surprised:

I was having a conversation with some of my colleagues the other day and we started talking about what you don’t know about people. One reporter, Kim, said that when you fill out a survey on one of those social networking sites, like Facebook or MySpace, one question typically asked is, “What’s one thing people don’t know about you?” Kim said this was a dumb question, because, “There’s probably a reason you haven’t told people some things.”
I thought about that for a second and said, “Well, things people don’t know about you aren’t necessarily secrets. They’re just things you don’t think to mention.” The example I gave was that I don’t really like Oreos without peanut butter on them. It’s not something I’m ashamed of; it’s just something that doesn’t come up often. Incidentally, a couple weeks ago, one of my favorite people, not actually knowing my preference, presented me with an Oreo that had peanut butter cream in the middle instead of regular cream. The question here is, how had I gone this long without knowing such a thing existed?
Anyway, I decided that, as the new mag editor, I would share with all of you, the readers, some things you probably don’t know about me. It’s a bonding experience. We’re going to be, in one form or another, in each other’s lives at least once a week, pretty much indefinitely. After this, if you see me walking down Main Street, you can turn to whomever you’re with and say, “Hey, did you know she [enter name of fact here]?” If they read the mag (and hopefully, they do), they’ll tell you they already knew. If they don’t, you will have given them a completely useless nugget of knowledge they will most likely remember, even though they’re not sure why. Some of these, those closest to me would know, but I feel, again, that we’re bonding here, so I’ll share them with you as well.
Let’s begin.
There are two movies that will cause me to tear up every time I see them: Armageddon and Sesame Street’s “Follow That Bird.” I think Armageddon is understandable. It’s at that one part where Bruce Willis and his excess of testosterone are about to save the day and he’s saying goodbye to Liv Tyler? I tear up every time. It just happens. Follow That Bird, on the other hand, is an interesting story. Apparently, when I was 2 or so, I would watch the movie over and over, paying most attention to the part of the movie where Big Bird, who has been kidnapped and painted blue, is forced to sing this incredibly sad song about why he’s so blue (figuratively). My mom worried about masochistic tendencies in her daughter because I seemed to watch it just so I could watch that part and cry. Cut to 17 years later. I’m 19 and home after my first year of college. I’d recently discovered Netflix and had rented Follow That Bird, just for kicks, and to laugh at 2-year-old Sarah and how overly sensitive she was. Imagine my horror when, at that part of the film, I felt my eyes well up. I definitely cried through the entire song. Thinking it was a fluke, I went to the part of the DVD that just showed the songs and watched it again. I swear it was some kind of Pavlovian thing, because the tears started up. I have, in fact, not watched it since.
The sound that I almost literally cannot stand to be around is the sound of packing tape or duct tape being either ripped off the roll or off a box. Before I moved here, I worked for Pepsi in Raleigh. I sat in a cubicle in the middle of the room and the IT shared a cube wall with me. I never knew this guy’s name, but apparently a big part of his job was to put packing tape onto or rip packing tape off of boxes. He would begin at approximately 11:30 a.m. and rip tape until 3:30 or 4 in the afternoon. The sound almost drove me out of my mind. I had to start bringing in my iPod and put it up to an ear-shattering volume to cover the sound that made me want to jump out of my skin. Have you ever gotten so intensely agitated about something that it made you feel itchy? That was me at Pepsi. More recently, it was when my work friend Aron was making his Halloween costume that he learned about my tape aversion. His costume this year was “Duct Tape Man,” which, obviously, required the use of duct tape. Lots and lots of duct tape. After about half an hour into the construction of the costume, I said to Aron in what I hoped was a conversational tone of voice, “Did you know that the sound of duct tape being ripped off the roll is one thing that kind of makes me a little crazy?” Apparently, the tone wasn’t as conversational as I might have hoped, because Aron looked at me with something resembling fear on his face. Since Halloween was the following evening, he had to finish the costume, so I ignored it the best I could. Incidentally, we are still friends and I managed to not tear out all my hair.
I really, really wish I could speak French fluently. This might not seem like such a weird thing. There are plenty of people who wish they could speak a foreign language. I guess the weird part about it is that I‘m unable to do it, seeing as to how I took three years of French in high school and, collectively, four semesters of French in college. The four semesters in college were a requirement, although to this day I’m not certain why you need two years of a foreign language to get a degree in English. But despite five years of French classes and three half-semesters where I dropped midway through because I realized at the rate I was going, I would kill my GPA if I continued, I still have the most rudimentary grasp of conversational French. I can read it sometimes and I have a few choice phrases I can understand and speak, but in general, it’s an epic failure. As a result, I sound like someone really pretentious when I randomly drop the French words I do know into conversation (i.e. “Would tu aimer to go to déjeuner at Nick and Nate’s avec moi?”) I would, however, love to be able to bust out entire, correct, sentences in French. It’s a dream of mine, really. But despite my best efforts and my GPA, ultimately, being knocked down to just below 3.0, I can’t do it and so, for now, people will have to deal with hearing things like, “J’adore what you’ve done with your cheveux.”
So there you go. Three things about me that you most likely didn’t know, and might not have even cared to know. But now that I’ve shared, I’d like to ask you to share, too. I want to know what you want to read in the mag. I’d love to hear your ideas for things you’d like to see more of, things you’d like to see less of and what I can do to make your reading experience as enjoyable as it could possibly be. You can e-mail me at [my work e-mail] with anything you’d like to say. You can even come by my office to chat. If you do this, though, I’d like to ask that you bring Oreos. Also, peanut butter.

So there it is. My first offering as BigShot Editor. I'm rather proud of it. I miss writing columns. I got to do it weekly in college.

What else? I know there's more.

Oh! I've discovered a clothing brand that J'adore. At Target, they have this brand called Converse One Star. Since it's the Converse brand, it's ridiculously expensive. However, if you wait for things to go on sale and clearance, it's palpable. The only thing is, their sizes are kind of weird. I got a white shirt there a few weeks ago that was a medium, the long-sleeved polo I've got on today is a large, and a tank top I bought there is a small. So. . .I'm not sure about that. I think they tend to run big, because the shirt I've got on today could probably stand to be a size smaller. But even though I don't like everything in the collection, the basis of it is exactly my casual style. (My casual style and my "professional" style are kind of two different things.)

You know those weird, random things that you remember that you really have to reason to remember ever? Rod Stewart's "Forever Young" just came on my Pandora radio, and I was reminded of a time in. . .it was either 8th or 9th grade, because I was in Latin class and those were the only two years I took Latin (due to having been forced by the school, not due to any kind of burning desire to learn dead languages), but we were, for some reason, playing charades, and my teacher, Mr. Walker (who also taught English one year, I believe), was up and was trying to act out a song title, and couldn't het anyone to guess it and finally began frntically pointing at this one girl, Stephanie Young, and as soon as he pointed to her, I KNEW what he was trying to get at but, for whatever reason, decided not to say anything. No one ever figured it out. And if I would have been like, "I figured it out," either people wouldn't have believed me, or they would have wondered why, if I knew it, I didn't say anything. That, in fact, is an excellent question. I really don't know.

