I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it. So say, what are you waiting for?

(The date on this says I published it Friday. This is false. Today is Sunday, Sept. 21.)

I apologize profusely for the lack of action this blog has seen in the last week or so. I also apologize with profusion for the fact that I have not yet put up ANTM from two weeks ago. What you have to understand is that my job wears me down so completely, by the time I get home at night, I WANT to write and I WANT to recap, but the soul has been sucked out of me so completely, I usually end up just doing not a whole lot of anything. I talk to people on AIM and I sometimes go over to Carrie's and I play a lot of Snood. If you have never played Snood, I recommend that you do not start if you don't want to be sucked in completely and utterly. It's a game that you start playing and think, ok, I'll play two rounds. Six hours later, you're still sitting there, aiming to beat your high score, and wondering why you're so hungry. Seriously. Don't do it.

So freakishly much has happened since I last posted my thoughts on life, love, and everything in between. I'll try to remember it all, but it's entirely possible that something will be left out. I think you'll be ok with it, though, because if you don't know what's been happening, you also won't know that I didn't mention it.

Let's see. I had this whole grand scheme to get the hell out of this job. I was going to wait until the beginning of October, give my notice, and move back to Raleigh at the beginning of November. I had everything planned out, right down to which day was going to be my last day (the 30th. My birthday. Happy Birthday to me!!) I was going to go back to the temp agency and maybe live with my father until something else came up.

But then. . .I don't know. I started to really resent the fact that I was going to be moving away from a place I really, really love just because of a crap job. (Well, a crap job and the fact that I need to move to a different apartment so I won't be living so close to the one person in the county that would probably take a hit out on me if she could, but that's another story entirely and neither here nor there. It's 99% the job, 1% the woman who hates me.) So I started thinking, ok, I'll just look for another job in the county. There's a martini bar opening not too far from where I work now, and I was going to apply for a part-time job there (since my job, aside from being soul-sucking and self-esteem killing, pays crap pay), and I thought, well, I could probably work there full-time if I had to. But then I thought, really, how much would you make working in a martini bar? Not much, I would imagine. Cool as it may be, I do have rent and 9,000 other bills to pay. So that was kind of out.

The decision that I came to, I actually reached Friday when I went to Asheville to visit Carol. Now. . .Carol is most definitely in my Top 5 Favorite People. (Don't ask me who the other 4 are, because that would be incredibly awkward if you weren't on that list. Anyone who asks, I'm going to tell them that they are. And I don't like lying, so don't put me in that position.) She's just really cool, and I was sad when she left the paper. She, incidentally, got a job at a place I had applied back in February. She tells me that the person who got the job for which I applied was actually a friend of someone in that department. Bitch.

Anyway, Carol and I went into downtown, and there's just such an energy there. The town in which I live seems to have an inordinate number of old people and couples. It's a settling town, really. Asheville is. . .I have to live there. That's all there is to it. And so now all of my energies are focused into finding a job in Asheville or a job close enough to Asheville to allow me to live there and commute. I'm making it my goal to be there within the next 6 months. Now that means that if I have to wait until the end of that 6 months, I will have been at this job for about a year and a half, and that thought makes me die a little on the inside, but I guess you have to do what you have to do. I even remember telling Carrie months ago that the next time I moved, it would be to Asheville. And now it's time to make that happen.

So work. A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks (A LOT), and I'm trying to get the stuff down that is of note.

First of all, a while ago, Vi sat me down, told me my work proficiency was down, and asked if I wasn't happy there. I told her straight up, no, I'm not. I didn't go so far as to say I hate it there and, on a regular basis, it's a struggle getting out of bed, knowing what I'm going to have to go into, but that feeling is there as well. So she gave me this whole big spiel about, well, if I don't have people here who are happy to work here, I'll just get new people to work here.

