It felt so wrong, it felt so right (don't mean I'm in love tonight. . .)

Been a few days.  I've been. . .monstrously busy at work, and then I get home and I think to myself, "Self, you should blog."  And Self says to me, "But Sarah, wouldn't it make more sense to have a glass of wine and watch Friends?"  And then I realize how practical I am.

But really and truly, I've been working really hard.  And I've also been going to the gym!  Which, you know, is kind of an uphill battle for me.  I'm always glad I went when I go, but it's the getting there part that's so tough.  I went both Monday and Wednesday, and if I go tomorrow, I can make it into kind of a 3-4 times a week thing, and that'll be good.  (I say 3-4 because I can go on a weekend day, too.  I just won't be doing it Saturday because I have plans for. . .most of the day.)

Saturday, Carol and I are going to go to the Biltmore and drink.  They have a winery there, and she and I both have passes, so we're not actually paying anything.  It's a win-win-(win), in all actuality.  Then there's this poetry reading thing at a bookstore in Asheville that I put in the calendar that seemed like it could be interesting, so I'm going to go to that.

Then Sunday, I'll probably put in a few hours at work (so this Monday isn't like last Monday), and then either go to the party one of the guys at work is having for the Super Bowl or go to Carrie and Frank's church for what sounds like an ungodly amount of chicken wings.  We'll see.  I think everything'll depend on what time things start.

It was. . .brought to my attention today that I'm becoming one of those friends that pop up in your buddy list, and you hope they don't talk to you.  (No, it wasn't actually said like that.  Because that would be horrible.)  But I realize that there are certain problems that certain people get to hear about.  You know, like, one person is the "oh my God, I have no money" friend, and one person is the "relationship issues" friend, and one person is the friend with whom I only discuss superficial things and one person gets all of my family drama. . .that kind of thing.  I do have a couple instances where those things overlap, and a person or two gets more than one,  but I feel like I'm subconsciously doing that so I don't overload any one person with everything so it doesn't happen that they don't like me anymore.  It also prevents people from getting too close, you know?  Because. . .well, that's just how I am.

So!  I'm going to go back to zero.  It's entirely possible that problems are better left unsaid, and that if I want to bitch about something, I should. . .actually, I don't know.  I'd say "blog about it," but I don't want this to become "Oh, Sarah has woes!" any more than it already has.  Maybe I'll go back to the livejournal and put them all on "for my eyes only" or whatever that category is called.  I think that's actually what I'm going to do.  That way, I get the writing about it out, and people don't have to listen to me.  Again, win-win(win).

I don't know if anyone's seen the movie "Proof," but it's based on a play that I've decided to try out for.  There are two female characters, and I'd love to get either one.  Obviously, I want to lead (who wouldn't?), but I'd like the part of the sister, too.  She has a similar personality type to me, and she has fewer lines, which would say possibly that work wouldn't get SO much in the way.  We'll see.  I know better than to go into it saying, "Oh, yeah.  I'm a shoe-in.  I'm SO going to get either parts."  We have a lot of talent around here and the shows at this theatre are usually really good.  But we'll see.

This week's issue of my publication is going to be centered around Girl Scout cookies, which I think has the potential for some really cool centerspread art.  Although, come to think of it, maybe I shouldn't go to Super Bowl parties and. . .no.  I'm going to cut myself off there mid-sentence.  I am limiting myself to three hours on Sunday.  That's it.  I'll go in 1-ish, leave 4-ish, and be done with it.  Last weekend, when I didn't go in at all, aside from causing a minor meltdown Monday, it was wonderful.  I'd forgotten what weekends were like.  They're there for a reason, which is to prevent you from burning out, which I feel I am dangerously close to doing.  Maybe I'll take a personal day next week.

Actually, that sounds like a really good idea.  I won't have taken any in January.  I have 5 personal and 10 vacation days, so that's 15 (obviously).  Maybe I just need a real day off.  And maybe I'll take one.  That's what they're there for, right?

Going to go attempt to sleep.  I'd slept for, like, 3 nights in a row without any help, and then I had a night of tossing and turning, so I started with the PM pills again.  I got home too late to take them this evening (I got home at 11:30 after a basketball game with Carrie and then a few minutes hanging out at her house) and since the pills take about an hour to kick in for me and you're supposed to get 8 hours or so of sleep after taking them, I don't like to take them too late.

Also, they've been giving me really weird, really scary dreams.  So I'm thinking it's time to lay off of them anyway.

I've got my things, I'm good to go. You met me at the terminal. Just one more plane ride and it's done.

So I made it to South Carolina. I didn't initially think that it was going to be able to come, because I'm having some ridiculous car problems with my ridiculous car. It's going to cost me no less than at least 200 bucks to fix. I hate how expensive cars are. Especially cars more than 10 years old.

I decided to go by the library on the way out and pick up some audio books. Now that I've experienced traveling with audio books, I don't think I'll ever go a long distance without them. It kept me awake and I feel like something was accomplished (i.e., I read a book).

One of the audiobooks I picked up was He's Just Not That Into You. Now, I had checked this out of the library a while back and had read the first page or so and hated it. I don't remember specifically why I hated it so much, but I think it had something to do with the relationship situation I was in at the time and how I hated how what it was saying to me was contrary to everything I was doing at the moment in my personal life.

So I listened to the entire book for the first part of my trip and. . .I was kind of captivated. Granted, some of it wasn't altogether. . .nice. But the guy didn't say anything that wasn't entirely true. It was stuff like, don't date married men because every woman deserves to have a guy's full attention, don't overlook the fact that he says he'll call you at a specific time and then doesn't, because that just shows that he's always going to be more concerned with his time than with yours, don't waste your time with guys who give excuses as to why they can't spend more time with you. The guy was saying something like, if he really likes you, he'll find ways to call you/be with you/be the only guy in your life, etc.

