ANTM Episode 2: The One Where Everyone Gets Political

Episode two! More drama! More posing! More fierceness!

Samantha is going to miss prom and graduation to be on the show, but that's ok! Who needs a stupid high school dance where you dress up to a ridiculous extreme and pile makeup on your face while pretending to like the people around you when you can. . .be on TV, dressing up to a ridiculous extreme and pretend to like the people around you?

Brittany B. really, really wants to win.

Brittany S. looks kind of like a duck. Or like Sarah from Cycle 5. I don't think she's pretty at all.

Marjorie has awful teeth. She emigrated from France when she was 9. She was homeschooled. I really can't stand this girl.

The remaining 14 are on a roof, randomly. Since Tyra and the Jays are easily confused, two of the Brittanys have their names changed. Brittany B. is, henceforth, to be known as Sharaun. I have no idea from whence this name has come. Ugly Duck Brittany S. is now McKey. The hell?

Isis mentions she's a former he on the way to becoming a she.

Oh, and here are the Jays. OJ refers to the girls as "14 lucky bitches." The girls then run from the roof to this bus all decked out in makeup and pinkness. It looks like every former winner of this show has thrown up in this bus.

The girls get to their new digs and go tearing through the house. Hannah reminds us, yet again, that she had no electricity or running water while she was growing up. Hannah remains boring.

There's random footage of a snail.

The girls all gather around Isis and question her. She talks about using tape to hide her junk in a bathing suit and about filing down Adams apples. They discuss her voice, which is actually low, but not abnormally so. I mean, I have a low voice for a female, so I get it.

Now they're talking about Marjorie. My dear GOD, this girl bugs me. I can't even put into words how much I can't stand this chick. She's so skittish, and she's not cute and she's so self-depricating. It's not cute, girlfriend. Not fierce at all.

There's a pool so, of course, everyone jumps in. Isis says this is the first time she's gone swimming as "Isis." Isis is kind of cute and endearing. McKey and Isis discuss transitioning, which Isis likens to going through puberty again. McKey says Isis is developing "like a butterfly." How cute! I don't hate McKey as much as I did last episode.

You know who I do hate more than last episode, though? Clark. I'm afraid she and I are going to have to break up. She says she's "not closedminded, but traditional." Hannah (who still needs to shut up and go back to Alaska) is talking to Clark. Clark says that in the South, you "don't run into a he-she every day." First of all, shut up, Clark. Secondly, I went to college with at least one transgender person, and I went to school in the South. So there. Clark says Isis "has no place in this competition."

McKey reminds me why I didn't like her last episode. She's punching. . .the air. And then a pillow. All to the soundtrack of Eye of the Tiger. I can't even tell you how awesome that is. Clark tells us this is not a fighting competition, but a modeling competition. She doesn't think McKey is right in the head.

Tyra mail!! It's on a screen, where we see a picture of Tyra as a fierce postman. "Tomorrow, it's going to get really intimate in under a minute. I assure you it will be . . . magical. Love, Tyra." They all read the message in unison, and it is annoying. I hope they don't keep this up all season, because that'll get really, really old.

The girls pull up in front of a magic castle. The paintings have pairs of eyes that follow you around the room. Creeeepy. Ed Alonso, the Misfit of Magic, is behind a curtain. He irritates me within 10 seconds. Some fake magic tricks are done and all of a sudden, it's. . .NIGEL BARKER, noted fashion photographer. Then Ed Alonso opens a large book called "Secrets of a Top Model" and Paulina Porizkova appears.

The world of modeling is like magic - full of illusions. Blah blah blah, the judges "disappear" (forcing the girls to, once again, pretend that they disappeared before their very eyes,) and the judges go to different places in the castle and the girls have to find them and be interviewed. If I were one of those judges, I'd hide in the most remote corner so the girls couldn't find me and freak out and cry because they failed the challenge. But, you know, that's me. And I'm hateful.

Also, Marjorie's eyes are bugged out and they freak me out a little bit. She's so not cute.

McKey is wearing an awesome glittery silver shirt I'd kill for. She finds BJ first.

