ANTM Episode 1: The One With the Bad Special Effects - Part 2

Aaaaand we're back. With Sheena! Yay!! She's apparently half Japanese and half Korean. Her boyfriend is black and she likes "all flavas." You go, Sheena. Sheena looks fierce (and I don't mean that sarcastically) in her red bikini. Sheena, I love you.

Lindsey, 23, is from Mississippi. She's a plus-sized model, apparently, although TyraBot tells her she's a little thin for a plus-sized. My guess is that since Whitney won last cycle, TyraBot will stop her plus-sized rampage.

Brittany R. (right) is up next. She's black and Native American. She thinks she's diverse. OJ thinks BR has gorgeous skin. Color me underwhelmed.

Hannah, apparently, represents "a middle class person." Ok, Hannah. You're boring. Get off my screen.

We see the girls eating broccoli. Kacey makes fun of the way Isis is eating her broccoil. Kacey, you're a bitch. Shut up. I, personally, don't see anything weird about the way Isis is eating, but whatevs.

Hannah was once chased by a moose. TyraBot take the opportunity to teach Hannah how to run fiercely. I just noticed that OJ is wearing something that very closely resembles a lacey tablecloth. Fierce.

Montage! We see some of the 33 acting crazy and TyraBot acting craz. . .ier than usual.

Joslyn, who has an obnoxious voice, has to do a commercial for a towel. It sucks. This is the one who has auditioned 30 times.

Renee, 19, is wearing a short lycra dress over tights to make up an outfit that looks like something I would wear, so I approve. She's from Tennessee and wants people to know that Nashville is a big fashion place.

One of my girlfriends, Elina, comes in in her bathing suit. She has a tattoo across her stomach. Ew. Elina, I may have to move Sheena to your top place. Elina only wears black and tan, because she wants to wear things that aren't gender-specific. Oh, Elina. You're one of those. The "LESBIAN!" light starts blinking.

Oh, ok. She's not a lesbian. She's an equal opportunity lover. So, like that one twin from a few cycles ago. Word. She is a "sexual person who loves who she loves."

We see the girls talking about lesbianism. Elina has had relationships with women. Veronique is astounded. Kacey thinks Elina is weird. Elina thinks, during a really, incredibly awkward conversation, she's got a crush on Clark. Is this going to become another Kim and Sarah from cycle 5? I hope so.

(I feel the need to throw in here that I myself am not a lesbian. I realized how much I'm talking about my girl crushes, but that's just because there aren't any guys on the show to treat as eye candy. I'm just saying. I do like dudes.)

Commercial!

During this commercial break, there's a Pepto Bismol commercial on that showcases a guy in a bubble gum pink sweater vest. My question is, WHY do I not own this sweater vest? Also, there's a commercial about phones (the one with the option of black, white, and fierce green?) Someone texts a question to someone and the answer is, "Yes." I want to know what the question is.

We're back, and the judges are meeting Nikeysha, 19, (right) from New York. TyraBot said Nikeysha flashed the camera while auditioning. Nikeysha flashes the panel again. She throws her fake boobs at them (????) I'm over Nikeysha.

Another Brittany (left) comes in. Brittany S is from Illinois. Her boyfriend is a cage fighter, and she's into martial arts. I think B.S. tries too hard. She's got crazy hair that the judges encourage her to pull away from her face. TyraBot sees a model under all the hair. I see a crazy person.

Susan, 23, is from Michigan and just graduated from Harvard. Her major was English and American Literature and Language. As a fellow English major, I'm thrilled. However, TyraBot asks Susan for her favorite novel heroine and Susan can't think of any. To be fair, she's put on the spot and the whole thing is probably stressful, but really? Make something up. Surely you've read books. Susan, apparently, "didn't pay attention in those classes." Oh, Susan. Also, TyraBot is kind of a snob. I'm just sayin'. Susan looks good in her blue bikini, though. These kids clearly aren't on here because they're geniuses.

Next up is Samantha (right) from California. When she first came in, I thought she was Clark. They're both blondes. Samantha wants to "change the industry" but she doesn't know any models working today. Samantha is also boring. Also, her tan really bothers me for some reason.
Yay! We've reached the end of the interviews!

