ANTM Episode 2: The One Where Everyone Gets Political

Episode two! More drama! More posing! More fierceness!

Samantha is going to miss prom and graduation to be on the show, but that's ok! Who needs a stupid high school dance where you dress up to a ridiculous extreme and pile makeup on your face while pretending to like the people around you when you can. . .be on TV, dressing up to a ridiculous extreme and pretend to like the people around you?

Brittany B. really, really wants to win.

Brittany S. looks kind of like a duck. Or like Sarah from Cycle 5. I don't think she's pretty at all.

Marjorie has awful teeth. She emigrated from France when she was 9. She was homeschooled. I really can't stand this girl.

The remaining 14 are on a roof, randomly. Since Tyra and the Jays are easily confused, two of the Brittanys have their names changed. Brittany B. is, henceforth, to be known as Sharaun. I have no idea from whence this name has come. Ugly Duck Brittany S. is now McKey. The hell?

Isis mentions she's a former he on the way to becoming a she.

Oh, and here are the Jays. OJ refers to the girls as "14 lucky bitches." The girls then run from the roof to this bus all decked out in makeup and pinkness. It looks like every former winner of this show has thrown up in this bus.

The girls get to their new digs and go tearing through the house. Hannah reminds us, yet again, that she had no electricity or running water while she was growing up. Hannah remains boring.

There's random footage of a snail.

The girls all gather around Isis and question her. She talks about using tape to hide her junk in a bathing suit and about filing down Adams apples. They discuss her voice, which is actually low, but not abnormally so. I mean, I have a low voice for a female, so I get it.

Now they're talking about Marjorie. My dear GOD, this girl bugs me. I can't even put into words how much I can't stand this chick. She's so skittish, and she's not cute and she's so self-depricating. It's not cute, girlfriend. Not fierce at all.

There's a pool so, of course, everyone jumps in. Isis says this is the first time she's gone swimming as "Isis." Isis is kind of cute and endearing. McKey and Isis discuss transitioning, which Isis likens to going through puberty again. McKey says Isis is developing "like a butterfly." How cute! I don't hate McKey as much as I did last episode.

You know who I do hate more than last episode, though? Clark. I'm afraid she and I are going to have to break up. She says she's "not closedminded, but traditional." Hannah (who still needs to shut up and go back to Alaska) is talking to Clark. Clark says that in the South, you "don't run into a he-she every day." First of all, shut up, Clark. Secondly, I went to college with at least one transgender person, and I went to school in the South. So there. Clark says Isis "has no place in this competition."

McKey reminds me why I didn't like her last episode. She's punching. . .the air. And then a pillow. All to the soundtrack of Eye of the Tiger. I can't even tell you how awesome that is. Clark tells us this is not a fighting competition, but a modeling competition. She doesn't think McKey is right in the head.

Tyra mail!! It's on a screen, where we see a picture of Tyra as a fierce postman. "Tomorrow, it's going to get really intimate in under a minute. I assure you it will be . . . magical. Love, Tyra." They all read the message in unison, and it is annoying. I hope they don't keep this up all season, because that'll get really, really old.

The girls pull up in front of a magic castle. The paintings have pairs of eyes that follow you around the room. Creeeepy. Ed Alonso, the Misfit of Magic, is behind a curtain. He irritates me within 10 seconds. Some fake magic tricks are done and all of a sudden, it's. . .NIGEL BARKER, noted fashion photographer. Then Ed Alonso opens a large book called "Secrets of a Top Model" and Paulina Porizkova appears.

The world of modeling is like magic - full of illusions. Blah blah blah, the judges "disappear" (forcing the girls to, once again, pretend that they disappeared before their very eyes,) and the judges go to different places in the castle and the girls have to find them and be interviewed. If I were one of those judges, I'd hide in the most remote corner so the girls couldn't find me and freak out and cry because they failed the challenge. But, you know, that's me. And I'm hateful.

Also, Marjorie's eyes are bugged out and they freak me out a little bit. She's so not cute.

McKey is wearing an awesome glittery silver shirt I'd kill for. She finds BJ first.

Sharaun introduces herself to all the judges as America's Next Top Model. God, this girl is annoying. Paulina is Not Amused. When Sharaun tells BJ she's America's Next Top Model, he says, OK, then I guess I don't need to ask you anything. Burn. Nigel hates her. As do I.

Marjorie blanks when asked her favorite photographer and is so awkward, I want to pass her a necklace with one bead made of cyanide she can just pop and get it over with. She's awkward in the same way that the British version of The Office is awkward. That is to say, extremely.

Paulina loves Samantha. I feel Samantha has had a lobotomy at some point in her life.

Nigel is impressed by Isis' knowledge of light in photographs but feels there's "something about her that was unusual." Oh, Nigel.

After a moment with Joslyn and BJ that I don't really care about, the interviews are over and the girls go back to their house where there was a giant pink box in the backyard. Turns out, the box is filled with presents for all of them. Free clothes, accessories, and other assorted fierceness.

TYRA MAIL! "Fashion isn't the only way to make a statement. Love, Tyra." The models are stumped. Not altogether surprisingly. Oh, Tyra. You and your mysterious, crafty ways.

Nikeysha isn't nervous. Maybe she should be. She's really annoying.

Time for a photo shoot! OJ busts out of a voting booth and talks about how it's an election year, etc. The girls will be posing as different election issues. Also, the girls who aren't yet registered to vote will be registered that day. O. . .k? I guess it's the good, American thing to do, but that was kind of sprung on them. What if they don't want to register? We never find out, though. $100 bucks says Clark registers as a Republican.

Random things I notice here: Isis' shirt looks like a scrub shirt that a nurse would wear and Irritating Sharaun blinks and widens her eyes a lot when she talks. It's very distracting.

Tyra, apparently, is passionate about the upcoming presidential race. Mike Rosenthal, ANTM regular, is doing the shoot. The girls are get their crazy make-up put on.