I'm wicked excited that Katie is coming to stay with me tomorrow. It took us forEVER to convince our mother to let her come up, but we did prevail. It didn't help when my town was all over the news because of a flasher who decided to flash people ON MY STREET. Like, literally. On my street. I told my mother that he was only flashing men (true), but she still was hesitant. I'm saying, it's ok for me to live near Flashy McJunkerstein, but not Katie? I don't know. (Also, I think it's mildly funny that my spellcheck didn't pick up "McJunkerstein.") So when I go to Greensboro tomorrow for "Thanksgiving," I'll bring her back with me, and she'll stay here until Thursday, when we go BACK to Greensboro for Actual!Thanksgiving, and I'll drop her off with my father.

Another reason my mother gave for her trepidation for letting Katie come up was that Katie, "Isn't used to living the same lifestyle I do." . . .Really? I can tell you with absolute certainty that Katie goes out more often than I do. If I come home past 8 or 9, it's either because I'm at Carrie's, I'm still at work, or I'm out randomly driving around. I kind of wish I were living the life my mother seems to think I am.

Nick'll be back in. . .29 days. One more month. His family is going to see him this week and they're spending Thanksgiving in Paris. My question is, why am I not spending Thanksgiving in Paris? I think that's a valid question. It would make sense, really. As in, "I am THANKFUL that I'm in Paris!" Whatever. I'm sure he's aware that he needs to being me presents. If any of you are wondering, and I know you are, I have, in fact, picked the outfit that I'm going to wear when I see Nick again. I have to look fabulous, obviously, and I have just the thing.

And finally, ANTM. My poor Analeigh made it to the Top 3 and then lost out in being in the Top 2 by being beaten by weird, manly McKey and always-looks-like-she's-going-to-cry Samantha. Ultimately, as I predicted, McKey won. Homegirl is. . .not cute. Not pretty. She looks like a mannish duck. Maybe that's what the modeling industry is into these days, but if I were a designer, I wouldn't want my dresses worn by a man. But at least the cycle is over. Hopefully, I won't get sucked into the next cycle. My nerves can't take it.

Off to work and errands.

Please don't leave, stay in bed (touch my body instead). Gonna make you feel it. Can you still feel it?

So, this day was. . .interesting. I colored my hair last night, and it. . .didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. It's kind of black now. I looked in the mirror this morning and thought, super. I look like Morticia Addams. Then I put on the outfit I'd planned on, and when I pulled on the boots (mid-calf, high heeled black boots) I realized right then that I could never wear those boots ever again, because I truly looked like a vampire hooker. I have a feeling if I didn't have the black hair, I'd just look like a regular hooker. So the boots have to go. Not the ones I wear on usually at least a bi-weekly basis, but a pair that I don't think I've worn since college.

Anyway, I went to a salon near my house and they told me that it would, in fact, be a long an arduous (and more expensive than I want to think about) process, but they might be able to help me. I'm a little concerned that the process is going to turn my hair to straw. Most people at work didn't think it was awful (they actually said it looked fine), but the way I figure it, if I let it grow out, I'll just have to keep recoloring the roots a color that I hate. I swear I'm never going to touch my hair again. Until I start going gray.

So work was whatever, we've survived without Vi. It's. . .so nice when she's not there. We're not being micro-managed within an inch of our lives. Now she's coming back and we're all going to get a dressing down about. . .whatever she can come up with. And I'm going to have to train that woman I don't like for my job.

After work, I had a conversation that put me into one of those "oh my God, I need to drive and sing" moods. And then. . .I needed a cheeseburger. I'm not a big beef eater, and I don't eat hamburgers very often, but occasionally, I have a hankering, and I had one of those this evening. Since I was going to be driving anyway, I thought, "Why not Burger King? In Asheville?"

Little-known fact about me: Burger King is basically the only fast-food burger I'll eat. If there's absolutely nothing else around, I'll eat something else, but Burger King is the way to go.

So one double cheeseburger later, I was still driving (and it was really foggy. I probably wouldn't have driven as far as I did had I known how foggy it was) and listening to Maroon 5. Probably not the best band, considering, but whatever.

I'm rambling.

Ok, I'm going to stop rambling. And I leave you with this: if you ever get the urge to buy me a "Because you're awesome" gift or a "Because you work too hard for too little pay and deserve something awesome in your life," I would recommend this site. Pretty much any of those would make me happy.

I'll write more when I'm not rambling.

I was so high I did not recognize the fire burning in her eyes, the chaos that controlled my mind.

In honor of tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model (during which I can only PRAY that effing Marjorie gets the boot), I'm posting a video my sister, Katie, her best friend, Meghan, and Meghan's brother, Ryan, made. They made this a few months ago, but it cracks me up every single time I see it. My sister is the "Russian Girl."

This feeling's like no other. I want you to know that I've never had someone that knows me like you do. (The way you do.)

Ladies, gentlemen and assorted others, I apologize with the profuse apologeticness of a thousand people who are really, really sorry for my lack of updating as of late. I keep meaning to but just. . .don't. There's been a lot going on, and some of it isn't anything I really feel like talking about, so I feel it's better to not blog at all than to blog depressingly.

It may, however, have cost me the few readers I have. Come back! I still love you!

So let's start with the election.

Obama won. Duh. What's funny to me, though, is that North Carolina, as of 1:07 p.m. Wednesday, Nov. 5, STILL hasn't gone either way. We are the 2008 version of the 2000 Florida. it doesn't really matter which way we go, because the election's been called, but if we end up going Democratic, that'll be the first time in. . .30, 40 something years that that's happened, and that's pretty much a milestone, no matter which way you voted.

Facebook, to me, has been the funniest part of the election. The people who voted Obama are FREAKING OUT in their status massages and the people who voted McCain are all really angry and saying America's going to hell in a handbasket.

Me? I'm just glad the whole thing is over. No more political ads, no more fliers in my mailbox. . .we're done. I did vote, if you're wondering. I didn't actually like either candidate, but I did vote for one of them. Not that a vote matters, mind you, since we still have the ridiculously outdated Electoral College in place, but still. It's nice to pretend, if even for a moment, that your opinion matters, even if you're like me and your opinion is kind of wishy-washy.

McCain, in my opinion, gave one hell of a concession speech. He seemed like a completely different person than he's been for the last. . .however God-awful long we've been in this election process. I have a feeling if he'd showed that side of himself, rather than the smug, condescending, Emperor Palpatine asshat he's been, we might have woken up to different headlines this morning.

Actually, I told Dennis last night (because everyone was at the office really late, working to get the election edition of the paper out this morning) [also, I accidentally typed "erection edition" of the paper, and I'm pretty sure that we wouldn't be able to get away with that. Whatever that may actually be.] that Obama people really, really bug me. Not all of them, obviously, but the loud ones. They're all so. . .I don't remember the word I used to describe them, but. . .maybe arrogant? I don't know. I have, as a general rule, and I know this doesn't apply to everyone, noticed that extremely liberal people tend to be more arrogant and extremely conservative people tend to be more smug. I think the lesson here is that middle-of-the-road-wishy-washy is the way to be. At least in this instance.

I'd also comment on the douchiness of those people at McCain's concession speech who were booing Obama, but I feel I've talked enough politics. It'll be interesting to see what the next four years will bring. I have a feeling it'll bring a Palin run for the presidency in 2012.

Good Lord, I'll be pushing 30 in 2012. Jeez.

Ok, so now important things. America's Next Top Model. It's on tonight, and I hope against all hope it's better than last week's episode, because last week's episode was more boring than Mayor Boring McBoringstein of Boringville. They're down to 5 girls now, who are still on the road towards becoming America's Next Top Model.