Sharaun introduces herself to all the judges as America's Next Top Model. God, this girl is annoying. Paulina is Not Amused. When Sharaun tells BJ she's America's Next Top Model, he says, OK, then I guess I don't need to ask you anything. Burn. Nigel hates her. As do I.

Marjorie blanks when asked her favorite photographer and is so awkward, I want to pass her a necklace with one bead made of cyanide she can just pop and get it over with. She's awkward in the same way that the British version of The Office is awkward. That is to say, extremely.

Paulina loves Samantha. I feel Samantha has had a lobotomy at some point in her life.

Nigel is impressed by Isis' knowledge of light in photographs but feels there's "something about her that was unusual." Oh, Nigel.

After a moment with Joslyn and BJ that I don't really care about, the interviews are over and the girls go back to their house where there was a giant pink box in the backyard. Turns out, the box is filled with presents for all of them. Free clothes, accessories, and other assorted fierceness.

TYRA MAIL! "Fashion isn't the only way to make a statement. Love, Tyra." The models are stumped. Not altogether surprisingly. Oh, Tyra. You and your mysterious, crafty ways.

Nikeysha isn't nervous. Maybe she should be. She's really annoying.

Time for a photo shoot! OJ busts out of a voting booth and talks about how it's an election year, etc. The girls will be posing as different election issues. Also, the girls who aren't yet registered to vote will be registered that day. O. . .k? I guess it's the good, American thing to do, but that was kind of sprung on them. What if they don't want to register? We never find out, though. $100 bucks says Clark registers as a Republican.

Random things I notice here: Isis' shirt looks like a scrub shirt that a nurse would wear and Irritating Sharaun blinks and widens her eyes a lot when she talks. It's very distracting.

Tyra, apparently, is passionate about the upcoming presidential race. Mike Rosenthal, ANTM regular, is doing the shoot. The girls are get their crazy make-up put on.

Samantha (right) interviews that she's never done a photoshoot and says that the only shoot she's ever done is when her father rounded up her and her brothers and said, "Smile!" Samantha does this adorable face and puts her hands into the "Rock on!" position to demonstrate how most of her pictures look. I'm not really a Samantha fan, but that was an adorable moment.

Marjorie, the immigrant, has "immigration" as her issue. Of course. I hate this girl so much, and can't help but notice her freakishly long neck. She's wearing a dress that looks like it was made out of shredded electrical tape.

Brittany's (left) issue is "military." Her shoot is boring, so I have nothing to say about it.

Next up is Clark. Poor, dumb Clark, my ex-girlfriend. She is representing "bureaucracy." She asks if that's the same thing as Communism. Of course. McKey either really just won't tell Clark what bureaucracy is or she doesn't know. I kind of hope she just doesn't want to tell her. Clark gives the photographer the "same face" on a set full of red tape, and she "looks like a Barbie doll." Communist Barbie. That'll be the big seller this Christmas. Watch out, Tickle Me Elmo. Communist Barbie will take all of your property and distribute it amongst the masses.

McKey's (right) issue is "environment" and she's posing with a voting booth which appears to be deep in the jungles of the Amazon. She's wearing a tight bronze dress and she starts punching the air like it took her last bottle of SmartWater. I really love that they're playing Eye of the Tiger again. I really hope that becomes McKey's official theme song, because not only do I love the song, but it cracks me up every time they play it. Clark thinks McKey is crazy. Shut up, Clark.

Commercial!

We're back and Hannah is up next, posing with the issue of "nuclear weapons." She's wearing what appears to be a trash bag with a red ribbon tied around it. Hannah remains boring.

My second girlfriend, Elina, (right) is up next, and her issue is "foreign policy." I guess she does have a foreign look about her, now that I think about it. She smiles with her eyes. As you do.

Isis is up. She's told she has good skin. Her issue is "privacy" and it's shown by her pretending to vote and having other contestants behind the voting booth "spying" on her. All the while, they're making bitchy commentary. Sharaun says, "Reality is, she's a man." Isis remains classy, all the while wearing a sequined dress that I'm not sure I could pull off. I have to say that, personally, I don't understand the whole transgender thing, but if you're going to do it, that's your perrogative, and you shouldn't have nasty bitches saying crap to you. I was hesitant when I heard there was going to be a transgender contestant, but I'm kind of loving Isis now. She basically rocks the shoot.