Samantha (right) interviews that she's never done a photoshoot and says that the only shoot she's ever done is when her father rounded up her and her brothers and said, "Smile!" Samantha does this adorable face and puts her hands into the "Rock on!" position to demonstrate how most of her pictures look. I'm not really a Samantha fan, but that was an adorable moment.

Marjorie, the immigrant, has "immigration" as her issue. Of course. I hate this girl so much, and can't help but notice her freakishly long neck. She's wearing a dress that looks like it was made out of shredded electrical tape.

Brittany's (left) issue is "military." Her shoot is boring, so I have nothing to say about it.

Next up is Clark. Poor, dumb Clark, my ex-girlfriend. She is representing "bureaucracy." She asks if that's the same thing as Communism. Of course. McKey either really just won't tell Clark what bureaucracy is or she doesn't know. I kind of hope she just doesn't want to tell her. Clark gives the photographer the "same face" on a set full of red tape, and she "looks like a Barbie doll." Communist Barbie. That'll be the big seller this Christmas. Watch out, Tickle Me Elmo. Communist Barbie will take all of your property and distribute it amongst the masses.

McKey's (right) issue is "environment" and she's posing with a voting booth which appears to be deep in the jungles of the Amazon. She's wearing a tight bronze dress and she starts punching the air like it took her last bottle of SmartWater. I really love that they're playing Eye of the Tiger again. I really hope that becomes McKey's official theme song, because not only do I love the song, but it cracks me up every time they play it. Clark thinks McKey is crazy. Shut up, Clark.

Commercial!

We're back and Hannah is up next, posing with the issue of "nuclear weapons." She's wearing what appears to be a trash bag with a red ribbon tied around it. Hannah remains boring.

My second girlfriend, Elina, (right) is up next, and her issue is "foreign policy." I guess she does have a foreign look about her, now that I think about it. She smiles with her eyes. As you do.

Isis is up. She's told she has good skin. Her issue is "privacy" and it's shown by her pretending to vote and having other contestants behind the voting booth "spying" on her. All the while, they're making bitchy commentary. Sharaun says, "Reality is, she's a man." Isis remains classy, all the while wearing a sequined dress that I'm not sure I could pull off. I have to say that, personally, I don't understand the whole transgender thing, but if you're going to do it, that's your perrogative, and you shouldn't have nasty bitches saying crap to you. I was hesitant when I heard there was going to be a transgender contestant, but I'm kind of loving Isis now. She basically rocks the shoot.

SHEENA! My God, I love this girl. She's up next and her issue is "energy." She has on blue lipstick, which I don't actually understand, and is wearing a dress that reminds me of Jessica Rabbit. I love Sheena more than words can express. OJ yells "hootch!" when she gets a little too sexy. I hope this isn't going to be Sheena's downfall, like Sara from Cycle 2, who also got the "too sexy" cut.

It's Joslyn's (left) turn and her issue is "unemployment." She's wearing a little pink dress. Jay tells her she was "almost Tyra Banks hot." Which, one might argue, isn't really a compliment.

Analeigh's issue is "healthcare" and she's wearing black sequins. There's not much to say about this one, even though I find her endearing.

Sharaun (right) is up and her issue is "homeland security." OJ says she's looking "convoluted," which. . .does that make sense? Can one LOOK convoluted? I just looked the word up, and the definition is "having convolutions." Thanks, Webster. Convolutions are, apparently, "complications or intricacies of design, a form or shape that is folded in curved or tortuous windings." Eh, ok. She's wearing a short, bluish purple shirtdress. OJ says there's nothing sexy about it at all. True.

Samantha, doing "economy," wears a pink and black dress that looks like it belongs on a paper doll.

Lauren Brie (left) has "education," which I feel is unfortunate for someone so dumb-looking. She wears a dress that looks like bark.

Nikeysha (right) is last (thank God) and her issue is "cloning." She's wearing an outfit that looks like something I imagine a dominatrix going to the Emmys would wear. It also has a white tutu. Wow. She's really, really thin. Do I see an intervention in her near future?

TYRA MAIL! One of these bitches is going home. Sharaun is ready for someone to be cut and for Tyra to tell her she's America's Next Top Model. Foreshadowing, party of one? Your table's ready.

Marjorie talks about. . .something. Honest to God, I can't stand this girl being on my screen. The lack of confidence is not appealing at all. You have to have some level of confidence to even try out for this show, so she needs to stop pretending like she doesn't think she's hot.

Commercials!

We're back with the panel and see Tyra, again looking like she raided Judy Jetson's wardrobe and then stole the gauntlets that went with my marching band uniform in high school. I guess this is "safari Judy Jetson," because it's all khaki/ Fierce khaki.

Tyra tells us, for the first of at least 12 times, that the prizes are a contract with Elite Model Management, a 6-page spread in Seventeen mag, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. I miss the days where the magazine they would appear in was Jane magazine. Oh, Jane, how I miss you.

The judges we know. Nigel, Paulina, and BJ. More of the same. I miss Janice Dickinson, too.

First up on the chopping block is Marjorie. (Boo! Hiss!) (left) Nigel sees nothing but nerves, while Paulina sees a brain. Tyra thinks the photo is "divine."

Sharaun is next and BJ comments on how she likes to spread her legs. I'm really just going to let that one go without comment, mmk? The judges aren't huge fans.

Poor, dumb Clark (right) approaches the table. She admits she didn't know what bureaucracy is and Tyra wonders why she didn't ask. Well, to be fair, she did, but McKey wouldn't tell her. Ha! Her picture is kind of hideous and her entire performance was "mediocre." Yay!

Elina is next. Nigel thinks she looks patriotic. I think she looks hot.