They are, from my least favorite to the one I hope wins:

5. Marjorie
Dear sweet Jesus, why is this girl still on my TV screen? She's Not. Cute. She's awkward, she's self-deprecating, she's NOT CUTE, she keeps pulling her "Oh, I'm foreign and that's why I'm this way and blah blah blah SHUT UP, MARJORIE! This is America's Next Top Model, honeycakes. Not the "Foreigners Coming to America to Model and Complaining Because 'No One Understands Them' Because They Moved to America When They Were 7" competition. Shut. Up. Every time Marjorie is on the screen, I want to cry. If she wins this thing, I will personally hunt down Ms. Tyra Banks, punch her first in the face and then in the back of her weave, and tell her that her level of fierceness has gone down by a multiple of 10. Period.

4. Elina
Ok, ok. I know that Elina, at the beginning of this competition, was one of my favorites. Not anymore. She has become super-creepy, really annoying and obnoxious beyond all reason. Sure, she takes good photos, but she's. . .she is opinionated to the point of being pushy and in-your-face, and she has suddenly latched onto whatever her nationality is (a nationality I'm pretty sure we hadn't even heard about before a couple of weeks ago) as an excuse as to why "no one understands her." She's, apparently, Eastern European or something, and I'll give her the same speech I gave Marjorie: You're in America. You're in a competition with the word "America" in the title. Stop whining about being foreign. You're pretty enough, but obnoxious as hell. You and Marjorie can both go home. Also, she was in the bottom 2 for two weeks in a row. It's time, Elina.

3. Samantha
Samantha is just kind of annoying, but not in the kind of way that elicits real hatred, such as how I feel about fracking Marjorie. I think Samantha is an idiot, but no one ever said models were supposed to be smart. She has a bit of pig face going on as well, which I don't find attractive at all. If it came down to idiot Marjorie, Elina and Samantha, I'd have to go for Samantha, but she's not interesting (or pretty) enough to be the winner of this competition. I do think that "uninteresting" is probably the best descriptor I can come up with for her. There's nothing special about her. To me, she always kind of looks like she's on the verge of tears.


2. McKey
Now, McKey, I think is kind of hideous, and she looks like a man. If we're talking about looks, McKey would definitely be 5/5 for me. But she doesn't have enough annoying characteristics for me to truly dislike her. She's vaguely interesting, I guess, and 100 times better than Elina and INFINITELY better than Idiot Marjorie. I think McKey was much more attractive before they gave her her makeover, but what can you do? Now she. . .definitely looks like a man, but if my girl didn't win, McKey wouldn't be an absolutely awful alternative. I kind of, for whatever reason, actually get the feeling she wins this thing. But time will tell.

1. Analeigh
This? Is my GIRL. She first caught my attention because her huge peace sign necklace reminded me of my sister, but throughout the entire competition, she's been awesome. She had the best commercial when they did them the other week, she seems genuinely sweet and likable (until the inevitable "Analeigh is not what she seems!" episode) and she's really, really pretty. I'm just absolutely in love with Analeigh and, even though I have a feeling she's not going to take the entire thing, I hope she at least makes is to the top 3. If either Elina or Idiot Marjorie (ESPECIALLY Idiot Marjorie) makes it over her, this show and I will be done.

So we'll see what happens tonight.

Next time, I'll write about going through resumes, my new job, High School Musical 3, and my new and improved 'diabeetus.'

I remember the look in your eyes when I told you that this was goodbye. You were begging me, 'Not tonight. Not here. Not now.'

Dennis just came through here talking about coffee, and it made me realize I haven't had caffeine all day. I was drinking apple juice in my coffee mug this morning (remember the Simply Apple juice?) and have had water in it since then. I had apple juice again at lunch and I'm poor, so I haven't bought groceries (Diet Coke among those) and. . .

I have to cut myself off here and say that after he came through talking about coffee, he kidnapped two of my coffee cups from my desk (I currently have, plus the two kidnapped ones, 6 coffee cups of varying sizes, on my desk. It's an addiction, really.)

Anyway, I hadn't been grocery shopping in a while, so I didn't have any Diet Coke at home, and I think the answer to why I've been sluggish all day long. Aside from the usual "I hate my job, it's sucking out my soul" aspect of the day. So I should seriously consider going to the grocery store and either picking up more coffee for the office (even though I'm pretty sure I bought the last batch) or getting some Diet Cokes for my house.

The day started out in a sucky manner. I came in to an e-mail from my boss (she e-mails passive-aggressive things fairly frequently), and she. . .

Oh, for any of you that are interested, I got the results of the "Where Did Dennis Take My Coffee Cups?" question. He took them and got coffee for both of us. Awesome. See? Just because this is a soul-sucking environment, there is still the occasional burst of Whoo!! Not everyone I work with sucks!!! Also, Carrie just told me that my Make-A-Wish article was awesome. Go me!

So you know, I don't even feel like talking about the passive-aggressive e-mail anymore. Because I just had a piece of cake (happy birthday, Aron!) and I have coffee and all is good in the world.

Let's talk about how I've lied to you about my ANTM recaps. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. I know that there are a couple people who aren't watching the show and who are. . .not counting on my recaps, per se, but who otherwise wouldn't get the awesome commentary on the show. I'm sorry! I swear, I'll get these finished. Tonight. I will do at east one of the three on which I'm behind tonight.

So, when I went downstairs to get cake, someone asked Aron how old he is, and he said he was 25. I'd thought he was older than that, so I started to say, "I thought you were older than me." But that's not what I meant. I KNEW he was older than me, but what I was trying to say was that I thought the distance between my age and his age was greater. So then I tried, "I thought you were more older than me," but that doesn't seem right either. So how would you say that? "Aron, I thought that the number of years you have lived surpassed the number of years I've lived by a greater numeral." That sounds about right.

I'm going home this weekend!! That is to say, I'm going to Raleigh. I'm very excited about this prospect, as life around here is entirely too complicated and wretched (at work) and stressful. I'm leaving Friday morning and coming back at some point Monday, and I'm very, very excited. Beyond excited. Excited x 1,000. 4 days of. . .not here. And I get to see Katie. Katie's my sister, if you didn't know, and pretty much my favorite person ever. She's cool, which is odd for a 16-year-old. But hanging out with her is actually fun.

Ok, so I'll (hopefully) be back with an ANTM recap. I almost promise.

ANTM Episode 2: The One Where Everyone Gets Political

Episode two! More drama! More posing! More fierceness!

Samantha is going to miss prom and graduation to be on the show, but that's ok! Who needs a stupid high school dance where you dress up to a ridiculous extreme and pile makeup on your face while pretending to like the people around you when you can. . .be on TV, dressing up to a ridiculous extreme and pretend to like the people around you?

Brittany B. really, really wants to win.

Brittany S. looks kind of like a duck. Or like Sarah from Cycle 5. I don't think she's pretty at all.

Marjorie has awful teeth. She emigrated from France when she was 9. She was homeschooled. I really can't stand this girl.

The remaining 14 are on a roof, randomly. Since Tyra and the Jays are easily confused, two of the Brittanys have their names changed. Brittany B. is, henceforth, to be known as Sharaun. I have no idea from whence this name has come. Ugly Duck Brittany S. is now McKey. The hell?

Isis mentions she's a former he on the way to becoming a she.

Oh, and here are the Jays. OJ refers to the girls as "14 lucky bitches." The girls then run from the roof to this bus all decked out in makeup and pinkness. It looks like every former winner of this show has thrown up in this bus.

