We're going down, down in an earlier round, and Sugar, we're going down swinging. . .

Today was an eye-opening day.  

I was going to go into extreme detail here, but I've decided not to.  The long and the short of it is, I'm in for, not exaggeration, one of the biggest fights of my life.  I don't know how it's going to end, but the stakes?  They're high.  I'm. . .vaguely concerned that my job could be at stake here, but if it works, even if my job is some of the collateral damage here, it'll be worth it.  Entirely worth it.

What I have done this evening, in essence, is set into motion something that may or may not get me to my ultimate goal.  It's also entirely possible it will get me. . .sent to the poverty line, but sometimes in life, you have to decide what is and is not worth the risk.  And this particular cause, I feel very strongly about.

I've been fighting with God a lot recently.  That sounds kind of weird, but I've had a lot of really weird/bad/frightening/worrisome things happening to me recently, and I just wanted to know why.

Most people who know me think that I don't believe in God.  That's actually not true at all.  I believe very much that God, in some form or another, is there.  It's the whole Jesus thing I don't really buy.  I guess I am, in essence, kind of Jewish.  I've said that before.  I have a very real fear of God, in whatever form he's in.  What I don't believe in is the whole construction of God that Christianity has made.  It doesn't make sense to me.

What I'm saying here is that I believe in. . .something.  I also believe that when we die, we aren't necessarily just dead and gone.  I feel like there's something left behind.  It's that particular belief that keeps me from feeling like I'm crazy when I talk to my aunt, who died in 2006.  

That has a legit correlation with what I was talking about, because my point is that talking to God, to me, is like talking to my aunt.  I have no real proof that God's there or that any part of my aunt is there, but I still feel like someone's listening to me when I'm talking.

OK.  Upon looking back on this, I may sound like I've lost a couple of my marbles, and that nothing I'm saying has to do with anything.  Aside from an insight into my beliefs, religious and otherwise, I'm going to say that if you're the praying kind, I could use it in the next couple of days.  One of the most important people in my life needs it, too.  I am legitimately afraid I could become unemployed by this time next week, and if you're not the praying kind, just think about me occasionally, OK?  Also my person.  He definitely needs it, and I could potentially need it.

I'm scared, but I'm ready to take whatever consequences might come from my actions.

Thanks, guys.  Sorry I haven't made a lot of sense.