Nikeysha approaches with the "Heeeey!" that is already grating on my nerves. Please, someone give this girl a sandwich and shut her up. Her "face looked great" but she didn’t "have model legs." They, apparently, look like "encased meat." Oh my God, that's awesome. Nikeysha looks confused. I think she's not sure what meat is, since she chooses not to eat anything other than water and celery sticks. Tyra says Nikeysha needs to shut up and that she has trouble taking critique.

Samantha looks like Bridget Hall and also "looks like she runs in the fresh air," which is. . .good?

Josyln looks like Tyra going on a go-see back in the day. She looks pleased with this until she realizes this is not a compliment. They make her take off her earrings and necklace. BJ says she "looks like you’re going out to get some work.” Again, not a compliment. But actually, the picture isn't awful. Go figure.

Analeigh's (left) picture "doesn’t say healthcare" to Nigel. Paulina disagrees.

Brittany is next and BJ loves that she looks "6 feet tall and powerful." Tyra’s brother, who has been in the Air Force for 20 years, will, apparently, call Tyra and say he approves of the picture. I didn't even know Tyra HAD a brother. Oh, man. Bring him in as a guest judge! Please!

Hannah’s headband (right) is too Gossip Girl. Hello, plug for a fellow CW show! That's Hannah's favorite show, so, again, I don't think that she gets that it's an insult. Her picture . . . dude, she looks like more of a man than Isis.

My girl Sheena (left) is up and everyone approves of her picture. Tyra tells her, in response to her concern about looking too hootchie, to "model the opposite of what you have on." I'm not entirely certain what the opposite of blue lipstick is.

McKey is up. (Where in the HELL did they get these names?) Apparently, her film wasn't good until she started boxing the air. Tyra tells her to box in her head. Sage advice. Paulina has nothing negative to say.

Lauren Brie is up, looking more brain dead than usual. The problem with her picture is that we "don't see her eyes, so we don't see the light." Really, I think all you'd see if you looked into her eyes is empty space wrapped in evil.

Isis (right) is up. Tyra talks about her being transgender and cracks on her hair. It's a good picture, though.

The judges begin their deliberations. I fully expected Tyra to say to the girls, "And one of you. . .will be out." I've been watching too much Project Runway. They think Marjorie is "magnificent" but is a "bundle of nerves." They talk about her using French phrases. That's going to get really old really fast. Nigel thinks Shavaun is an "unusual character." Elina "isn't sexy in person, but takes a good picture." Samantha, says Tyra, has one safe look and she needs a boyish haircut to toughen her up. Uh oh. Hello, makeovers! Nikeysha had a good shot but is irritating as hell. I'm paraphrasing a little there. Clark has one of the worst pictures in the bunch, but she has "gorgeous legs." Too bad she has a repugnant personality. Joslyn is a complete surprise to Nigel, but "he gets it." Not much is said about Analeigh. Brittany has a great shot and it makes Tyra "feel patriotic." Hannah's shot is a mess for Nigel and she "has no light in her eyes." Well, hello. She grew up with no electricity! She doesn't know what light is! Sheena has a "rockin' body." As far as McKey goes, Nigel sees "a gorgeous picture of a gorgeous girl" but they feel she lucked into it. Lauren Brie's photo kind of sucks, but Nigel is into her big old forehead. Isis "is a model" and Nigel thinks she's smart. Now wait a minute. Those are two descriptors that don't go together at all. Personally, I think I'd rather be smart. Remind me of that next time I'm complaining because guys find me "intimidating."

Commercial!

Tyra appears, looking stern. Fourteen girls stand before her, but she only has 13 photos in her hands. And Tyra has a special surprise for the girls. Whomever is called first every week will have her picture displayed in the house for a week. That's. . .underwhelming. The first name she's going to call. . .is. . .

Marjorie! (Boo! Hiss!) She's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. Isis is called next and she is cutely happy. Next is McKey, followed by Joslyn. The next name she's going to call. . .is. . .Elina. She's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. She's followed by Samantha, Brittany, Sheena, Analeigh (who does a weird high kick) and poor, dumb Clark. Lauren Brie is called and the next name Tyra is going to call. . .is. . . Hannah. She's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model.

Tyra kind of looks like a man here.

Sharaun and Nikeysha are the bottom two. They both stand before Tyra, but she only has one photo in her hands. The girl's name that she doesn't call must immediately return to the house, pack her bags, and go home.

Sharaun did not inspire the judges during her interviews with them. She has no substance. Nikeysha had a strong picture, but she wouldn't shut up, she cut them off while they were talking, and that wasn't attractive. So who stays?

It's Nikeysha! I guess she's the lesser of the two evils. Sharaun (hilariously) hits the ground crying. Nikeysha is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. Tyra knows Sharaun wanted it, but it's not about wanting it. You have to be real. I'm distracted, again, by how thin Nikeysha is. Sharaun tells us she's not cocky, just confident, and the judges got the wrong impression. Whatever.

Next time: Some girls make out with each other and Hannah may or may not be racist.

ANTM Episode 1: The One With the Bad Special Effects - Part 2

Aaaaand we're back. With Sheena! Yay!! She's apparently half Japanese and half Korean. Her boyfriend is black and she likes "all flavas." You go, Sheena. Sheena looks fierce (and I don't mean that sarcastically) in her red bikini. Sheena, I love you.

Lindsey, 23, is from Mississippi. She's a plus-sized model, apparently, although TyraBot tells her she's a little thin for a plus-sized. My guess is that since Whitney won last cycle, TyraBot will stop her plus-sized rampage.

Brittany R. (right) is up next. She's black and Native American. She thinks she's diverse. OJ thinks BR has gorgeous skin. Color me underwhelmed.

Hannah, apparently, represents "a middle class person." Ok, Hannah. You're boring. Get off my screen.

We see the girls eating broccoli. Kacey makes fun of the way Isis is eating her broccoil. Kacey, you're a bitch. Shut up. I, personally, don't see anything weird about the way Isis is eating, but whatevs.