The girls get to their new digs and go tearing through the house. Hannah reminds us, yet again, that she had no electricity or running water while she was growing up. Hannah remains boring.

There's random footage of a snail.

The girls all gather around Isis and question her. She talks about using tape to hide her junk in a bathing suit and about filing down Adams apples. They discuss her voice, which is actually low, but not abnormally so. I mean, I have a low voice for a female, so I get it.

Now they're talking about Marjorie. My dear GOD, this girl bugs me. I can't even put into words how much I can't stand this chick. She's so skittish, and she's not cute and she's so self-depricating. It's not cute, girlfriend. Not fierce at all.

There's a pool so, of course, everyone jumps in. Isis says this is the first time she's gone swimming as "Isis." Isis is kind of cute and endearing. McKey and Isis discuss transitioning, which Isis likens to going through puberty again. McKey says Isis is developing "like a butterfly." How cute! I don't hate McKey as much as I did last episode.

You know who I do hate more than last episode, though? Clark. I'm afraid she and I are going to have to break up. She says she's "not closedminded, but traditional." Hannah (who still needs to shut up and go back to Alaska) is talking to Clark. Clark says that in the South, you "don't run into a he-she every day." First of all, shut up, Clark. Secondly, I went to college with at least one transgender person, and I went to school in the South. So there. Clark says Isis "has no place in this competition."

McKey reminds me why I didn't like her last episode. She's punching. . .the air. And then a pillow. All to the soundtrack of Eye of the Tiger. I can't even tell you how awesome that is. Clark tells us this is not a fighting competition, but a modeling competition. She doesn't think McKey is right in the head.

Tyra mail!! It's on a screen, where we see a picture of Tyra as a fierce postman. "Tomorrow, it's going to get really intimate in under a minute. I assure you it will be . . . magical. Love, Tyra." They all read the message in unison, and it is annoying. I hope they don't keep this up all season, because that'll get really, really old.

The girls pull up in front of a magic castle. The paintings have pairs of eyes that follow you around the room. Creeeepy. Ed Alonso, the Misfit of Magic, is behind a curtain. He irritates me within 10 seconds. Some fake magic tricks are done and all of a sudden, it's. . .NIGEL BARKER, noted fashion photographer. Then Ed Alonso opens a large book called "Secrets of a Top Model" and Paulina Porizkova appears.

The world of modeling is like magic - full of illusions. Blah blah blah, the judges "disappear" (forcing the girls to, once again, pretend that they disappeared before their very eyes,) and the judges go to different places in the castle and the girls have to find them and be interviewed. If I were one of those judges, I'd hide in the most remote corner so the girls couldn't find me and freak out and cry because they failed the challenge. But, you know, that's me. And I'm hateful.

Also, Marjorie's eyes are bugged out and they freak me out a little bit. She's so not cute.

McKey is wearing an awesome glittery silver shirt I'd kill for. She finds BJ first.

Sharaun introduces herself to all the judges as America's Next Top Model. God, this girl is annoying. Paulina is Not Amused. When Sharaun tells BJ she's America's Next Top Model, he says, OK, then I guess I don't need to ask you anything. Burn. Nigel hates her. As do I.

Marjorie blanks when asked her favorite photographer and is so awkward, I want to pass her a necklace with one bead made of cyanide she can just pop and get it over with. She's awkward in the same way that the British version of The Office is awkward. That is to say, extremely.

Paulina loves Samantha. I feel Samantha has had a lobotomy at some point in her life.

Nigel is impressed by Isis' knowledge of light in photographs but feels there's "something about her that was unusual." Oh, Nigel.

After a moment with Joslyn and BJ that I don't really care about, the interviews are over and the girls go back to their house where there was a giant pink box in the backyard. Turns out, the box is filled with presents for all of them. Free clothes, accessories, and other assorted fierceness.

TYRA MAIL! "Fashion isn't the only way to make a statement. Love, Tyra." The models are stumped. Not altogether surprisingly. Oh, Tyra. You and your mysterious, crafty ways.

Nikeysha isn't nervous. Maybe she should be. She's really annoying.

Time for a photo shoot! OJ busts out of a voting booth and talks about how it's an election year, etc. The girls will be posing as different election issues. Also, the girls who aren't yet registered to vote will be registered that day. O. . .k? I guess it's the good, American thing to do, but that was kind of sprung on them. What if they don't want to register? We never find out, though. $100 bucks says Clark registers as a Republican.

Random things I notice here: Isis' shirt looks like a scrub shirt that a nurse would wear and Irritating Sharaun blinks and widens her eyes a lot when she talks. It's very distracting.

Tyra, apparently, is passionate about the upcoming presidential race. Mike Rosenthal, ANTM regular, is doing the shoot. The girls are get their crazy make-up put on.

Samantha (right) interviews that she's never done a photoshoot and says that the only shoot she's ever done is when her father rounded up her and her brothers and said, "Smile!" Samantha does this adorable face and puts her hands into the "Rock on!" position to demonstrate how most of her pictures look. I'm not really a Samantha fan, but that was an adorable moment.

Marjorie, the immigrant, has "immigration" as her issue. Of course. I hate this girl so much, and can't help but notice her freakishly long neck. She's wearing a dress that looks like it was made out of shredded electrical tape.

Brittany's (left) issue is "military." Her shoot is boring, so I have nothing to say about it.

Next up is Clark. Poor, dumb Clark, my ex-girlfriend. She is representing "bureaucracy." She asks if that's the same thing as Communism. Of course. McKey either really just won't tell Clark what bureaucracy is or she doesn't know. I kind of hope she just doesn't want to tell her. Clark gives the photographer the "same face" on a set full of red tape, and she "looks like a Barbie doll." Communist Barbie. That'll be the big seller this Christmas. Watch out, Tickle Me Elmo. Communist Barbie will take all of your property and distribute it amongst the masses.

McKey's (right) issue is "environment" and she's posing with a voting booth which appears to be deep in the jungles of the Amazon. She's wearing a tight bronze dress and she starts punching the air like it took her last bottle of SmartWater. I really love that they're playing Eye of the Tiger again. I really hope that becomes McKey's official theme song, because not only do I love the song, but it cracks me up every time they play it. Clark thinks McKey is crazy. Shut up, Clark.

Commercial!

We're back and Hannah is up next, posing with the issue of "nuclear weapons." She's wearing what appears to be a trash bag with a red ribbon tied around it. Hannah remains boring.

My second girlfriend, Elina, (right) is up next, and her issue is "foreign policy." I guess she does have a foreign look about her, now that I think about it. She smiles with her eyes. As you do.

Isis is up. She's told she has good skin. Her issue is "privacy" and it's shown by her pretending to vote and having other contestants behind the voting booth "spying" on her. All the while, they're making bitchy commentary. Sharaun says, "Reality is, she's a man." Isis remains classy, all the while wearing a sequined dress that I'm not sure I could pull off. I have to say that, personally, I don't understand the whole transgender thing, but if you're going to do it, that's your perrogative, and you shouldn't have nasty bitches saying crap to you. I was hesitant when I heard there was going to be a transgender contestant, but I'm kind of loving Isis now. She basically rocks the shoot.

SHEENA! My God, I love this girl. She's up next and her issue is "energy." She has on blue lipstick, which I don't actually understand, and is wearing a dress that reminds me of Jessica Rabbit. I love Sheena more than words can express. OJ yells "hootch!" when she gets a little too sexy. I hope this isn't going to be Sheena's downfall, like Sara from Cycle 2, who also got the "too sexy" cut.