I should note here that Carol left. . .3 months ago? And the person who has been hired to fill her position will be starting Monday. Vi has technically hired two other people to take that position, but both of them have backed out last minute. All I'm saying here is that if they fired everyone who bitched about their job on a continual basis, that would be. . .two out of two reporters, maybe the photographer, me, and Carrie. So that's. . .at least 4 people, maybe 5. If it took them 3 months to fill one position, I'd love to see them fill 5.

Vi seems to think that with the newspaper industry being in as much trouble, financially, as it is, and so many people being laid off from the industry, people should be jumping at the jobs the paper is offering. However, my question would be, why would you jump to get a job in an industry from which you'd just been let go? Especially considering how poorly paid we all are. (If you're interested, managers at Wal-Mart make more money than I do. I'm just sayin'.) The fact of the matter is, though, the paper offers crap pay. and they're expecting someone with experience. Personally, if I had X-number of years of experience, I would look for somewhere that offered. . .more pay that I'm making now. Why would I want to take a step backward? (Answer: I wouldn't.)

Cut to Friday. It was about five after 9, and I was, truth be told, still in bed, trying to talk myself into going into work, so I could get everything finished, so I didn't have to go in over the weekend. (Which, incidentally, I didn't have to do, and it was amazing. It's funny how much happier I am when I'm not at work. This was like the best weekend ever. Seriously.) So the phone rings, and I see it's Vi, and I. . .said a few words that weren't very lady-like, but I still answered the phone, because I thought there was a small chance she'd tell me that there was toxic gas poisoning in the building and I wouldn't have to go in that day. (Which would have actually negated my whole plan of not going in over the weekend, but give me a break. I was grasping at straws.) She was calling to make sure I was going to be there at 9:30, because the general manager was going to hold a meeting. "Great," thinks I. I had a sense of impending doom and dread. I did, however, take a really fast shower and get to work ASAP.

We're all sitting around the newsroom, waiting for GM to come in, all wondering exactly what it is he's going to say. He comes in and starts giving us this big spiel about how, the industry being the way it is, we have to make some cuts, make some changes. . .and they're firing McHotpants.

Don't worry, I found out later that he'd been told the day before, so it's not like he was finding this out at the meeting, but we were all just kind of like, ". . . . ."

THEN, abut 15 minutes after the meeting ended, I find out that Allison has quit. Just up and quit. The theory is that she quit before she was fired, but still. Yes, this does mean that I no longer will have to share my birthday with anyone, since we have the same birthday, but I liked Allison.

Within 30 minutes of people finding out she'd quit, they had everything taken off of her desk and off of the walls in her office and boxed up. Within three hours, her computer was downstairs.

Now, I'm not going to lie. . .I stole her desk chair. But really, the other woman who uses that office only works part-time, and she's downstairs most of the time she's there, so I don't think anyone's going to begrudge me a comfy desk chair. I really wanted Allison's office, but I know that Vi wants someone out there to look like a receptionist and greet creepy folks when they come upstairs. And to have Letters to the Editor thrown at their faces.

So what else?

Oh, I have to share a new thing I love. It's a kind of apple juice, brand name being Simply Apple. They also have Simply Orange, Simply Lime, and Simply Grapefruit. However, Simply Apple is what I imagine they serve to kings and heads of state during breakfast. I know a lot of people aren't too fond of apple juice because it sometimes has kind of a bitter taste to it or whatever, but there is nothing bitter about this stuff at all. It's like Cinderella and her bitter step-sisters. It's a little more expensive, but you really do get what you pay for. Ingles usually sells it for 3 bucks a bottle. And the Ingles near my house is ALWAYS out. I had to go one town over today to get some. But if you've never tried, you need to. It will change your life, guaranteed. Plus, the bottle is kind of awesome.

I went to a new church today. I'd been there a couple weeks ago, writing a story about the many missions and outreach programs they do, and it seemed like the kind of place I wouldn't mind sitting in while being told I was going to hell, so I decided to give it a shot. I told Carrie I was going, and she offered to come with me.