Hannah was once chased by a moose. TyraBot take the opportunity to teach Hannah how to run fiercely. I just noticed that OJ is wearing something that very closely resembles a lacey tablecloth. Fierce.

Montage! We see some of the 33 acting crazy and TyraBot acting craz. . .ier than usual.

Joslyn, who has an obnoxious voice, has to do a commercial for a towel. It sucks. This is the one who has auditioned 30 times.

Renee, 19, is wearing a short lycra dress over tights to make up an outfit that looks like something I would wear, so I approve. She's from Tennessee and wants people to know that Nashville is a big fashion place.

One of my girlfriends, Elina, comes in in her bathing suit. She has a tattoo across her stomach. Ew. Elina, I may have to move Sheena to your top place. Elina only wears black and tan, because she wants to wear things that aren't gender-specific. Oh, Elina. You're one of those. The "LESBIAN!" light starts blinking.

Oh, ok. She's not a lesbian. She's an equal opportunity lover. So, like that one twin from a few cycles ago. Word. She is a "sexual person who loves who she loves."

We see the girls talking about lesbianism. Elina has had relationships with women. Veronique is astounded. Kacey thinks Elina is weird. Elina thinks, during a really, incredibly awkward conversation, she's got a crush on Clark. Is this going to become another Kim and Sarah from cycle 5? I hope so.

(I feel the need to throw in here that I myself am not a lesbian. I realized how much I'm talking about my girl crushes, but that's just because there aren't any guys on the show to treat as eye candy. I'm just saying. I do like dudes.)

Commercial!

During this commercial break, there's a Pepto Bismol commercial on that showcases a guy in a bubble gum pink sweater vest. My question is, WHY do I not own this sweater vest? Also, there's a commercial about phones (the one with the option of black, white, and fierce green?) Someone texts a question to someone and the answer is, "Yes." I want to know what the question is.

We're back, and the judges are meeting Nikeysha, 19, (right) from New York. TyraBot said Nikeysha flashed the camera while auditioning. Nikeysha flashes the panel again. She throws her fake boobs at them (????) I'm over Nikeysha.

Another Brittany (left) comes in. Brittany S is from Illinois. Her boyfriend is a cage fighter, and she's into martial arts. I think B.S. tries too hard. She's got crazy hair that the judges encourage her to pull away from her face. TyraBot sees a model under all the hair. I see a crazy person.

Susan, 23, is from Michigan and just graduated from Harvard. Her major was English and American Literature and Language. As a fellow English major, I'm thrilled. However, TyraBot asks Susan for her favorite novel heroine and Susan can't think of any. To be fair, she's put on the spot and the whole thing is probably stressful, but really? Make something up. Surely you've read books. Susan, apparently, "didn't pay attention in those classes." Oh, Susan. Also, TyraBot is kind of a snob. I'm just sayin'. Susan looks good in her blue bikini, though. These kids clearly aren't on here because they're geniuses.

Next up is Samantha (right) from California. When she first came in, I thought she was Clark. They're both blondes. Samantha wants to "change the industry" but she doesn't know any models working today. Samantha is also boring. Also, her tan really bothers me for some reason.
Yay! We've reached the end of the interviews!

They're going to whittle the number down to 20, so 13 unfortunates will be auf'd. The Jays are wearing pink shirts that are hurting my face. I know I said I liked the Pepto Bismol sweater vest, but this is another kind of pink entirely. This pink should only be unleashed when one's life is in danger. I wonder if TyraBot considers this shade of pink fierce.

The girls all have to put their hands on a scanner thing to see if their access is granted or denied. Those who are moving on to the next level, so to speak, are Hannah, Brittany R., Lauren, Analeigh, Lindsay, Elina, Kacey, Sheena (Yay!), Isis, Brittany S., Joslyn, Samantha, Marjorie, Susan, Clark, Brittany B., and Nikeysha, who screams and says, "Take me aboard the mothership with these hot aliens!"

Hoo boy.

Renee cries. Also, holy hell, why did they keep all the Brittanys?

OJ, who is looking mighty, mighty orange and who has changed his pants again, says the girls have "five minutes to do your makeup and get into your metallic catsuits." Why this sentence isn't uttered more often, I'm not entirely certain. It's photo shoot time! They're posing with a number of what appears to be those large exercise balls. Samantha is underwhelming and has on weird-looking makeup. Marjorie "looks like a model." I find her annoying as hell. Joslyn, Brittany R., and Analeigh pose. Analeigh is "old school Claudia Schiffer." Hannah, who just looks awkward, reminds us she didn't have electricity or running water growing up. Elina "knows how to use her hands." Kacey doesn't see Isis as competition. Shut up, Kacey! Brittany B. climbs on the scenery.
Kacey keeps talking about how she's going to win and I feel that because of that, she'll be out.

Commercials!

Now, for whatever reason, the Jays are wearing gray plastic trench coats. It's time to evaluate the 20. OJ thinks Analeigh looks like a model. They all mock Nikeysha saying, "Heeeeey!" They make fun of Susan for not knowing about her major. Elina has intimidating eyes. Brittany R. looks multi-racial, Brittany S. has a natural pouty lip, and Brittany B. has energy. Lindsey reminds BJ of last season's Whitney. I'm guessing this is bad? They made fun of how Marjorie moves her hands and OJ says he'd only cast her in European shows. TyraBot thinks Isis has beautiful eyes, but they're concerned about prejudices. Samantha is cute and commercial, which I'm guessing means she'll be put through and get to the final 5 or so, and then they'll cut her for. . .being too commercial. Joslyn is positive. Kacey looks like a Barbie doll. Lauren Brie has a face like an angel. I think Lauren Brie looks frightening. Clark, and I quote, "needs some ugly pretty because right now she's pretty pretty and pretty pretty is ugly ugly." Whatever that means. TyraBot is confused about Hannah. They love Sheena. As do I.