It's Joslyn's (left) turn and her issue is "unemployment." She's wearing a little pink dress. Jay tells her she was "almost Tyra Banks hot." Which, one might argue, isn't really a compliment.

Analeigh's issue is "healthcare" and she's wearing black sequins. There's not much to say about this one, even though I find her endearing.

Sharaun (right) is up and her issue is "homeland security." OJ says she's looking "convoluted," which. . .does that make sense? Can one LOOK convoluted? I just looked the word up, and the definition is "having convolutions." Thanks, Webster. Convolutions are, apparently, "complications or intricacies of design, a form or shape that is folded in curved or tortuous windings." Eh, ok. She's wearing a short, bluish purple shirtdress. OJ says there's nothing sexy about it at all. True.

Samantha, doing "economy," wears a pink and black dress that looks like it belongs on a paper doll.

Lauren Brie (left) has "education," which I feel is unfortunate for someone so dumb-looking. She wears a dress that looks like bark.

Nikeysha (right) is last (thank God) and her issue is "cloning." She's wearing an outfit that looks like something I imagine a dominatrix going to the Emmys would wear. It also has a white tutu. Wow. She's really, really thin. Do I see an intervention in her near future?

TYRA MAIL! One of these bitches is going home. Sharaun is ready for someone to be cut and for Tyra to tell her she's America's Next Top Model. Foreshadowing, party of one? Your table's ready.

Marjorie talks about. . .something. Honest to God, I can't stand this girl being on my screen. The lack of confidence is not appealing at all. You have to have some level of confidence to even try out for this show, so she needs to stop pretending like she doesn't think she's hot.

Commercials!

We're back with the panel and see Tyra, again looking like she raided Judy Jetson's wardrobe and then stole the gauntlets that went with my marching band uniform in high school. I guess this is "safari Judy Jetson," because it's all khaki/ Fierce khaki.

Tyra tells us, for the first of at least 12 times, that the prizes are a contract with Elite Model Management, a 6-page spread in Seventeen mag, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. I miss the days where the magazine they would appear in was Jane magazine. Oh, Jane, how I miss you.

The judges we know. Nigel, Paulina, and BJ. More of the same. I miss Janice Dickinson, too.

First up on the chopping block is Marjorie. (Boo! Hiss!) (left) Nigel sees nothing but nerves, while Paulina sees a brain. Tyra thinks the photo is "divine."

Sharaun is next and BJ comments on how she likes to spread her legs. I'm really just going to let that one go without comment, mmk? The judges aren't huge fans.

Poor, dumb Clark (right) approaches the table. She admits she didn't know what bureaucracy is and Tyra wonders why she didn't ask. Well, to be fair, she did, but McKey wouldn't tell her. Ha! Her picture is kind of hideous and her entire performance was "mediocre." Yay!

Elina is next. Nigel thinks she looks patriotic. I think she looks hot.

Nikeysha approaches with the "Heeeey!" that is already grating on my nerves. Please, someone give this girl a sandwich and shut her up. Her "face looked great" but she didn’t "have model legs." They, apparently, look like "encased meat." Oh my God, that's awesome. Nikeysha looks confused. I think she's not sure what meat is, since she chooses not to eat anything other than water and celery sticks. Tyra says Nikeysha needs to shut up and that she has trouble taking critique.

Samantha looks like Bridget Hall and also "looks like she runs in the fresh air," which is. . .good?

Josyln looks like Tyra going on a go-see back in the day. She looks pleased with this until she realizes this is not a compliment. They make her take off her earrings and necklace. BJ says she "looks like you’re going out to get some work.” Again, not a compliment. But actually, the picture isn't awful. Go figure.

Analeigh's (left) picture "doesn’t say healthcare" to Nigel. Paulina disagrees.

Brittany is next and BJ loves that she looks "6 feet tall and powerful." Tyra’s brother, who has been in the Air Force for 20 years, will, apparently, call Tyra and say he approves of the picture. I didn't even know Tyra HAD a brother. Oh, man. Bring him in as a guest judge! Please!

Hannah’s headband (right) is too Gossip Girl. Hello, plug for a fellow CW show! That's Hannah's favorite show, so, again, I don't think that she gets that it's an insult. Her picture . . . dude, she looks like more of a man than Isis.

My girl Sheena (left) is up and everyone approves of her picture. Tyra tells her, in response to her concern about looking too hootchie, to "model the opposite of what you have on." I'm not entirely certain what the opposite of blue lipstick is.

McKey is up. (Where in the HELL did they get these names?) Apparently, her film wasn't good until she started boxing the air. Tyra tells her to box in her head. Sage advice. Paulina has nothing negative to say.

Lauren Brie is up, looking more brain dead than usual. The problem with her picture is that we "don't see her eyes, so we don't see the light." Really, I think all you'd see if you looked into her eyes is empty space wrapped in evil.

Isis (right) is up. Tyra talks about her being transgender and cracks on her hair. It's a good picture, though.

The judges begin their deliberations. I fully expected Tyra to say to the girls, "And one of you. . .will be out." I've been watching too much Project Runway. They think Marjorie is "magnificent" but is a "bundle of nerves." They talk about her using French phrases. That's going to get really old really fast. Nigel thinks Shavaun is an "unusual character." Elina "isn't sexy in person, but takes a good picture." Samantha, says Tyra, has one safe look and she needs a boyish haircut to toughen her up. Uh oh. Hello, makeovers! Nikeysha had a good shot but is irritating as hell. I'm paraphrasing a little there. Clark has one of the worst pictures in the bunch, but she has "gorgeous legs." Too bad she has a repugnant personality. Joslyn is a complete surprise to Nigel, but "he gets it." Not much is said about Analeigh. Brittany has a great shot and it makes Tyra "feel patriotic." Hannah's shot is a mess for Nigel and she "has no light in her eyes." Well, hello. She grew up with no electricity! She doesn't know what light is! Sheena has a "rockin' body." As far as McKey goes, Nigel sees "a gorgeous picture of a gorgeous girl" but they feel she lucked into it. Lauren Brie's photo kind of sucks, but Nigel is into her big old forehead. Isis "is a model" and Nigel thinks she's smart. Now wait a minute. Those are two descriptors that don't go together at all. Personally, I think I'd rather be smart. Remind me of that next time I'm complaining because guys find me "intimidating."

Commercial!

Tyra appears, looking stern. Fourteen girls stand before her, but she only has 13 photos in her hands. And Tyra has a special surprise for the girls. Whomever is called first every week will have her picture displayed in the house for a week. That's. . .underwhelming. The first name she's going to call. . .is. . .

Marjorie! (Boo! Hiss!) She's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. Isis is called next and she is cutely happy. Next is McKey, followed by Joslyn. The next name she's going to call. . .is. . .Elina. She's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. She's followed by Samantha, Brittany, Sheena, Analeigh (who does a weird high kick) and poor, dumb Clark. Lauren Brie is called and the next name Tyra is going to call. . .is. . . Hannah. She's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model.

Tyra kind of looks like a man here.

Sharaun and Nikeysha are the bottom two. They both stand before Tyra, but she only has one photo in her hands. The girl's name that she doesn't call must immediately return to the house, pack her bags, and go home.