SHEENA! My God, I love this girl. She's up next and her issue is "energy." She has on blue lipstick, which I don't actually understand, and is wearing a dress that reminds me of Jessica Rabbit. I love Sheena more than words can express. OJ yells "hootch!" when she gets a little too sexy. I hope this isn't going to be Sheena's downfall, like Sara from Cycle 2, who also got the "too sexy" cut.

It's Joslyn's (left) turn and her issue is "unemployment." She's wearing a little pink dress. Jay tells her she was "almost Tyra Banks hot." Which, one might argue, isn't really a compliment.

Analeigh's issue is "healthcare" and she's wearing black sequins. There's not much to say about this one, even though I find her endearing.

Sharaun (right) is up and her issue is "homeland security." OJ says she's looking "convoluted," which. . .does that make sense? Can one LOOK convoluted? I just looked the word up, and the definition is "having convolutions." Thanks, Webster. Convolutions are, apparently, "complications or intricacies of design, a form or shape that is folded in curved or tortuous windings." Eh, ok. She's wearing a short, bluish purple shirtdress. OJ says there's nothing sexy about it at all. True.

Samantha, doing "economy," wears a pink and black dress that looks like it belongs on a paper doll.

Lauren Brie (left) has "education," which I feel is unfortunate for someone so dumb-looking. She wears a dress that looks like bark.

Nikeysha (right) is last (thank God) and her issue is "cloning." She's wearing an outfit that looks like something I imagine a dominatrix going to the Emmys would wear. It also has a white tutu. Wow. She's really, really thin. Do I see an intervention in her near future?

TYRA MAIL! One of these bitches is going home. Sharaun is ready for someone to be cut and for Tyra to tell her she's America's Next Top Model. Foreshadowing, party of one? Your table's ready.

Marjorie talks about. . .something. Honest to God, I can't stand this girl being on my screen. The lack of confidence is not appealing at all. You have to have some level of confidence to even try out for this show, so she needs to stop pretending like she doesn't think she's hot.

Commercials!

We're back with the panel and see Tyra, again looking like she raided Judy Jetson's wardrobe and then stole the gauntlets that went with my marching band uniform in high school. I guess this is "safari Judy Jetson," because it's all khaki/ Fierce khaki.

Tyra tells us, for the first of at least 12 times, that the prizes are a contract with Elite Model Management, a 6-page spread in Seventeen mag, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. I miss the days where the magazine they would appear in was Jane magazine. Oh, Jane, how I miss you.

The judges we know. Nigel, Paulina, and BJ. More of the same. I miss Janice Dickinson, too.

First up on the chopping block is Marjorie. (Boo! Hiss!) (left) Nigel sees nothing but nerves, while Paulina sees a brain. Tyra thinks the photo is "divine."

Sharaun is next and BJ comments on how she likes to spread her legs. I'm really just going to let that one go without comment, mmk? The judges aren't huge fans.

Poor, dumb Clark (right) approaches the table. She admits she didn't know what bureaucracy is and Tyra wonders why she didn't ask. Well, to be fair, she did, but McKey wouldn't tell her. Ha! Her picture is kind of hideous and her entire performance was "mediocre." Yay!

Elina is next. Nigel thinks she looks patriotic. I think she looks hot.

Nikeysha approaches with the "Heeeey!" that is already grating on my nerves. Please, someone give this girl a sandwich and shut her up. Her "face looked great" but she didn’t "have model legs." They, apparently, look like "encased meat." Oh my God, that's awesome. Nikeysha looks confused. I think she's not sure what meat is, since she chooses not to eat anything other than water and celery sticks. Tyra says Nikeysha needs to shut up and that she has trouble taking critique.

Samantha looks like Bridget Hall and also "looks like she runs in the fresh air," which is. . .good?

Josyln looks like Tyra going on a go-see back in the day. She looks pleased with this until she realizes this is not a compliment. They make her take off her earrings and necklace. BJ says she "looks like you’re going out to get some work.” Again, not a compliment. But actually, the picture isn't awful. Go figure.

Analeigh's (left) picture "doesn’t say healthcare" to Nigel. Paulina disagrees.