Now, the "elimination download" is complete. So what does this mean? It means that they, again, get to get beamed up fiercely and break a few girls' hearts and dreams.

The first Cycle 11 finalist is. . .Sheena! Whooo! You go, girl! Next are Analeigh, wearing a flowly blue dress I love, Nikeysha, looking anorexic in a pink flowy dress, Marjorie, in a hideous dress, Samantha, Elina, wearing what is actually a fairly fabulous black outfit, Brittany R., and Brittany S., wearing those hideous boot heels.

TyraBot tells us there are 6 names left.

Next up, Brittany B., still holding her damn lucky underwear and Hannah, wearing what appears to be a long shirt.

There are 4 names left.

Yes to Lauren Brie with the ugly eyes, also wearing what appears to be a shirt, and Isis who, I did notice, does have man hands.

There are 2 names left. I'm glad TyraBot thinks I can't count.

Next up, Clark, who, again, seems to be wearing a long shirt.

TyraBot, whose makeup makes her look 17 different kinds of dead, says, "The last name I'm going to call. . .is. . ."

It's Joslyn, the one who tried out 30 times.

I totally called Kacey being outed. She's wearing a weird jacket and pouting.

The girls give TyraBot, who is wearing an outfit that appears to be something Jane Jetson would wear on a night out, sluttin' it up on the street corner, their fiercest pose.

And this is the end of the first episode. Since it was a two-hour premiere, there's another hour to go after this one, but it's technically two episodes. Everyone, stay fierce.

ANTM Episode 1: The One With the Bad Special Effects - Part 1

So here's the first ANTM recap. Episode one. It was two hours long and it almost killed the battery on my laptop.

Let's begin.

Tyra tells us that it's been a "decade" of ANMT, since this is cycle 11, even though the show has only been on since 2003. Last time I checked, a decade was 10 years, not five. In all actuality, ANTM has only been on for a dec.

In "celebration" of the fact that the "show" has been on for a "decade," they're back in L.A. I'd heard that the reason they'd moved the show to New York was because Tyra had a new man. Did that not work out? Did he realize that Tyra's not an actual person but, instead, a fierce cyborg?

Speaking of cyborgs! Apparently, the theme of this season is Cheesetastic "Futuristic" Bad Special Effects. Keep your eye out for these throughout the next two hours, because they run rampant. Fiercely. But more about that later.

We see all 33 semi-finalists on a bus. Hannah, 18, (shown at right) is from Alaska. Hannah says she's "excited" because "Alaska doesn't have freeways. Or people." Hannah is boring.

Sheena, 21, (below) has, according to one of the other 32, an advantage because "she's the only Oriental girl here." Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it un-PC to say Oriental these days? Isn't it "Asian." Well, Oriental, Asian, Potato, Po-tah-to, Sheena is awesome. She'll be Girl Crush #1.

So now we're at this warehouse building and the first of several bad, cheap-looking "special" effects happens. This green lightening bolt runs down said building.

Actually, you know, during this show, there were several times this commercial for cell phones came on and the color options for these phones were black, white, and fierce green. I'm going to assume that the official color of that lightning bolt is fierce green.

And it's THE JAYS! OMG! And they're wearing bad silver and white wigs. Black Jay looks like a Muppet. I'll warn you now that I refuse to call J. Alexander Miss J, since he's not actually a woman, so I'm going to differentiate by calling them OJ (Orange Jay aka Jay Manuel) and BJ (for Black Jay). Maybe it's racist, I'm not sure, but really, it's easier. Although, you know, the initials BJ would probably be appropriate for either one of them, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Onward.

Apparently, the 33 are about to go into the Top Model Institute of Technology. I'm blinded by the Jays' shiny silver jackets and the prevalence of their Man Boobs, or, moobs, if you will.

Veronique, 19, from California says something about it's every girl's dream to be there, but I'm more distracted by her awful, awful teeth.

We get a bunch of crap about how the TMIoT is there to "build better models." Judging from the ANTM winners of the last few cycle, they have quite the job on their hands. OJ scans his hand to get access and it all reminds me of those movies from, you know, the 80's and prior that shows all this high-tech gadgetry but really, you can tell that the buttons were painted with nail polish and you an see the string attached to the parts that "move on their own."

Brittney B., 18, (left) from Chicago is "going to win this." She seems awfully confident. In fact, her confidence is so annoying and so overwhelming, it's almost a relief that. . .oh, wait, I won't give it away yet. Let's just say, schadenfreude was an overwhelming feeling for me come the end of these 2 hours.

Elina, 18, (right) from Seattle is my Girl Crush #2. She's hot, but in an odd sort of way. Also, she's vegan. And I'm going to guess, a lesbian. I'm not being stereotypical - she just has that way about her.

Kacey, 19, from California tells us that she "knows how to have class and be sophisticated." She's not ghetto, which is proven because her name is not LaSheaquitah LaSamitah. Oh my God, you guys, my first child is so going to be named LaSheaquitah LaSamitah. Also, Kacey is annoying.

Veronique is a Mormon. Veronique is boring.

The 33 then have their walks and "pertinent date" "analyzed" "scientifically." Really? All I'm noticing here is that in this scene, OJ looks like a woman.

Isis of the Big Ass Earrings, 22, (left) from Maryland is "interested in anything fashion-related." Maybe someone should tell Isis that those earrings would not be considered fashionable anywhere except maybe. . .no. Never mind. They wouldn't be considered fashionable anywhere.

Clark, 19, (right) from South Carolina is my Girl Crush #3. Except she seems like a total bitch. She feels that when she walks, she intimidates people.

Joslyn, 23, (below) is from Louisiana and has tried out for ANTM 30 times. No, that's not a typo. Not 3 times. 30 times. One would think you'd get a hint after the first. . .10 or so times? I would say that Joslyn is the Susan Lucci of ANTM, but at least La Lucci was nominated for something. Joslyn never even made it to the (hypothetical) awards ceremony. I'm hoping that Joslyn isn't this season's answer to Cycle 9 winner Jaslene, because then I will be sorely disappointed because I hated Jaslene and Joslyn irritates me.