Sharaun did not inspire the judges during her interviews with them. She has no substance. Nikeysha had a strong picture, but she wouldn't shut up, she cut them off while they were talking, and that wasn't attractive. So who stays?

It's Nikeysha! I guess she's the lesser of the two evils. Sharaun (hilariously) hits the ground crying. Nikeysha is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. Tyra knows Sharaun wanted it, but it's not about wanting it. You have to be real. I'm distracted, again, by how thin Nikeysha is. Sharaun tells us she's not cocky, just confident, and the judges got the wrong impression. Whatever.

Next time: Some girls make out with each other and Hannah may or may not be racist.

ANTM Episode 1: The One With the Bad Special Effects - Part 2

Aaaaand we're back. With Sheena! Yay!! She's apparently half Japanese and half Korean. Her boyfriend is black and she likes "all flavas." You go, Sheena. Sheena looks fierce (and I don't mean that sarcastically) in her red bikini. Sheena, I love you.

Lindsey, 23, is from Mississippi. She's a plus-sized model, apparently, although TyraBot tells her she's a little thin for a plus-sized. My guess is that since Whitney won last cycle, TyraBot will stop her plus-sized rampage.

Brittany R. (right) is up next. She's black and Native American. She thinks she's diverse. OJ thinks BR has gorgeous skin. Color me underwhelmed.

Hannah, apparently, represents "a middle class person." Ok, Hannah. You're boring. Get off my screen.

We see the girls eating broccoli. Kacey makes fun of the way Isis is eating her broccoil. Kacey, you're a bitch. Shut up. I, personally, don't see anything weird about the way Isis is eating, but whatevs.

Hannah was once chased by a moose. TyraBot take the opportunity to teach Hannah how to run fiercely. I just noticed that OJ is wearing something that very closely resembles a lacey tablecloth. Fierce.

Montage! We see some of the 33 acting crazy and TyraBot acting craz. . .ier than usual.

Joslyn, who has an obnoxious voice, has to do a commercial for a towel. It sucks. This is the one who has auditioned 30 times.

Renee, 19, is wearing a short lycra dress over tights to make up an outfit that looks like something I would wear, so I approve. She's from Tennessee and wants people to know that Nashville is a big fashion place.

One of my girlfriends, Elina, comes in in her bathing suit. She has a tattoo across her stomach. Ew. Elina, I may have to move Sheena to your top place. Elina only wears black and tan, because she wants to wear things that aren't gender-specific. Oh, Elina. You're one of those. The "LESBIAN!" light starts blinking.

Oh, ok. She's not a lesbian. She's an equal opportunity lover. So, like that one twin from a few cycles ago. Word. She is a "sexual person who loves who she loves."

We see the girls talking about lesbianism. Elina has had relationships with women. Veronique is astounded. Kacey thinks Elina is weird. Elina thinks, during a really, incredibly awkward conversation, she's got a crush on Clark. Is this going to become another Kim and Sarah from cycle 5? I hope so.

(I feel the need to throw in here that I myself am not a lesbian. I realized how much I'm talking about my girl crushes, but that's just because there aren't any guys on the show to treat as eye candy. I'm just saying. I do like dudes.)

Commercial!

During this commercial break, there's a Pepto Bismol commercial on that showcases a guy in a bubble gum pink sweater vest. My question is, WHY do I not own this sweater vest? Also, there's a commercial about phones (the one with the option of black, white, and fierce green?) Someone texts a question to someone and the answer is, "Yes." I want to know what the question is.

We're back, and the judges are meeting Nikeysha, 19, (right) from New York. TyraBot said Nikeysha flashed the camera while auditioning. Nikeysha flashes the panel again. She throws her fake boobs at them (????) I'm over Nikeysha.

Another Brittany (left) comes in. Brittany S is from Illinois. Her boyfriend is a cage fighter, and she's into martial arts. I think B.S. tries too hard. She's got crazy hair that the judges encourage her to pull away from her face. TyraBot sees a model under all the hair. I see a crazy person.

Susan, 23, is from Michigan and just graduated from Harvard. Her major was English and American Literature and Language. As a fellow English major, I'm thrilled. However, TyraBot asks Susan for her favorite novel heroine and Susan can't think of any. To be fair, she's put on the spot and the whole thing is probably stressful, but really? Make something up. Surely you've read books. Susan, apparently, "didn't pay attention in those classes." Oh, Susan. Also, TyraBot is kind of a snob. I'm just sayin'. Susan looks good in her blue bikini, though. These kids clearly aren't on here because they're geniuses.

Next up is Samantha (right) from California. When she first came in, I thought she was Clark. They're both blondes. Samantha wants to "change the industry" but she doesn't know any models working today. Samantha is also boring. Also, her tan really bothers me for some reason.
Yay! We've reached the end of the interviews!

They're going to whittle the number down to 20, so 13 unfortunates will be auf'd. The Jays are wearing pink shirts that are hurting my face. I know I said I liked the Pepto Bismol sweater vest, but this is another kind of pink entirely. This pink should only be unleashed when one's life is in danger. I wonder if TyraBot considers this shade of pink fierce.

The girls all have to put their hands on a scanner thing to see if their access is granted or denied. Those who are moving on to the next level, so to speak, are Hannah, Brittany R., Lauren, Analeigh, Lindsay, Elina, Kacey, Sheena (Yay!), Isis, Brittany S., Joslyn, Samantha, Marjorie, Susan, Clark, Brittany B., and Nikeysha, who screams and says, "Take me aboard the mothership with these hot aliens!"

Hoo boy.

Renee cries. Also, holy hell, why did they keep all the Brittanys?

OJ, who is looking mighty, mighty orange and who has changed his pants again, says the girls have "five minutes to do your makeup and get into your metallic catsuits." Why this sentence isn't uttered more often, I'm not entirely certain. It's photo shoot time! They're posing with a number of what appears to be those large exercise balls. Samantha is underwhelming and has on weird-looking makeup. Marjorie "looks like a model." I find her annoying as hell. Joslyn, Brittany R., and Analeigh pose. Analeigh is "old school Claudia Schiffer." Hannah, who just looks awkward, reminds us she didn't have electricity or running water growing up. Elina "knows how to use her hands." Kacey doesn't see Isis as competition. Shut up, Kacey! Brittany B. climbs on the scenery.
Kacey keeps talking about how she's going to win and I feel that because of that, she'll be out.

Commercials!

Now, for whatever reason, the Jays are wearing gray plastic trench coats. It's time to evaluate the 20. OJ thinks Analeigh looks like a model. They all mock Nikeysha saying, "Heeeeey!" They make fun of Susan for not knowing about her major. Elina has intimidating eyes. Brittany R. looks multi-racial, Brittany S. has a natural pouty lip, and Brittany B. has energy. Lindsey reminds BJ of last season's Whitney. I'm guessing this is bad? They made fun of how Marjorie moves her hands and OJ says he'd only cast her in European shows. TyraBot thinks Isis has beautiful eyes, but they're concerned about prejudices. Samantha is cute and commercial, which I'm guessing means she'll be put through and get to the final 5 or so, and then they'll cut her for. . .being too commercial. Joslyn is positive. Kacey looks like a Barbie doll. Lauren Brie has a face like an angel. I think Lauren Brie looks frightening. Clark, and I quote, "needs some ugly pretty because right now she's pretty pretty and pretty pretty is ugly ugly." Whatever that means. TyraBot is confused about Hannah. They love Sheena. As do I.