Brittany is next and BJ loves that she looks "6 feet tall and powerful." Tyra’s brother, who has been in the Air Force for 20 years, will, apparently, call Tyra and say he approves of the picture. I didn't even know Tyra HAD a brother. Oh, man. Bring him in as a guest judge! Please!

Hannah’s headband (right) is too Gossip Girl. Hello, plug for a fellow CW show! That's Hannah's favorite show, so, again, I don't think that she gets that it's an insult. Her picture . . . dude, she looks like more of a man than Isis.

My girl Sheena (left) is up and everyone approves of her picture. Tyra tells her, in response to her concern about looking too hootchie, to "model the opposite of what you have on." I'm not entirely certain what the opposite of blue lipstick is.

McKey is up. (Where in the HELL did they get these names?) Apparently, her film wasn't good until she started boxing the air. Tyra tells her to box in her head. Sage advice. Paulina has nothing negative to say.

Lauren Brie is up, looking more brain dead than usual. The problem with her picture is that we "don't see her eyes, so we don't see the light." Really, I think all you'd see if you looked into her eyes is empty space wrapped in evil.

Isis (right) is up. Tyra talks about her being transgender and cracks on her hair. It's a good picture, though.

The judges begin their deliberations. I fully expected Tyra to say to the girls, "And one of you. . .will be out." I've been watching too much Project Runway. They think Marjorie is "magnificent" but is a "bundle of nerves." They talk about her using French phrases. That's going to get really old really fast. Nigel thinks Shavaun is an "unusual character." Elina "isn't sexy in person, but takes a good picture." Samantha, says Tyra, has one safe look and she needs a boyish haircut to toughen her up. Uh oh. Hello, makeovers! Nikeysha had a good shot but is irritating as hell. I'm paraphrasing a little there. Clark has one of the worst pictures in the bunch, but she has "gorgeous legs." Too bad she has a repugnant personality. Joslyn is a complete surprise to Nigel, but "he gets it." Not much is said about Analeigh. Brittany has a great shot and it makes Tyra "feel patriotic." Hannah's shot is a mess for Nigel and she "has no light in her eyes." Well, hello. She grew up with no electricity! She doesn't know what light is! Sheena has a "rockin' body." As far as McKey goes, Nigel sees "a gorgeous picture of a gorgeous girl" but they feel she lucked into it. Lauren Brie's photo kind of sucks, but Nigel is into her big old forehead. Isis "is a model" and Nigel thinks she's smart. Now wait a minute. Those are two descriptors that don't go together at all. Personally, I think I'd rather be smart. Remind me of that next time I'm complaining because guys find me "intimidating."

Commercial!

Tyra appears, looking stern. Fourteen girls stand before her, but she only has 13 photos in her hands. And Tyra has a special surprise for the girls. Whomever is called first every week will have her picture displayed in the house for a week. That's. . .underwhelming. The first name she's going to call. . .is. . .

Marjorie! (Boo! Hiss!) She's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. Isis is called next and she is cutely happy. Next is McKey, followed by Joslyn. The next name she's going to call. . .is. . .Elina. She's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. She's followed by Samantha, Brittany, Sheena, Analeigh (who does a weird high kick) and poor, dumb Clark. Lauren Brie is called and the next name Tyra is going to call. . .is. . . Hannah. She's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model.

Tyra kind of looks like a man here.

Sharaun and Nikeysha are the bottom two. They both stand before Tyra, but she only has one photo in her hands. The girl's name that she doesn't call must immediately return to the house, pack her bags, and go home.

Sharaun did not inspire the judges during her interviews with them. She has no substance. Nikeysha had a strong picture, but she wouldn't shut up, she cut them off while they were talking, and that wasn't attractive. So who stays?

It's Nikeysha! I guess she's the lesser of the two evils. Sharaun (hilariously) hits the ground crying. Nikeysha is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. Tyra knows Sharaun wanted it, but it's not about wanting it. You have to be real. I'm distracted, again, by how thin Nikeysha is. Sharaun tells us she's not cocky, just confident, and the judges got the wrong impression. Whatever.

Next time: Some girls make out with each other and Hannah may or may not be racist.