BJ says something about how they're there to build better models and the 33 are supposed to step into the Glaminator 11.0. My first thought is, wow, if version 11.0 looks this ghetto, I'd hate to see the first 10 or so Glaminators. My second thought is how much I love Sheena, because she says, "I was like, they got technology like that?" And my third thought is, wow, I must really be more of a racist than I thought I was, because I immediately noticed that BJ is wearing white shoes and OJ is wearing black shoes, and I thought it was kind of funny.

Oh no! The Glaminator 11.0 is shaking uncontrollably and it has fierce green bolts shooting out of it. The 33 look surprised. I say anyone who didn't know Tyra was going to pop out of this thing right about now deserves to be on this show.

The 33, of course, freak out. One says, "She [Tyra] is really hot. And tall." She's also wearing silver lipstick and her boobs are pushed up to her chin. She's scary, man. Really scary.

Tyra says that the next Top Model needs to be "technologically bankable." Get it? Bankable, Tyra BANKS? Just me? Ok.

Tyra asks the 33, "Can you make money?" My guess is no, not if they're on this show for any extended period of time.

After more crap no one cares about, Tyra says, "Beam us up. . .fiercely." And she and the Jays are "beamed up" while the 33 stand there looking like something actually just happened other than a director saying, "Ok, cut. Now, Tyra, Jays, run away so there's nothing there anymore and you 33 stand there and look surprised. Try to channel the first time you realized that no one in the history of Top Model has ever made a legitimate career as a Top Model. Channel that time that you realized that guy you gave it up to wasn't REALLY going to stay with you forever. Tony, get me a sandwich. Aaaaaand, ACTION!"

Commercial!

Has anyone else noticed that everything Tyler Perry does, he has to put his name in front of? Tyler Perry's House of Payne, Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys, Tyler Perry's Enormous Ego.

And we're back! TyraBot, Alpha Jay and Beta Jay (still known as BJ and OJ) are beamed into the room and ready to meet the 33. OJ is wearing new pants.

First up is Brittany B. who is "hella confident." OJ wants to know who her favorite designer is and BB can't name any. She says that's why she's there, to learn. TyraBot shuts her down pretty quickly. Peace out, BB. It was nice knowing you. She walks in a bikini clutching her lucky underwear. Oh dear God, I hope they're clean. Something is said about her energy. I'm not paying attention, because I'm praying those are clean underpants she's carrying.

Lauren Brie, 20, (right) is up next. She thinks she's "exotic looking." Um, she's blonde with blue eyes. She's boring, but I'm certain she'll at least make it to the next round.

Analeigh, 19, (below) used to be a competitive figure skater. She's cute in a bohemian sort of way and she's wearing a gigantic peace sign around her neck. She actually kind of reminds me of my little sister, who, incidentally, is the coolest chick I know. And, holy shit, you guys! Analeigh was sold to a Saudi prince as a wife, all the while thinking she was being signed to an agency. That's pretty heavy. TyraBot is glad Analeigh is safe.

Here's Clark, the Hot Bitch. She says she's "bonding" with the girls, but she doesn't want people to mistake that as her making friends. Clark (with no "e") tells TyraBot and the Jays that she's the prettiest girl in the competition. She says she has no bodily insecurities. Who here thinks that midway through the season, we have a big Tyra Banks as Oprah moment where we discover she was anorexic for years? OJ is bored by Clark.

Kacey I Hate is back. Her family calls her White Girl. Apparently, she used to have a lot of white friends, but she's not friends with them anymore? Why? Because they didn't understand why she couldn't go swimming. Why couldn't she go swimming? Because, for one, she can't swim, but also because of her hair. TyraBot thinks that's dumb. As do I.

Marjorie (right) is from France. TyraBot speaks something that vaguely sounds like French but I have all ideas is actually just her stomach growling. She's nervous by nature. Everyone loves her. Oh my God, along with her bathing suit, she's wearing those weird boots that are high heels. I hate those. Also, Marjorie is already grating on my nerves, and I think she's really weird-looking. Which probably means she'll win.

Joslyn, who is 23, feels that the other girls are immature, and she feels this way because she's older. It makes me so sad that an age that I'll be leaving behind in a month and a half is "old."

Veronique talks about being Mormon and how her parents put her on lockdown when she was 16 because she was having sex.

Next up is Isis of the Large Earrings, who has drawn a picture for TyraBot. As you do. She was a background model in a shoot from cycle 10. She was also born male. There's some discussion about whether she's pre- or post-op (she's pre-op, but would have the surgery immediately if she could.) Tyra steps up onto a soapbox. I guess Isis is this cycle's cause. I can't decide how I feel about Isis. She does, in fact, look masculine, but then again, so does Jaslene, and she won. I don't see Isis winning, though, because although Seventeen Magazine would have a field day with that story, I can't see Cover Girl hiring anything other than a squeaky clean Girl Next Door for a spokesperson.

The girls are shown sitting around, discussing boobs. Specifically, Isis' boobs, or lack thereof. Isis tells them she's not technically entirely a she, and everyone is a little weirded out. . .except for Awesome Sheena. She says the best person with the best spirit will win. Clark says she's going to "stomp that man right out of the competition." Clark is kind of a bitch. I would guess that we'll have an Isis v. Clark girl fight before the 6th episode.

Commercial!

Part 2 to follow.

I know it's mad, but if I go to hell will you come with me or just leave?

Ladies and gentlemen. . .I have a shoe problem.

I hate that I'm so stereotypically female that I love shoes as much as I do. But they're fun.

I went to Asheville this evening because I was a little stressed out and I wanted to drive, but I didn't want to drive aimlessly. I was going to go to Target, but then I saw that the mall was right there, so I stopped in there. I went in through the JC Penney entrance and saw, as I walked in, the shoe section.