I hate, hate HATE to say that a lot of the things he said never to get involved with, I've been involved with. Recently. And he said something about not settling. Which I do. Because, really and truly? Guys don't like me. No, that's not true. Guys love me. They think I'm fun and funny and they like hanging out with me. . .but they'll cancel plans to hang out with me in order to see some girl they're actually interested in. In, you know, the friend girl. So when I find a guy who's interested, I tend to be like Yes! Finally!! And I'll overlook all the crap that no normal person would overlook ever.

But, and I'm not even exaggerating, this book has changed my perception of a lot of things. I'm hoping that the next time some guy's interested, all this doesn't go out the window, but it kind of put it all in perspective.

Next: weddings and babies.

OK. Babies can be cute. Not when they're first born, but by the time they get to the three, four, five month old stage, they're cute to look at, I guess, and maybe play with. But once they start screaming/needing diaper changes/taking over every aspect of your LIFE, they're not so cute anymore.

Weddings. Occasionally, parts of them are fun. Getting all done up and eating cake are two things that I happen to enjoy.

My question, though, is why is it that every single person I spend any amount of time with is fixated on either or both?

I know that my job, as a girlfriend, is to coo over babies and to be excited about weddings but honestly? I'm just not that into them. Especially the idea of a permanent child in my life. And that's my prerogative, you know? I'm allowed to not like kids that much right now and to not want to jump into a wedding dress next week. It seems to me that a lot of people today are totally against the thought that maybe there's someone out there that doesn't

Maybe one of these days I'll change my mind. Maybe today, my friend and I will go visit Savannah and I'll meet the Georgie Peach of my dreams, and we'll have a whirlwind courtship and be married by the fall.

Maybe after GP and I get married in October, I'll be knocked up by spring and popping out babies by my first anniversary.

But I seriously doubt it.

I'm sure that this is going to get me ex-communicated from Girldom, but I just wish, sometimes, people would take into consideration that they're talking to someone who is single, will probably be single for a while, and who is surrounded by not-single people making all these plans that, honestly? I think most of us are too young for. And much as I'm fine with being on my own (hell, I'm finding out more and more recently that it lets me do. . .pretty much whatever I want without having to take anyone else's perspective into consideration. I could move to Montana if I wanted to.) I also don't like being reminded of it on a continual basis.

It's like. . .I'm diabetic, right? I'm OK with that. I've accepted that. But I don't want to sit around and talk about it. It's an aspect of my life that's there, it's not going to change any time soon, but I don't really want to discuss it.

I guess my point is, I love my friends, but I wish that there were other things they were all so interested in talking about right now. Because I can't connect. When it comes to weddings and wanting children, I don't understand the conversation, because I'm not planning a wedding and I'm not looking to spend nine months carrying something around that, after those nine months, I have to take care of fully for a few years and then deal with for the rest of my life.

Am I horrible? I feel like maybe I am, but then again, it's how I feel about the situation.

I feel like this has been a negative entry. Let's throw in some positive.

Oh my God, I ate at Applebees last night and we passed a Target. I got more excited than I should have. My town really, really needs to step it up a couple notches. It was amazing.

And we really are going to Savannah today, and I'm pretty excited about that. I didn't realize how close to Georgia this place is. I'm 8 miles outside of Georgia.

Next is on MTV right now, and if you've never seen it, you need to. It's an awful show, but you'll start watching it during a marathon and, three hours later, finally peel yourself away.

So what? I'm still a rock star. I got my rock moves. And I don't need you.

I went out last night with CousinCasey and Amanda. I hadn't been out with anyone except McHotpants in quite a while, so it was nice to have Girl Time. I don't, as a general rule, like girls all that much, but sometimes, boys are kind of lame.

So after a couple glasses of wine, we began toasting. Amanda's toast was "Here's to me no longer being married to a complete shit." (She'd had mediation that day.) I don't remember CousinCasey's toast. But mine was, "Here's to realizing who is worth your time and who is not."

The more I thought about that (and I thought about it through a lot of today), the more I realized that I have a problem. My problem is, throughout the years, I've had friends and various others in my life that aren't good for me. I don't mean necessarily that it was the occasional thing that just got on my nerves because, let's face it - we all get on someone's nerves at some given time during any relationship. I know that I get on my friends' nerves occasionally just like they get on my nerves occasionally. It happens. You can't like someone all the time.

But my thing is, I get involved, in whatever capacity, with people who can be just kind of. . .bad for me. It's kind of hard to explain.

The problem lies in the fact that I'm willing, a lot of the time, to overlook it because I'm fond of the person, or the person that they used to be. I KNOW I need to disassociate myself, but I'm not willing to do it.

Am I even making sense?

I'll use, as an example, my long-term high school boyfriend. I dated him, collectively, for a year and a half. We were one of those on-again, off-again couples. It was obvious to everyone that we weren't a good match, for various reasons. I knew it. There were several things about him and about our relationship that I knew were bad and that I knew pointed to the fact that he wasn't someone I needed in my life. Despite the fact that I was aware of this, I kept him around.

My question is, why do I do this? I cling to these relationships that are no good for me, whether because they're just plain dysfunctional, whether the person just doesn't treat me well, or whatever.

Point being, I'm trying not to hold onto things that aren't good for me. But it's hard.

In other news, my job has become frustrating almost to the point I can't breathe. I wake up every day and hit the snooze until the last possible minute that I won't be late to work.

This entire entry was a waste of space.