Now. . .if you know me, you're fully aware of my feelings toward church in general. But the pastor gave this sermon today about aging (which was really more relevant to the old people in the service. . .apparently, of the three services the church offers, we went to the "traditional" one today. There are three services, and the third one is the one with all the pomp and circumstance. They also hold a "people in their 20s and 30s Sunday school class" at 11, so next week, I think I'll try a "contemporary" service and then go to the Sunday school. Because, if nothing else, while I'm trying to figure out where I stand on all things religious, I may as well meet people my own age, you know? I really did like it, though. And they have a lot going on there, which I think is a good sign for a church. Especially a church that had 1,003 people in attendance last week. It's a huge church.

I know what you're all thinking. "Liz, it's been ages since you said anything interesting about the men in your life. What gives?"

Well, dear readers, I do have an update of. . .sorts on my lacking love life. It's not so much an update as a "So you know," but I'll share regardless.

So there's this boy. I've known him for. . .a few months now, I guess, and my view of him is ever so slightly complicated. See, when I met him, I was waist-deep in the floods of. . .ok, I have to cut myself off here and tell this story. I was looking for something clever to call my Ex, without actually referring to him by name, because I don't want to be, you know, sued for libel or slander or something. So I Googled and subsequently Wikipediaed his name, trying to look for a clever derivative of his name, and I found that his name is the name of a town or city in the following states: Georgia, Kansas, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Mississippi, New Jersey, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Dakota, Texas, Utah, South Dakota, West Virginia, Washington, and India. He was also a hurricane. So now I have several things from which to choose a name, and this is truly how my mind works, people, and how I get off subject so easily. Because right now, I want to go Google my first name and see if I have any towns or cities with my name. . .

. . .and I do not. Sad.

ANYway. When I first met this guy, I was madly in the throes of. . .whatever with my yet-to-be-named ex, and while I noticed him, I didn't really think anything of it, seeing as to how I had a "relationship" of my own at that point and wasn't looking beyond that.

Ok, I have to cut myself off again, because I made this observation earlier today. Last time I was in a "relationship," I was in it full-force. It was a "lose yourself" kind of relationship, and I find that there were a lot of things I was willing to sacrifice and postpone and put up with just so I could stay with him. This, ladies and gentlemen, is not a good idea. Ever. Don't ever lose yourself for someone else, because once it ends (which, usually, it will if you're my age or have the proclivity to get involved in relationships that are dysfunctional. Or both.) you don't know what to do yourself. You throw yourself into angry music like Breaking Benjamin's "Breath" and Pink's "So What" and look deep within yourself, wondering what you could have possibly done to make it work. And you feel like you'll never move past it.

But you know what? You will. Just don't lose yourself. If I had any advice to give in regards to relationships, that'd be it. Don't sacrifice what you want and what you need and what you feel you deserve just because they're on a different path than you. It's just never a good idea.

Back to The Boy.

So I'd noticed him, but hadn't thought much of it. Looking back, I realize now that he caught my attention the first time I met him because he was so jazzed about everything, and it's kind of cute. Every time he'd see me, he'd say, "Hi, Liz!" (I still can't get used to referring to myself in the third person by a different name. Maybe I should go back to my real name. But then I'd have to rename the entire blog. Bah.) And I LOVE that he addresses me by name when he says hi to me.

It's the exact opposite of what might be my biggest pet peeve ever. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but if I'm fighting with someone, and they say my name in the middle of an angry sentence (For example, "What I'm saying, Elizabeth, is that you shouldn't have kicked me in the teeth.") it makes my blood boil. I don't know why, but that's just how it is. Several people know about this, and I can tell my real friends by the fact that, if they know I hate it, they don't do it, even if they're fighting with me. After I told my ex how much that bothered me, it felt like he'd do it every time we fought.

Anyway, The Boy does the opposite of that, and I find it incredibly endearing.

So more and more over the last couple of months, I find myself, despite the fact that it's my worst day, work-wise, kind of looking forward to Tuesdays, because that's the day of the week I see him. He always talks to me, and he seems like there's the potential that he could possibly be interested at some point in time. I don't really know, because I'm HORRIBLE at telling when people are interested, but it's a possibility.