I never had a chance.

The thing is, though, I'm smart about my stupid addiction. I have a certain amount of money that I absolutely will not go over when it comes to shoes. I buy 90% of my shoes on sale. I only went to the clearance rack, because it's not like I'm rolling in money. All of the shoes on the rack were $7.97. I bought 2 pairs:

I may be in love. And even better, the original price for both pairs was $50 and I got them both for less than $18 total.

The thing I don't understand is why I insist on heels. I'm 5'9 (well, 5'8.75) and whenever I put on heels, I'm probably at least 6 feet tall. But even when I wear shoes that aren't dressy (like the ones on the left) I insist on chunky heels.

While I'm sharing shoes, I'll put up pictures of the 2 pairs I bought when I visited Ashley in South Carolina. (I'm aware that most people most likely don't care what kinds of shoes I buy, but it's for posterity.)

Awesome. When I was with Ashley and I found the pink pair, she said she'd call my best friend and tattle on me if I didn't buy them. And then, that night, I wore them to dinner. We dressed up and went out and it was pretty cool. I wish I had a date I was excited about so I could dress up and be girly.

(Note: I didn't say "I wish I had a date" because then people could rightly say, "But you DID have a date and you cancelled it to go to a football game.")

Short story about Biltmore house.

Carrie and I met up with Carrie's sister (my cousin) Ginny and a few of her friends and we went to a wine tasting.

The guy was checking our IDs. Ginny didn't have hers but she talked the guy into letting her in anyway. She's. . .I don't know. 28? She has a 2-year-old, although that doesn't mean much these days and especially around this area.

Anyway, the guy got to me and he said, "I'm definitely going to need to see your ID. You're the youngest one in this group, aren't you?"

Now, I was, but only by a few months. Carrie turned 24 last month, and I'll be 24 next month. I wasn't aware I looked that young. I should be thankful, I guess, but I also happen to know why a lot of people I try to interview don't take me seriously. Because I look so young, like I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing. I'm an editor for crying out loud.

When I was talking to OnlineDateGuy, he said something like, "So, you're all on your own, you've got a steady job, and you're not even 24 yet?" like it was a big deal. Which, I guess, it is.

Basically, I'm a rock star.

Feels like you're making a mess. You're hell on wheels in a black dress.

After a wonderful, wonderful 9-ish hours of sleep, I'm back. Back to what I do best. Writing about myself and the things in life I contemplate to within an inch of their lives.

Really, though, I feel it takes a real narcissist to blog as much as I do. All it is is me sitting here saying, "Hey, I feel that people actually care what I think about things and what happens to me during the minute moments of my life.

But then that narcissism is validated when people like my cousin say, "I'm always so excited when I see that you've updated!" and people I don't even know (Hi, chocolatebooks!) say that they read what I write, and even encourage me to write America's Next Top Model recaps. It's exciting, really. I mean, if I could get a job doing this, just writing my opinions and thoughts on things, I'd be one happy girl. Seriously.

But I do wonder if excessive blogging is a sign of rampant narcissism. If you think about it, though, all writers are narcissists. They just expect that people will want to read what they have to say.

I think the conclusion I can come to here is that all writers and bloggers are actually either mentally ill or have severe personality disorders. I'm OK with that.

Moving on.

Yesterday, I went into work and our photographer was there with his daughter, Kelly. Something you should understand about me is that I pretty much can't stand children. Every now and again, there'll be a cute kid that'll break through that particular Veneer of Hatred, but in general, I don't like them.

Actually, no. To be fair, it's probably the kids' parents I can't stand because they're the ones that allow their children to behave like demonic brats in public.

Anyway, Kelly is a kid that I happen to love. I don't see her very often, but when I do, I'm always amazed at how much older than 4 she seems. She's really smart and creative and all those adjectives that people generally attach to their own children. It just so happens that I met a kid who I like.

A few weeks ago, she and I were drawing, and I drew a castle. I learned how to draw castles when I was 5 and in daycare during the summer. I was in a My Little Pony phase at that point, and this girl that I hung out with most at daycare, Brandy, who I remember having a rather unfortunate mullet, taught me how to draw Pony Castles, complete with dragon in the moat. Since then, I've drawn them the exact same way, which explains why when I draw them, it looks like a 5-year-old drew them. My drawing skills are sadly lacking:


Note the happy dragon.

Yesterday, I was working, and Kelly comes up to me and says, "Liz! I drew you a picture!" And this is what it was:
How freakishly cute is that? She did ask me to "draw the water," but the rest of it is all Kelly B. It made me happy that she'd remembered the castle and I was also immensely impressed that she'd replicated it. The kid's kind of amazing. If I ever have a kid (which is a slight, slight chance indeed), I hope the kid turns out like her.

Oh, and before I go, I just thought of something else funny and kid-related (since I'm on the subject) that happened yesterday.

I was in Chuck's (the sports editor) office and Kelly and Dennis (our photographer) were in there, too. Dennis and Chuck have this. . .odd relationship. They're friends, but they have this banter that allows them to insult each other? It's hard to explain, but I have, on more than one occasion, asked them if they were going to divorce when they were having a disagreement.

I don't remember the line of conversation, but it led to Dennis saying that Chuck "Knew (Chuck) was his bitch." Except Kelly was in there, so he said, "Yeah, he knows he's my B-I-T-C-H." For some reason, that struck me as really, really funny, because I'm not used to being around kids all the time and needing to spell things. It was cute. I have a feeling, though, as smart as Kelly is, she's going to be able to figure out what people are spelling relatively soon.

So I still need to mention the Biltmore trip and maybe I'll go into job-related things, but they're kind of depressing, so maybe I'll not do that. I'll also try to write my ANTM recap tonight.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left. I know that I can find the fire in your eyes. I'm going all the way. Get away. Please. . .