They're going to whittle the number down to 20, so 13 unfortunates will be auf'd. The Jays are wearing pink shirts that are hurting my face. I know I said I liked the Pepto Bismol sweater vest, but this is another kind of pink entirely. This pink should only be unleashed when one's life is in danger. I wonder if TyraBot considers this shade of pink fierce.

The girls all have to put their hands on a scanner thing to see if their access is granted or denied. Those who are moving on to the next level, so to speak, are Hannah, Brittany R., Lauren, Analeigh, Lindsay, Elina, Kacey, Sheena (Yay!), Isis, Brittany S., Joslyn, Samantha, Marjorie, Susan, Clark, Brittany B., and Nikeysha, who screams and says, "Take me aboard the mothership with these hot aliens!"

Hoo boy.

Renee cries. Also, holy hell, why did they keep all the Brittanys?

OJ, who is looking mighty, mighty orange and who has changed his pants again, says the girls have "five minutes to do your makeup and get into your metallic catsuits." Why this sentence isn't uttered more often, I'm not entirely certain. It's photo shoot time! They're posing with a number of what appears to be those large exercise balls. Samantha is underwhelming and has on weird-looking makeup. Marjorie "looks like a model." I find her annoying as hell. Joslyn, Brittany R., and Analeigh pose. Analeigh is "old school Claudia Schiffer." Hannah, who just looks awkward, reminds us she didn't have electricity or running water growing up. Elina "knows how to use her hands." Kacey doesn't see Isis as competition. Shut up, Kacey! Brittany B. climbs on the scenery.
Kacey keeps talking about how she's going to win and I feel that because of that, she'll be out.

Commercials!

Now, for whatever reason, the Jays are wearing gray plastic trench coats. It's time to evaluate the 20. OJ thinks Analeigh looks like a model. They all mock Nikeysha saying, "Heeeeey!" They make fun of Susan for not knowing about her major. Elina has intimidating eyes. Brittany R. looks multi-racial, Brittany S. has a natural pouty lip, and Brittany B. has energy. Lindsey reminds BJ of last season's Whitney. I'm guessing this is bad? They made fun of how Marjorie moves her hands and OJ says he'd only cast her in European shows. TyraBot thinks Isis has beautiful eyes, but they're concerned about prejudices. Samantha is cute and commercial, which I'm guessing means she'll be put through and get to the final 5 or so, and then they'll cut her for. . .being too commercial. Joslyn is positive. Kacey looks like a Barbie doll. Lauren Brie has a face like an angel. I think Lauren Brie looks frightening. Clark, and I quote, "needs some ugly pretty because right now she's pretty pretty and pretty pretty is ugly ugly." Whatever that means. TyraBot is confused about Hannah. They love Sheena. As do I.

Now, the "elimination download" is complete. So what does this mean? It means that they, again, get to get beamed up fiercely and break a few girls' hearts and dreams.

The first Cycle 11 finalist is. . .Sheena! Whooo! You go, girl! Next are Analeigh, wearing a flowly blue dress I love, Nikeysha, looking anorexic in a pink flowy dress, Marjorie, in a hideous dress, Samantha, Elina, wearing what is actually a fairly fabulous black outfit, Brittany R., and Brittany S., wearing those hideous boot heels.

TyraBot tells us there are 6 names left.

Next up, Brittany B., still holding her damn lucky underwear and Hannah, wearing what appears to be a long shirt.

There are 4 names left.

Yes to Lauren Brie with the ugly eyes, also wearing what appears to be a shirt, and Isis who, I did notice, does have man hands.

There are 2 names left. I'm glad TyraBot thinks I can't count.

Next up, Clark, who, again, seems to be wearing a long shirt.

TyraBot, whose makeup makes her look 17 different kinds of dead, says, "The last name I'm going to call. . .is. . ."

It's Joslyn, the one who tried out 30 times.

I totally called Kacey being outed. She's wearing a weird jacket and pouting.

The girls give TyraBot, who is wearing an outfit that appears to be something Jane Jetson would wear on a night out, sluttin' it up on the street corner, their fiercest pose.

And this is the end of the first episode. Since it was a two-hour premiere, there's another hour to go after this one, but it's technically two episodes. Everyone, stay fierce.