He's shorter than me, and I always swore that I'd never date someone shorter than me (not that we're talking about dating, or even ever going out, but I think about things way too deeply and way too far in advance) but as a woman who's 5'9, not dating people my height or shorter is cutting out a great deal of the population. I'm an Amazon, basically. An Amazon that, unfortunately, loves high heels.

So I'll give updates on that as they come.

This has been an insanely long entry, so I'll save Nick's European Adventure, more ANTM, and my thrift store finds.

Oh, on the last mix CD Nick made me, he included this song, which I had never heard ("So What?" by Pink) and I LOVE it. I talked to him about it yesterday and he said that the lyrics sounded like me, and it's kind of true. I can't even tell you how many miles I've driven around the county blasting this song and feeling badass. I've put the video here, if you're interested:

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green. I hope when you're in bed with her you think of me.

On the way home from the Biltmore today, CousinCasey and I were listening to Kelly Clarkson (You know - the one girl I'd eschew all tradition and family opinion and whatever to hook up with? I LOVE her.) She's going to be nearby-ish in November with Reba McEntire, and if I'm still here, I'm going to be all over that concert like. . .awesome on William Shatner.

Anyway, I was listening to her, and I realized that I think part of the reason I love her so much (aside from, you know, her incredible hotness), is because a lot of her songs are angry, you-broke-up-with-me-and-I'm-pissed songs, and that kind of defines. . .no, not defines me, but I can relate. On several different levels.

I was thinking about my latest "relationship" and how a lot of Kelly Clarkson songs seem to fit into how that went. I mean I fell absolutely head over heels for this guy, and it was just a smorgasboard of bad idea + bad timing + just not right. But even now, I'm still working on getting over it. That's part of the reason I'm so eager to try to get out into the whole dating thing. Maybe it's not healthy, but I feel like if I can get my mind off of it entirely, I'll be better off.

To be fair, I'm a lot better off than I was. I don't get mopey when we're in the same place and I don't want to jump him every time I see him, so I'm. . .healing, for lack of a better word. Once I get out of this town, I'll be 100% better about it, I'm sure.

And yet, and yet. I'm still pleased when he sees me and looks happy to see me. That doesn't make me sad and pathetic, does it? I feel like it's one of those things where I like to know that he hasn't completely written me off, because before we "dated," we were amazing friends.

Enough about that.

1. Why football is better than sex

Last night, I was going to the game I mentioned with CousinCasey, her husband, and her husband's BFF.

(I'm going to take an interlude here and mention that I never realized how difficult it would be to try to keep some sense of anonymity with this blog. I didn't want to mention, for the most part, real people and places, because I didn't want to get in trouble if anyone that, perhaps, I work for, came across it. But it's so difficult. What if I just kept my own name fake and the paper's name fake and maybe my boss' name fake and used other people's real names? Is that doable? To be fair, some nicknames will stay (i.e. McHotpants), because I actually call him that and I also have some people that I really have nicknames for that I DON'T call them, but that's how I refer to them to people. I also won't use last names. Ready? Let's go.)

So, I went to the game with Carrie, Frank, and Steph. We were driving through the town and I was saying, "Hey, I should be on a date right now." And then I was explaining that part of the reason I knew that OnlineDateGuy wasn't going to work out for me was because I could tell he was the type of guy that would, probably not too far into the relationship, expect that sex was the logical next step, and I'm just not looking to add that to my list of Things In My Life. I mean, there's only one person I've ever been involved with that I've even CONSIDERED taking that step with (and I never did) so I don't see myself starting a "relationship" with someone and that even being an issue.

I sat there for a second, and I said, "Oh my God. Do you realize that this means I'd rather go to a football game. . .a high school football game. . .than begin the steps toward sex? I'd rather watch football than have sex."

Carrie said it was a mature thing of me, really, and I tend to agree, but it was just kind of interesting to think about it in that manner.