Now, the "elimination download" is complete. So what does this mean? It means that they, again, get to get beamed up fiercely and break a few girls' hearts and dreams.

The first Cycle 11 finalist is. . .Sheena! Whooo! You go, girl! Next are Analeigh, wearing a flowly blue dress I love, Nikeysha, looking anorexic in a pink flowy dress, Marjorie, in a hideous dress, Samantha, Elina, wearing what is actually a fairly fabulous black outfit, Brittany R., and Brittany S., wearing those hideous boot heels.

TyraBot tells us there are 6 names left.

Next up, Brittany B., still holding her damn lucky underwear and Hannah, wearing what appears to be a long shirt.

There are 4 names left.

Yes to Lauren Brie with the ugly eyes, also wearing what appears to be a shirt, and Isis who, I did notice, does have man hands.

There are 2 names left. I'm glad TyraBot thinks I can't count.

Next up, Clark, who, again, seems to be wearing a long shirt.

TyraBot, whose makeup makes her look 17 different kinds of dead, says, "The last name I'm going to call. . .is. . ."

It's Joslyn, the one who tried out 30 times.

I totally called Kacey being outed. She's wearing a weird jacket and pouting.

The girls give TyraBot, who is wearing an outfit that appears to be something Jane Jetson would wear on a night out, sluttin' it up on the street corner, their fiercest pose.

And this is the end of the first episode. Since it was a two-hour premiere, there's another hour to go after this one, but it's technically two episodes. Everyone, stay fierce.

ANTM Episode 1: The One With the Bad Special Effects - Part 1

So here's the first ANTM recap. Episode one. It was two hours long and it almost killed the battery on my laptop.

Let's begin.

Tyra tells us that it's been a "decade" of ANMT, since this is cycle 11, even though the show has only been on since 2003. Last time I checked, a decade was 10 years, not five. In all actuality, ANTM has only been on for a dec.

In "celebration" of the fact that the "show" has been on for a "decade," they're back in L.A. I'd heard that the reason they'd moved the show to New York was because Tyra had a new man. Did that not work out? Did he realize that Tyra's not an actual person but, instead, a fierce cyborg?

Speaking of cyborgs! Apparently, the theme of this season is Cheesetastic "Futuristic" Bad Special Effects. Keep your eye out for these throughout the next two hours, because they run rampant. Fiercely. But more about that later.

We see all 33 semi-finalists on a bus. Hannah, 18, (shown at right) is from Alaska. Hannah says she's "excited" because "Alaska doesn't have freeways. Or people." Hannah is boring.

Sheena, 21, (below) has, according to one of the other 32, an advantage because "she's the only Oriental girl here." Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it un-PC to say Oriental these days? Isn't it "Asian." Well, Oriental, Asian, Potato, Po-tah-to, Sheena is awesome. She'll be Girl Crush #1.

So now we're at this warehouse building and the first of several bad, cheap-looking "special" effects happens. This green lightening bolt runs down said building.

Actually, you know, during this show, there were several times this commercial for cell phones came on and the color options for these phones were black, white, and fierce green. I'm going to assume that the official color of that lightning bolt is fierce green.

And it's THE JAYS! OMG! And they're wearing bad silver and white wigs. Black Jay looks like a Muppet. I'll warn you now that I refuse to call J. Alexander Miss J, since he's not actually a woman, so I'm going to differentiate by calling them OJ (Orange Jay aka Jay Manuel) and BJ (for Black Jay). Maybe it's racist, I'm not sure, but really, it's easier. Although, you know, the initials BJ would probably be appropriate for either one of them, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Onward.

Apparently, the 33 are about to go into the Top Model Institute of Technology. I'm blinded by the Jays' shiny silver jackets and the prevalence of their Man Boobs, or, moobs, if you will.

Veronique, 19, from California says something about it's every girl's dream to be there, but I'm more distracted by her awful, awful teeth.

We get a bunch of crap about how the TMIoT is there to "build better models." Judging from the ANTM winners of the last few cycle, they have quite the job on their hands. OJ scans his hand to get access and it all reminds me of those movies from, you know, the 80's and prior that shows all this high-tech gadgetry but really, you can tell that the buttons were painted with nail polish and you an see the string attached to the parts that "move on their own."

Brittney B., 18, (left) from Chicago is "going to win this." She seems awfully confident. In fact, her confidence is so annoying and so overwhelming, it's almost a relief that. . .oh, wait, I won't give it away yet. Let's just say, schadenfreude was an overwhelming feeling for me come the end of these 2 hours.

Elina, 18, (right) from Seattle is my Girl Crush #2. She's hot, but in an odd sort of way. Also, she's vegan. And I'm going to guess, a lesbian. I'm not being stereotypical - she just has that way about her.

Kacey, 19, from California tells us that she "knows how to have class and be sophisticated." She's not ghetto, which is proven because her name is not LaSheaquitah LaSamitah. Oh my God, you guys, my first child is so going to be named LaSheaquitah LaSamitah. Also, Kacey is annoying.

Veronique is a Mormon. Veronique is boring.

The 33 then have their walks and "pertinent date" "analyzed" "scientifically." Really? All I'm noticing here is that in this scene, OJ looks like a woman.

Isis of the Big Ass Earrings, 22, (left) from Maryland is "interested in anything fashion-related." Maybe someone should tell Isis that those earrings would not be considered fashionable anywhere except maybe. . .no. Never mind. They wouldn't be considered fashionable anywhere.

Clark, 19, (right) from South Carolina is my Girl Crush #3. Except she seems like a total bitch. She feels that when she walks, she intimidates people.

Joslyn, 23, (below) is from Louisiana and has tried out for ANTM 30 times. No, that's not a typo. Not 3 times. 30 times. One would think you'd get a hint after the first. . .10 or so times? I would say that Joslyn is the Susan Lucci of ANTM, but at least La Lucci was nominated for something. Joslyn never even made it to the (hypothetical) awards ceremony. I'm hoping that Joslyn isn't this season's answer to Cycle 9 winner Jaslene, because then I will be sorely disappointed because I hated Jaslene and Joslyn irritates me.

BJ says something about how they're there to build better models and the 33 are supposed to step into the Glaminator 11.0. My first thought is, wow, if version 11.0 looks this ghetto, I'd hate to see the first 10 or so Glaminators. My second thought is how much I love Sheena, because she says, "I was like, they got technology like that?" And my third thought is, wow, I must really be more of a racist than I thought I was, because I immediately noticed that BJ is wearing white shoes and OJ is wearing black shoes, and I thought it was kind of funny.

Oh no! The Glaminator 11.0 is shaking uncontrollably and it has fierce green bolts shooting out of it. The 33 look surprised. I say anyone who didn't know Tyra was going to pop out of this thing right about now deserves to be on this show.

The 33, of course, freak out. One says, "She [Tyra] is really hot. And tall." She's also wearing silver lipstick and her boobs are pushed up to her chin. She's scary, man. Really scary.

Tyra says that the next Top Model needs to be "technologically bankable." Get it? Bankable, Tyra BANKS? Just me? Ok.

Tyra asks the 33, "Can you make money?" My guess is no, not if they're on this show for any extended period of time.

After more crap no one cares about, Tyra says, "Beam us up. . .fiercely." And she and the Jays are "beamed up" while the 33 stand there looking like something actually just happened other than a director saying, "Ok, cut. Now, Tyra, Jays, run away so there's nothing there anymore and you 33 stand there and look surprised. Try to channel the first time you realized that no one in the history of Top Model has ever made a legitimate career as a Top Model. Channel that time that you realized that guy you gave it up to wasn't REALLY going to stay with you forever. Tony, get me a sandwich. Aaaaaand, ACTION!"