I watched the premiere of America's Next Top Model on its second run and I took notes so I can write everyone a fabulous recap. Since it was two hours long, it'll take me a little while to compile my notes into a coherant recap, but I'll try to get it finished before this Wednesday's episode. It's at times like this I really wish I had TiVo. Or a DVR. I'm going to have to tape the episodes in order to recap them, because it's truly exhausting taking notes while the episode is on. Now I have to just hope that that time my VCR ate my tape was just a fluke and I can actually still use it.

I have a list, an actual list of things I wanted to talk about in my next entry, but I don't feel like talking about any of them. I feel compelled to write, but I don't know what to write about, despite having several things I could talk about. I'm just really, really worn out. Emotionally, mentally exhausted. I've been thinking about what's going to happen when I do leave this place. I love it here. I really do. It makes me sad to think about leaving.

And yet, I know that I'm not going to live here forever. And I know I need to get out one of these days, because my job is killing me and there's just a lot I need to get away from.

I was randomly driving around, as I do when I'm feeling restless, and I had one of those random thoughts that I sometimes wonder if anyone besides me has. I was thinking about speedometers and I started to wonder exactly how the speedometer was invented. I mean, did someone make a mile marker and then drive at a certain speed and see how long it took them to get to the marker and then mark that speed as a certain number of miles per hour? And how do they actually know that if you floor the pedal to 120 that it'll actually take you 120 miles in an hour. Did someone drive 120 mph to test the theory? I contemplated that for quite a while.

I'm kind of stressed out for no reason and I'm going to go to bed and not sleep. I'll be more interesting (hopefully) tomorrow, or whenever I decide to write again.

I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green. I hope when you're in bed with her you think of me.

On the way home from the Biltmore today, CousinCasey and I were listening to Kelly Clarkson (You know - the one girl I'd eschew all tradition and family opinion and whatever to hook up with? I LOVE her.) She's going to be nearby-ish in November with Reba McEntire, and if I'm still here, I'm going to be all over that concert like. . .awesome on William Shatner.

Anyway, I was listening to her, and I realized that I think part of the reason I love her so much (aside from, you know, her incredible hotness), is because a lot of her songs are angry, you-broke-up-with-me-and-I'm-pissed songs, and that kind of defines. . .no, not defines me, but I can relate. On several different levels.

I was thinking about my latest "relationship" and how a lot of Kelly Clarkson songs seem to fit into how that went. I mean I fell absolutely head over heels for this guy, and it was just a smorgasboard of bad idea + bad timing + just not right. But even now, I'm still working on getting over it. That's part of the reason I'm so eager to try to get out into the whole dating thing. Maybe it's not healthy, but I feel like if I can get my mind off of it entirely, I'll be better off.

To be fair, I'm a lot better off than I was. I don't get mopey when we're in the same place and I don't want to jump him every time I see him, so I'm. . .healing, for lack of a better word. Once I get out of this town, I'll be 100% better about it, I'm sure.

And yet, and yet. I'm still pleased when he sees me and looks happy to see me. That doesn't make me sad and pathetic, does it? I feel like it's one of those things where I like to know that he hasn't completely written me off, because before we "dated," we were amazing friends.

Enough about that.

1. Why football is better than sex

Last night, I was going to the game I mentioned with CousinCasey, her husband, and her husband's BFF.

(I'm going to take an interlude here and mention that I never realized how difficult it would be to try to keep some sense of anonymity with this blog. I didn't want to mention, for the most part, real people and places, because I didn't want to get in trouble if anyone that, perhaps, I work for, came across it. But it's so difficult. What if I just kept my own name fake and the paper's name fake and maybe my boss' name fake and used other people's real names? Is that doable? To be fair, some nicknames will stay (i.e. McHotpants), because I actually call him that and I also have some people that I really have nicknames for that I DON'T call them, but that's how I refer to them to people. I also won't use last names. Ready? Let's go.)

So, I went to the game with Carrie, Frank, and Steph. We were driving through the town and I was saying, "Hey, I should be on a date right now." And then I was explaining that part of the reason I knew that OnlineDateGuy wasn't going to work out for me was because I could tell he was the type of guy that would, probably not too far into the relationship, expect that sex was the logical next step, and I'm just not looking to add that to my list of Things In My Life. I mean, there's only one person I've ever been involved with that I've even CONSIDERED taking that step with (and I never did) so I don't see myself starting a "relationship" with someone and that even being an issue.

I sat there for a second, and I said, "Oh my God. Do you realize that this means I'd rather go to a football game. . .a high school football game. . .than begin the steps toward sex? I'd rather watch football than have sex."

Carrie said it was a mature thing of me, really, and I tend to agree, but it was just kind of interesting to think about it in that manner.

(Another thought. If I ever put pictures of myself on here, it'll render my fake name moot, if people know me. Oh well. I'm keeping it, because I really do hate my name.)

2. The Game or Damn, I Miss High School Football

So the big game. (This picture does more to tell everyone exactly where I am. . .) County Clash 2008. It was kind of awesome. On our way, we were trying to decide who we wanted to go for. I tend toward being a THS fan for whatever reason. However, it was a home game at PHS, and they also have better colors, so we decided to go for PHS. However, once we got in, the place was PACKED, and we couldn't get over to the PHS side and we had to stand among rabid THS fans, so we had to cheer for them. But secretly, we were rooting for PHS. And, in the end, I was glad THS won. (28-10) I was just excited to be there.

We were right down at the fence, but there were people in front of us for a lot of it. During the last quarter, we were able to get right up to the fence, and that was pretty amazing. I'm planning on going to more games, because it was. . .oddly exciting. Plus, I was rocking out to the THS marching band. I couldn't not dance. I'm sure I looked exactly as white as I am, but it was fun.

I'm exhausted. It's bedtime. Next time, the Job From Hell, Biltmore House and whatever else I come up with between now and then.