(Another thought. If I ever put pictures of myself on here, it'll render my fake name moot, if people know me. Oh well. I'm keeping it, because I really do hate my name.)

2. The Game or Damn, I Miss High School Football

So the big game. (This picture does more to tell everyone exactly where I am. . .) County Clash 2008. It was kind of awesome. On our way, we were trying to decide who we wanted to go for. I tend toward being a THS fan for whatever reason. However, it was a home game at PHS, and they also have better colors, so we decided to go for PHS. However, once we got in, the place was PACKED, and we couldn't get over to the PHS side and we had to stand among rabid THS fans, so we had to cheer for them. But secretly, we were rooting for PHS. And, in the end, I was glad THS won. (28-10) I was just excited to be there.

We were right down at the fence, but there were people in front of us for a lot of it. During the last quarter, we were able to get right up to the fence, and that was pretty amazing. I'm planning on going to more games, because it was. . .oddly exciting. Plus, I was rocking out to the THS marching band. I couldn't not dance. I'm sure I looked exactly as white as I am, but it was fun.

I'm exhausted. It's bedtime. Next time, the Job From Hell, Biltmore House and whatever else I come up with between now and then.

I've got my things, I'm good to go. You met me at the terminal. Just one more plane ride and it's done.

So I made it to South Carolina. I didn't initially think that it was going to be able to come, because I'm having some ridiculous car problems with my ridiculous car. It's going to cost me no less than at least 200 bucks to fix. I hate how expensive cars are. Especially cars more than 10 years old.

I decided to go by the library on the way out and pick up some audio books. Now that I've experienced traveling with audio books, I don't think I'll ever go a long distance without them. It kept me awake and I feel like something was accomplished (i.e., I read a book).

One of the audiobooks I picked up was He's Just Not That Into You. Now, I had checked this out of the library a while back and had read the first page or so and hated it. I don't remember specifically why I hated it so much, but I think it had something to do with the relationship situation I was in at the time and how I hated how what it was saying to me was contrary to everything I was doing at the moment in my personal life.

So I listened to the entire book for the first part of my trip and. . .I was kind of captivated. Granted, some of it wasn't altogether. . .nice. But the guy didn't say anything that wasn't entirely true. It was stuff like, don't date married men because every woman deserves to have a guy's full attention, don't overlook the fact that he says he'll call you at a specific time and then doesn't, because that just shows that he's always going to be more concerned with his time than with yours, don't waste your time with guys who give excuses as to why they can't spend more time with you. The guy was saying something like, if he really likes you, he'll find ways to call you/be with you/be the only guy in your life, etc.

I hate, hate HATE to say that a lot of the things he said never to get involved with, I've been involved with. Recently. And he said something about not settling. Which I do. Because, really and truly? Guys don't like me. No, that's not true. Guys love me. They think I'm fun and funny and they like hanging out with me. . .but they'll cancel plans to hang out with me in order to see some girl they're actually interested in. In, you know, the friend girl. So when I find a guy who's interested, I tend to be like Yes! Finally!! And I'll overlook all the crap that no normal person would overlook ever.

But, and I'm not even exaggerating, this book has changed my perception of a lot of things. I'm hoping that the next time some guy's interested, all this doesn't go out the window, but it kind of put it all in perspective.

Next: weddings and babies.

OK. Babies can be cute. Not when they're first born, but by the time they get to the three, four, five month old stage, they're cute to look at, I guess, and maybe play with. But once they start screaming/needing diaper changes/taking over every aspect of your LIFE, they're not so cute anymore.

Weddings. Occasionally, parts of them are fun. Getting all done up and eating cake are two things that I happen to enjoy.

My question, though, is why is it that every single person I spend any amount of time with is fixated on either or both?

I know that my job, as a girlfriend, is to coo over babies and to be excited about weddings but honestly? I'm just not that into them. Especially the idea of a permanent child in my life. And that's my prerogative, you know? I'm allowed to not like kids that much right now and to not want to jump into a wedding dress next week. It seems to me that a lot of people today are totally against the thought that maybe there's someone out there that doesn't

Maybe one of these days I'll change my mind. Maybe today, my friend and I will go visit Savannah and I'll meet the Georgie Peach of my dreams, and we'll have a whirlwind courtship and be married by the fall.