Commercial!

Has anyone else noticed that everything Tyler Perry does, he has to put his name in front of? Tyler Perry's House of Payne, Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys, Tyler Perry's Enormous Ego.

And we're back! TyraBot, Alpha Jay and Beta Jay (still known as BJ and OJ) are beamed into the room and ready to meet the 33. OJ is wearing new pants.

First up is Brittany B. who is "hella confident." OJ wants to know who her favorite designer is and BB can't name any. She says that's why she's there, to learn. TyraBot shuts her down pretty quickly. Peace out, BB. It was nice knowing you. She walks in a bikini clutching her lucky underwear. Oh dear God, I hope they're clean. Something is said about her energy. I'm not paying attention, because I'm praying those are clean underpants she's carrying.

Lauren Brie, 20, (right) is up next. She thinks she's "exotic looking." Um, she's blonde with blue eyes. She's boring, but I'm certain she'll at least make it to the next round.

Analeigh, 19, (below) used to be a competitive figure skater. She's cute in a bohemian sort of way and she's wearing a gigantic peace sign around her neck. She actually kind of reminds me of my little sister, who, incidentally, is the coolest chick I know. And, holy shit, you guys! Analeigh was sold to a Saudi prince as a wife, all the while thinking she was being signed to an agency. That's pretty heavy. TyraBot is glad Analeigh is safe.

Here's Clark, the Hot Bitch. She says she's "bonding" with the girls, but she doesn't want people to mistake that as her making friends. Clark (with no "e") tells TyraBot and the Jays that she's the prettiest girl in the competition. She says she has no bodily insecurities. Who here thinks that midway through the season, we have a big Tyra Banks as Oprah moment where we discover she was anorexic for years? OJ is bored by Clark.

Kacey I Hate is back. Her family calls her White Girl. Apparently, she used to have a lot of white friends, but she's not friends with them anymore? Why? Because they didn't understand why she couldn't go swimming. Why couldn't she go swimming? Because, for one, she can't swim, but also because of her hair. TyraBot thinks that's dumb. As do I.

Marjorie (right) is from France. TyraBot speaks something that vaguely sounds like French but I have all ideas is actually just her stomach growling. She's nervous by nature. Everyone loves her. Oh my God, along with her bathing suit, she's wearing those weird boots that are high heels. I hate those. Also, Marjorie is already grating on my nerves, and I think she's really weird-looking. Which probably means she'll win.

Joslyn, who is 23, feels that the other girls are immature, and she feels this way because she's older. It makes me so sad that an age that I'll be leaving behind in a month and a half is "old."

Veronique talks about being Mormon and how her parents put her on lockdown when she was 16 because she was having sex.

Next up is Isis of the Large Earrings, who has drawn a picture for TyraBot. As you do. She was a background model in a shoot from cycle 10. She was also born male. There's some discussion about whether she's pre- or post-op (she's pre-op, but would have the surgery immediately if she could.) Tyra steps up onto a soapbox. I guess Isis is this cycle's cause. I can't decide how I feel about Isis. She does, in fact, look masculine, but then again, so does Jaslene, and she won. I don't see Isis winning, though, because although Seventeen Magazine would have a field day with that story, I can't see Cover Girl hiring anything other than a squeaky clean Girl Next Door for a spokesperson.

The girls are shown sitting around, discussing boobs. Specifically, Isis' boobs, or lack thereof. Isis tells them she's not technically entirely a she, and everyone is a little weirded out. . .except for Awesome Sheena. She says the best person with the best spirit will win. Clark says she's going to "stomp that man right out of the competition." Clark is kind of a bitch. I would guess that we'll have an Isis v. Clark girl fight before the 6th episode.

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Part 2 to follow.

Feels like you're making a mess. You're hell on wheels in a black dress.

After a wonderful, wonderful 9-ish hours of sleep, I'm back. Back to what I do best. Writing about myself and the things in life I contemplate to within an inch of their lives.

Really, though, I feel it takes a real narcissist to blog as much as I do. All it is is me sitting here saying, "Hey, I feel that people actually care what I think about things and what happens to me during the minute moments of my life.

But then that narcissism is validated when people like my cousin say, "I'm always so excited when I see that you've updated!" and people I don't even know (Hi, chocolatebooks!) say that they read what I write, and even encourage me to write America's Next Top Model recaps. It's exciting, really. I mean, if I could get a job doing this, just writing my opinions and thoughts on things, I'd be one happy girl. Seriously.

But I do wonder if excessive blogging is a sign of rampant narcissism. If you think about it, though, all writers are narcissists. They just expect that people will want to read what they have to say.

I think the conclusion I can come to here is that all writers and bloggers are actually either mentally ill or have severe personality disorders. I'm OK with that.

Moving on.

Yesterday, I went into work and our photographer was there with his daughter, Kelly. Something you should understand about me is that I pretty much can't stand children. Every now and again, there'll be a cute kid that'll break through that particular Veneer of Hatred, but in general, I don't like them.

Actually, no. To be fair, it's probably the kids' parents I can't stand because they're the ones that allow their children to behave like demonic brats in public.

Anyway, Kelly is a kid that I happen to love. I don't see her very often, but when I do, I'm always amazed at how much older than 4 she seems. She's really smart and creative and all those adjectives that people generally attach to their own children. It just so happens that I met a kid who I like.

A few weeks ago, she and I were drawing, and I drew a castle. I learned how to draw castles when I was 5 and in daycare during the summer. I was in a My Little Pony phase at that point, and this girl that I hung out with most at daycare, Brandy, who I remember having a rather unfortunate mullet, taught me how to draw Pony Castles, complete with dragon in the moat. Since then, I've drawn them the exact same way, which explains why when I draw them, it looks like a 5-year-old drew them. My drawing skills are sadly lacking:


Note the happy dragon.

Yesterday, I was working, and Kelly comes up to me and says, "Liz! I drew you a picture!" And this is what it was:
How freakishly cute is that? She did ask me to "draw the water," but the rest of it is all Kelly B. It made me happy that she'd remembered the castle and I was also immensely impressed that she'd replicated it. The kid's kind of amazing. If I ever have a kid (which is a slight, slight chance indeed), I hope the kid turns out like her.

Oh, and before I go, I just thought of something else funny and kid-related (since I'm on the subject) that happened yesterday.

I was in Chuck's (the sports editor) office and Kelly and Dennis (our photographer) were in there, too. Dennis and Chuck have this. . .odd relationship. They're friends, but they have this banter that allows them to insult each other? It's hard to explain, but I have, on more than one occasion, asked them if they were going to divorce when they were having a disagreement.

I don't remember the line of conversation, but it led to Dennis saying that Chuck "Knew (Chuck) was his bitch." Except Kelly was in there, so he said, "Yeah, he knows he's my B-I-T-C-H." For some reason, that struck me as really, really funny, because I'm not used to being around kids all the time and needing to spell things. It was cute. I have a feeling, though, as smart as Kelly is, she's going to be able to figure out what people are spelling relatively soon.

So I still need to mention the Biltmore trip and maybe I'll go into job-related things, but they're kind of depressing, so maybe I'll not do that. I'll also try to write my ANTM recap tonight.