Maybe after GP and I get married in October, I'll be knocked up by spring and popping out babies by my first anniversary.

But I seriously doubt it.

I'm sure that this is going to get me ex-communicated from Girldom, but I just wish, sometimes, people would take into consideration that they're talking to someone who is single, will probably be single for a while, and who is surrounded by not-single people making all these plans that, honestly? I think most of us are too young for. And much as I'm fine with being on my own (hell, I'm finding out more and more recently that it lets me do. . .pretty much whatever I want without having to take anyone else's perspective into consideration. I could move to Montana if I wanted to.) I also don't like being reminded of it on a continual basis.

It's like. . .I'm diabetic, right? I'm OK with that. I've accepted that. But I don't want to sit around and talk about it. It's an aspect of my life that's there, it's not going to change any time soon, but I don't really want to discuss it.

I guess my point is, I love my friends, but I wish that there were other things they were all so interested in talking about right now. Because I can't connect. When it comes to weddings and wanting children, I don't understand the conversation, because I'm not planning a wedding and I'm not looking to spend nine months carrying something around that, after those nine months, I have to take care of fully for a few years and then deal with for the rest of my life.

Am I horrible? I feel like maybe I am, but then again, it's how I feel about the situation.

I feel like this has been a negative entry. Let's throw in some positive.

Oh my God, I ate at Applebees last night and we passed a Target. I got more excited than I should have. My town really, really needs to step it up a couple notches. It was amazing.

And we really are going to Savannah today, and I'm pretty excited about that. I didn't realize how close to Georgia this place is. I'm 8 miles outside of Georgia.

Next is on MTV right now, and if you've never seen it, you need to. It's an awful show, but you'll start watching it during a marathon and, three hours later, finally peel yourself away.

So what? I'm still a rock star. I got my rock moves. And I don't need you.

I went out last night with CousinCasey and Amanda. I hadn't been out with anyone except McHotpants in quite a while, so it was nice to have Girl Time. I don't, as a general rule, like girls all that much, but sometimes, boys are kind of lame.

So after a couple glasses of wine, we began toasting. Amanda's toast was "Here's to me no longer being married to a complete shit." (She'd had mediation that day.) I don't remember CousinCasey's toast. But mine was, "Here's to realizing who is worth your time and who is not."

The more I thought about that (and I thought about it through a lot of today), the more I realized that I have a problem. My problem is, throughout the years, I've had friends and various others in my life that aren't good for me. I don't mean necessarily that it was the occasional thing that just got on my nerves because, let's face it - we all get on someone's nerves at some given time during any relationship. I know that I get on my friends' nerves occasionally just like they get on my nerves occasionally. It happens. You can't like someone all the time.

But my thing is, I get involved, in whatever capacity, with people who can be just kind of. . .bad for me. It's kind of hard to explain.

The problem lies in the fact that I'm willing, a lot of the time, to overlook it because I'm fond of the person, or the person that they used to be. I KNOW I need to disassociate myself, but I'm not willing to do it.

Am I even making sense?

I'll use, as an example, my long-term high school boyfriend. I dated him, collectively, for a year and a half. We were one of those on-again, off-again couples. It was obvious to everyone that we weren't a good match, for various reasons. I knew it. There were several things about him and about our relationship that I knew were bad and that I knew pointed to the fact that he wasn't someone I needed in my life. Despite the fact that I was aware of this, I kept him around.

My question is, why do I do this? I cling to these relationships that are no good for me, whether because they're just plain dysfunctional, whether the person just doesn't treat me well, or whatever.

Point being, I'm trying not to hold onto things that aren't good for me. But it's hard.

In other news, my job has become frustrating almost to the point I can't breathe. I wake up every day and hit the snooze until the last possible minute that I won't be late to work.

This entire entry was a waste of space.